Yes, but I didn’t want to finger you as the culprit.
I’m actually very fond of being told I was right. (I only figured that out when a friend mentioned that he’s very fond of other people admitting they were wrong.)
It’s true that there’s currently a belief that it’s very bad to tell people they should be less thin-skinned. People generally want a social environment which suits their preferences, and while it’s not likely that anyone will get a total victory, it’s certainly possible to push the balance towards your preferences.
Thin-skinned people are apt to hear a demand that they be thicker-skinned as “You shouldn’t care about the way I keep hurting you.” The more aggressive among them have started shoving back. Interesting times.
IMO when you write, you should be asking yourself: “What’s the worst way someone could interpret this?”, because surely, someone will interpret it that way. And when you read, you should ask yourself: “What’s the nicest way I could interpret this?”, because that’s probably the way they meant it.
when you write, you should be asking yourself: “What’s the worst way someone could interpret this?”
When dealing with people, habitually searching for only the worst that can happen is a very bad habit, in my experience. It’s a habit I’ve been trying to break. Through availability bias, your world becomes a horrible place. Your priors are distorted toward the bad, and you miss opportunities. Too careful, too risk averse, too distrusting.
And when you read, you should ask yourself: “What’s the nicest way I could interpret this?”, because that’s probably the way they meant it.
I think that’s the right policy, even if it’s not true. It will generally be the more productive assumption—particularly for online forums.
Just work out the cases. Search for everything that can happen. Either a person has basic good will towards you, or they don’t.
If they do, the nice interpretation is likely right, and you understand someone with good will toward you. That makes for a good discussion. Further, if the guy meant it in a nasty way, your response as if he were nice might soften his mood, or not. If it softens, things have at least improved. If not, most observers will likely think him a schmuck, and he is just very unlikely to be a good discussion partner anyway.
If they do have good will, but you assume that it is bad, you’re likely limiting the positive outcomes available with them. If they don’t have good will and you assume they don’t, you have maybe avoided some aggravation and saved yourself some time.
Having worked out the general case, you don’t have to do a de novo analysis each time. Commit to the policy, and blithely move on. Sometimes someone won’t like you. Ok, you knew that was going to happen.
This is what I’ve tried to do in general with my own defensiveness with people. Don’t focus on the worst that a person might do. Try to have an accurate prior on intentions (most people are not con men or mass murderers, and they’re not really out to get me—I’m not that important to them.) Pick a decision based on an analysis of of what their intent and attitudes might be, and the differing outcomes based on your actions.
Most of the analysis applies, except real world encounters carry more serious risks. I live in the Seattle are, which is pretty safe and so real world risks are limited, though I realize not everyone lives in such a safe place, so YMMV.
In general, the best strategy is to act assuming approval and good will, because those situations present the best opportunities.
when you write, you should be asking yourself: “What’s the worst way someone could interpret this?”
When dealing with people, habitually searching for only the worst that can happen is a very bad habit, in my experience.
Ah, but that wasn’t what I meant. I just meant to say that you should be careful when writing, because even when 99%+ of people won’t have any problems with what you write, someone is sure to misinterpret it, if it possibly can be. Communication is hard, and written communication even more so.
I’d say more briefly “someone is sure to misinterpret it”, because it is always possible to do so. There’s going to be a level of misinterpretation no mater how you agonize over what you write.
I agree with you that the underlying good will or lack of it is a crucial factor. I’m still trying to figure out what tends to build good will or damage it.
I’m actually very fond of being told I was right. (I only figured that out when a friend mentioned that he’s very fond of other people admitting they were wrong.)
It’s true that there’s currently a belief that it’s very bad to tell people they should be less thin-skinned. People generally want a social environment which suits their preferences, and while it’s not likely that anyone will get a total victory, it’s certainly possible to push the balance towards your preferences.
Thin-skinned people are apt to hear a demand that they be thicker-skinned as “You shouldn’t care about the way I keep hurting you.” The more aggressive among them have started shoving back. Interesting times.
IMO when you write, you should be asking yourself: “What’s the worst way someone could interpret this?”, because surely, someone will interpret it that way. And when you read, you should ask yourself: “What’s the nicest way I could interpret this?”, because that’s probably the way they meant it.
Postel’s law FTW!
When dealing with people, habitually searching for only the worst that can happen is a very bad habit, in my experience. It’s a habit I’ve been trying to break. Through availability bias, your world becomes a horrible place. Your priors are distorted toward the bad, and you miss opportunities. Too careful, too risk averse, too distrusting.
I think that’s the right policy, even if it’s not true. It will generally be the more productive assumption—particularly for online forums.
Just work out the cases. Search for everything that can happen. Either a person has basic good will towards you, or they don’t.
If they do, the nice interpretation is likely right, and you understand someone with good will toward you. That makes for a good discussion. Further, if the guy meant it in a nasty way, your response as if he were nice might soften his mood, or not. If it softens, things have at least improved. If not, most observers will likely think him a schmuck, and he is just very unlikely to be a good discussion partner anyway.
If they do have good will, but you assume that it is bad, you’re likely limiting the positive outcomes available with them. If they don’t have good will and you assume they don’t, you have maybe avoided some aggravation and saved yourself some time.
Having worked out the general case, you don’t have to do a de novo analysis each time. Commit to the policy, and blithely move on. Sometimes someone won’t like you. Ok, you knew that was going to happen.
This is what I’ve tried to do in general with my own defensiveness with people. Don’t focus on the worst that a person might do. Try to have an accurate prior on intentions (most people are not con men or mass murderers, and they’re not really out to get me—I’m not that important to them.) Pick a decision based on an analysis of of what their intent and attitudes might be, and the differing outcomes based on your actions.
Most of the analysis applies, except real world encounters carry more serious risks. I live in the Seattle are, which is pretty safe and so real world risks are limited, though I realize not everyone lives in such a safe place, so YMMV.
In general, the best strategy is to act assuming approval and good will, because those situations present the best opportunities.
I previously relayed an anecdote from a book on this: http://lesswrong.com/lw/s0/where_recursive_justification_hits_bottom/4wsn
Ah, but that wasn’t what I meant. I just meant to say that you should be careful when writing, because even when 99%+ of people won’t have any problems with what you write, someone is sure to misinterpret it, if it possibly can be. Communication is hard, and written communication even more so.
I’d say more briefly “someone is sure to misinterpret it”, because it is always possible to do so. There’s going to be a level of misinterpretation no mater how you agonize over what you write.
I agree with you that the underlying good will or lack of it is a crucial factor. I’m still trying to figure out what tends to build good will or damage it.
One problem is, what builds good will with one may erode good will in another. Life is full of trade offs.