“Abuse” is not a binary thing; it’s a scale. Just because you were not at one extreme, does not mean that you were necessarily at the other extreme or near it.
The article disclaims that fussng over labelling is not particularly helpful. But is this a healthy reframe or experience to identify with?
Depends on how you are going to react to the label. The healthy aspect is that it may allow you to see causalities in your life that you have previously censored from yourself; and then you can take specific actions to untangle the problems.
The unhealthy aspect is if you take it with a “fixed mindset”, and start crying about your past (“I am tainted, forever tainted”), or in extreme case if you start building some ideology of revenge against the whole evil society (or parts of the society) responsible for not preventing the bad things from happening to you.
I reckoned it may be more prudent to ask how. How can I overcome these feelings.
Seems like you are choosing generally the good direction.
My line of questioning was influence by the memory of a friend who once mused that she is grateful for all the relationships that didn’t work out, because there was something good in all of them
Okay, I wouldn’t go that far. (“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, Just World Hypothesis, etc.) It is good to react to bad things by deriving useful lessons. However, in a parallel universe you could have good things happen to you, and still derive useful lessons from them. (Or you could derive useful lessons from bad things that happened to other people.) Bad things are simply bad things, no need to excuse them, no cosmic balance that needed to happen to make you a better person. That would mean denying that those things were actually bad.
Being able to turn a bad experience into a good lesson, is a good message about you and your abilities. Not about the bad experience per se. A different person could remain broken by the same experience.
DON’T dwell on the past
I’d say: Use the past to extract useful information and move on, not to build a narrative for your life.
DON’T play the blame game
I’d say: Admit that some people have fucked up, but don’t waste your time planning revenge (it is usually not the optimal thing to do with your life). Maybe don’t even analyze too much who or how precisely have fucked up, if such analysis would take too much energy.
DON’T suppress your feelings
I agree.
DON’T fear vulnerability
Depends on context. Feelling vulnerable (in situations where you feel safe) is okay. In public, we all wear masks, so it would be inappropriate to e.g. start thinking about your childhood when you are at a job interview.
Depends on context. Feelling vulnerable (in situations where you feel safe) is okay. In public, we all wear masks, so it would be inappropriate to e.g. start thinking about your childhood when you are at a job interview.
That really depends. Authenticity is often more useful than wearing a mask.
In present politics Trump is successful while being relatively authentic. There’s a lot of power in it.
Respectfully, Trump is very skilled at sounding authentic. I’m not sure that he is authentic, but some other politician could easily be more authentic while lacking Trump’s skills at sounding authentic.
“Abuse” is not a binary thing; it’s a scale. Just because you were not at one extreme, does not mean that you were necessarily at the other extreme or near it.
Depends on how you are going to react to the label. The healthy aspect is that it may allow you to see causalities in your life that you have previously censored from yourself; and then you can take specific actions to untangle the problems.
The unhealthy aspect is if you take it with a “fixed mindset”, and start crying about your past (“I am tainted, forever tainted”), or in extreme case if you start building some ideology of revenge against the whole evil society (or parts of the society) responsible for not preventing the bad things from happening to you.
Seems like you are choosing generally the good direction.
Okay, I wouldn’t go that far. (“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”, Just World Hypothesis, etc.) It is good to react to bad things by deriving useful lessons. However, in a parallel universe you could have good things happen to you, and still derive useful lessons from them. (Or you could derive useful lessons from bad things that happened to other people.) Bad things are simply bad things, no need to excuse them, no cosmic balance that needed to happen to make you a better person. That would mean denying that those things were actually bad.
Being able to turn a bad experience into a good lesson, is a good message about you and your abilities. Not about the bad experience per se. A different person could remain broken by the same experience.
I’d say: Use the past to extract useful information and move on, not to build a narrative for your life.
I’d say: Admit that some people have fucked up, but don’t waste your time planning revenge (it is usually not the optimal thing to do with your life). Maybe don’t even analyze too much who or how precisely have fucked up, if such analysis would take too much energy.
I agree.
Depends on context. Feelling vulnerable (in situations where you feel safe) is okay. In public, we all wear masks, so it would be inappropriate to e.g. start thinking about your childhood when you are at a job interview.
Keep focused on where you want to get.
That really depends. Authenticity is often more useful than wearing a mask.
In present politics Trump is successful while being relatively authentic. There’s a lot of power in it.
Respectfully, Trump is very skilled at sounding authentic. I’m not sure that he is authentic, but some other politician could easily be more authentic while lacking Trump’s skills at sounding authentic.