Interesting, thanks for writing this post—I found it valuable.
It makes me think of some of the work in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around self-empathy, in particular the process outlined in the book Graduating from Guilt. That book / process starts with a situation where you feel guilty / self-critical / regretful about something, guides you through identifying which unmet needs of yours lie at the root of that feeling, and what requests you can make of yourself to meet those needs.
I’ve found it pretty useful, but I like the quick and simple approach of the 2 questions you’ve highlighted here.
(A somewhat tangential thought on anger vs shame from an NVC perspective—I think anger indicates a situation where you perceive your needs as unmet due to someone else’s behavior, whereas shame/guilt arises when your needs are unmet due to your own behavior. I forget whether that is actually something I read in an NVC book or a connection I made myself.)
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I’m curious, how successful do you find the following approach to engaging with Manufactured Shame? (Maybe more to come in one of your upcoming posts).
Manufactured Shame: I consider dancing, but when I do, I feel a crushing shame that stops me from actually dancing. I ponder the questions. Who would have been hurt by my dancing? Nobody, that’s for sure. This is just an old trauma baggage from being made fun of so many times. So, no corrective action necessary there; there’s nobody to apologize to.
Excited to read your upcoming posts on McLaren’s book—I read it about a year ago, and had a mixed experience of its usefulness, but was also going through relationship stuff that I found intensely difficult at the time, so I’m curious to see if I find it more fruitful now that things in my life are much calmer.
Context on the timing: I wrote that note about dancing shame about a month ago when I first drafted this post, which was maybe a day or two after having that thought initially.
For the shame around dancing, where I’m at right now:
- I was able to stand up just now (in the privacy of my own room) and do some dancing without much shame coming up at all, which wasn’t something I could easily do before. I’m actually slightly surprised by that just now; I expected it to be harder/worse before I got up and did it. Other feelings are coming up when I do it more, but mostly not shame, and I think in a good way that might help me process those other feelings. Nice.
- I still definitely expect to have some struggles around dancing around other people; there’s still some trauma-shaped fear of people applying shame, which I don’t think is well founded but is there nonetheless. I still have more work to do on that front. Maybe I’ll try out dancing with my partner later and see what material I get to work with, there.
But as far as I’m concerned, that result is a huge victory already! Using dance to process other feelings was one of my major [things I want to unlock] goals of late, cause I know dancing can be hugely useful for other people in processing emotions and trauma-stuff in particular. I’ll have to play around with that more today and see what I can get from it.
Thanks for asking this question! I hadn’t actually queried where I was at with dancing by trying to dance until just now, and didn’t expect as much change as there apparently was.
Interesting, thanks for writing this post—I found it valuable.
It makes me think of some of the work in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around self-empathy, in particular the process outlined in the book Graduating from Guilt. That book / process starts with a situation where you feel guilty / self-critical / regretful about something, guides you through identifying which unmet needs of yours lie at the root of that feeling, and what requests you can make of yourself to meet those needs.
I’ve found it pretty useful, but I like the quick and simple approach of the 2 questions you’ve highlighted here.
(A somewhat tangential thought on anger vs shame from an NVC perspective—I think anger indicates a situation where you perceive your needs as unmet due to someone else’s behavior, whereas shame/guilt arises when your needs are unmet due to your own behavior. I forget whether that is actually something I read in an NVC book or a connection I made myself.)
-
I’m curious, how successful do you find the following approach to engaging with Manufactured Shame? (Maybe more to come in one of your upcoming posts).
Excited to read your upcoming posts on McLaren’s book—I read it about a year ago, and had a mixed experience of its usefulness, but was also going through relationship stuff that I found intensely difficult at the time, so I’m curious to see if I find it more fruitful now that things in my life are much calmer.
Context on the timing: I wrote that note about dancing shame about a month ago when I first drafted this post, which was maybe a day or two after having that thought initially.
For the shame around dancing, where I’m at right now:
- I was able to stand up just now (in the privacy of my own room) and do some dancing without much shame coming up at all, which wasn’t something I could easily do before. I’m actually slightly surprised by that just now; I expected it to be harder/worse before I got up and did it. Other feelings are coming up when I do it more, but mostly not shame, and I think in a good way that might help me process those other feelings. Nice.
- I still definitely expect to have some struggles around dancing around other people; there’s still some trauma-shaped fear of people applying shame, which I don’t think is well founded but is there nonetheless. I still have more work to do on that front. Maybe I’ll try out dancing with my partner later and see what material I get to work with, there.
But as far as I’m concerned, that result is a huge victory already! Using dance to process other feelings was one of my major [things I want to unlock] goals of late, cause I know dancing can be hugely useful for other people in processing emotions and trauma-stuff in particular. I’ll have to play around with that more today and see what I can get from it.
Thanks for asking this question! I hadn’t actually queried where I was at with dancing by trying to dance until just now, and didn’t expect as much change as there apparently was.