I don’t have a definition, but I have an example. Suppose you decide to start dating a really quiet person and you know that they’re really quiet before you ask them out, and they’re consistently really quiet throughout the time that you’re dating, and then you start bringing them to loud social functions. You wouldn’t expect them to suddenly turn extroverted and gregarious, just because they’re dating you, right? (So I guess one stab at a working definition is a very low-probability change in behavior given your evidence from all your previous interaction with them, usually low-probability due to difficult-to-change psychological states.)
What you’re describing is more like “Will you please go with me to these events? They’re really important to me.” The person might like you enough to do it, even if they’re a bit uncomfortable. The important thing is that the question acknowledges that you know what they’re like and you understand they have a choice and it doesn’t expect them to suddenly deviate massively from their usual behavior.
B: Okay, but you know me, that’s really not part of my personality.
A: But you’re my boyfriend!
I personally don’t think it’s particularly offensive. You can be as introverted as you like—as someone’s partner in a monogamous relationship, you are expected to at least not always let them go out alone, and A is just expressing his/her displeasure at having that expectation consistently flaunted.
I also suspect you overestimate how serious people will take the “it’s not part of my personality” objection. It’ll mostly be taken as a cheap excuse unless you make very clear how much it would upset you. Yvain has an insightful post on his blog about this kind of thing, though since he has expressed some worries about having people he doesn’t know link to it, I don’t.
Edit: I realize that this was ridiculously unhelpful. In order to avoid linking directly, I should have pointed out that the blog post I had in mind can be found by googling for the string upset “theory of drama”.
I don’t think the conversation itself is particularly offensive, but it would be offensive if all conversations on the subject of going to parties followed this particular template and showed no evidence of converging at an understanding or compromise.
I personally don’t think it’s particularly offensive.
This is why I ended my first relationship.
Of course there’s going to be some give and take, but it involved exactly the sort of asymmetry jooyous described, where I was being expected to do things I didn’t really like, because that was my “role,” while I wasn’t trying to force her into doing things she didn’t like, because I don’t like doing that to people.
If filling a prescribed role is exactly what you want out of your partner, that might feel like a satisfactory relationship, but to a person who doesn’t, it’s going to feel like their partner isn’t really acknowledging them as a person.
I don’t have a definition, but I have an example. Suppose you decide to start dating a really quiet person and you know that they’re really quiet before you ask them out, and they’re consistently really quiet throughout the time that you’re dating, and then you start bringing them to loud social functions. You wouldn’t expect them to suddenly turn extroverted and gregarious, just because they’re dating you, right? (So I guess one stab at a working definition is a very low-probability change in behavior given your evidence from all your previous interaction with them, usually low-probability due to difficult-to-change psychological states.)
What you’re describing is more like “Will you please go with me to these events? They’re really important to me.” The person might like you enough to do it, even if they’re a bit uncomfortable. The important thing is that the question acknowledges that you know what they’re like and you understand they have a choice and it doesn’t expect them to suddenly deviate massively from their usual behavior.
What would you say about the following discourse?
I personally don’t think it’s particularly offensive. You can be as introverted as you like—as someone’s partner in a monogamous relationship, you are expected to at least not always let them go out alone, and A is just expressing his/her displeasure at having that expectation consistently flaunted.
I also suspect you overestimate how serious people will take the “it’s not part of my personality” objection. It’ll mostly be taken as a cheap excuse unless you make very clear how much it would upset you. Yvain has an insightful post on his blog about this kind of thing, though since he has expressed some worries about having people he doesn’t know link to it, I don’t.
Edit: I realize that this was ridiculously unhelpful. In order to avoid linking directly, I should have pointed out that the blog post I had in mind can be found by googling for the string upset “theory of drama”.
I don’t think the conversation itself is particularly offensive, but it would be offensive if all conversations on the subject of going to parties followed this particular template and showed no evidence of converging at an understanding or compromise.
This is why I ended my first relationship.
Of course there’s going to be some give and take, but it involved exactly the sort of asymmetry jooyous described, where I was being expected to do things I didn’t really like, because that was my “role,” while I wasn’t trying to force her into doing things she didn’t like, because I don’t like doing that to people.
If filling a prescribed role is exactly what you want out of your partner, that might feel like a satisfactory relationship, but to a person who doesn’t, it’s going to feel like their partner isn’t really acknowledging them as a person.
prescribed?
Yes, edited.