While reading Focusing today, I thought about the book and wondered how many exercises it would have. I felt a twinge of aversion. In keeping with my goal of increasing internal transparency, I said to myself: “I explicitly and consciously notice that I felt averse to some aspect of this book”.
I then Focused on the aversion. Turns out, I felt a little bit disgusted, because a part of me reasoned thusly:
If the book does have exercises, it’ll take more time. That means I’m spending reading time on things that aren’t math textbooks. That means I’m slowing down.
(Transcription of a deeper Focusing on this reasoning)
I’m afraid of being slow. Part of it is surely the psychological remnants of the RSI I developed in the summer of 2018. That is, slowing down is now emotionally associated with disability and frustration. There was a period of meteoric progress as I started reading textbooks and doing great research, and then there was pain. That pain struck even when I was just trying to take care of myself, sleep, open doors. That pain then left me on the floor of my apartment, staring at the ceiling, desperately willing my hands to just get better. They didn’t (for a long while), so I just lay there and cried. That was slow, and it hurt. No reviews, no posts, no typing, no coding. No writing, slow reading. That was slow, and it hurt.
Part of it used to be a sense of “I need to catch up and learn these other subjects which [Eliezer / Paul / Luke / Nate] already know”. Through internal double crux, I’ve nearly eradicated this line of thinking, which is neither helpful nor relevant nor conducive to excitedly learning the beautiful settled science of humanity. Although my most recent post touched on impostor syndrome, that isn’t really a thing for me. I feel reasonably secure in who I am, now (although part of me worries that others wrongly view me as an impostor?).
However, I mostly just want to feel fast, efficient, and swift again. I sometimes feel like I’m in a race with Alex2018, and I feel like I’m losing.
While reading Focusing today, I thought about the book and wondered how many exercises it would have. I felt a twinge of aversion. In keeping with my goal of increasing internal transparency, I said to myself: “I explicitly and consciously notice that I felt averse to some aspect of this book”.
I then Focused on the aversion. Turns out, I felt a little bit disgusted, because a part of me reasoned thusly:
(Transcription of a deeper Focusing on this reasoning)
I’m afraid of being slow. Part of it is surely the psychological remnants of the RSI I developed in the summer of 2018. That is, slowing down is now emotionally associated with disability and frustration. There was a period of meteoric progress as I started reading textbooks and doing great research, and then there was pain. That pain struck even when I was just trying to take care of myself, sleep, open doors. That pain then left me on the floor of my apartment, staring at the ceiling, desperately willing my hands to just get better. They didn’t (for a long while), so I just lay there and cried. That was slow, and it hurt. No reviews, no posts, no typing, no coding. No writing, slow reading. That was slow, and it hurt.
Part of it used to be a sense of “I need to catch up and learn these other subjects which [Eliezer / Paul / Luke / Nate] already know”. Through internal double crux, I’ve nearly eradicated this line of thinking, which is neither helpful nor relevant nor conducive to excitedly learning the beautiful settled science of humanity. Although my most recent post touched on impostor syndrome, that isn’t really a thing for me. I feel reasonably secure in who I am, now (although part of me worries that others wrongly view me as an impostor?).
However, I mostly just want to feel fast, efficient, and swift again. I sometimes feel like I’m in a race with Alex2018, and I feel like I’m losing.