It’s not whether mine’s better or worse than theirs, it’s whether they have a better way available to them. As I’ve said, I have my own trust issues. I’ve closed many opportunities for myself thereby. When I see people doing the same thing, I point it out. If someone was pounding their face into a wall, I’d point out that was unnecessary too.
Why are their options That Which Must not be Named?
And it’s not whether I’d like them to be different, it’s whether they’d like themselves to be different. They’re not participating in a venue they’d like to participate in. I am. If they’re waiting around for the forum to change in tone, they’re waiting for a train that’s a long way off.
Whether they change really isn’t a burning issue for me. It’s too bad if they don’t participate. But the world is full of people who aren’t participating. I live in the world that is, and there are plenty of discussions for me to have in that world.
I supplied links on modes of discussion. I’ve discussed the political dynamic of people with different preferences sharing a commons. I’ve explained how my saying “you’re wrong, and here’s why” is intended as an invitation for further discussion on my part. I’ve discussed suggestions of ways in which I might be different, and I have shared my perceptions of the trade offs involved. I’ve asked things like “why is it so horrible to be judged?”, so that I might understand the attitude better, and thereby more effectively deal with it. I’ve also asked what’s with the attitude that one can’t even suggest that the nicies change, since it seems to me the most incongruent aspect of the conversation.
I’ve discussed that those offended have inaccurate priors on the hostility of others, and offered evidence for update.
Isn’t that what we do around here, share evidence to update our priors? Why is that off limits here?
I don’t prima facie see anything wrong with suggesting that unusually thin-skinned people should stop being so thin-skinned.
That being said (and I’m not necessarily suggesting that you disagree with this or vice versa, I’m just saying it because I think it should be said, either way) given that the world does contain people of differing skin thicknesses, I’d argue that it isn’t optimal to just expect people to change their ways and not modulate one’s own behaviour. Applied generally, that course of action is guaranteed to cause some emotional hurt to some people. There are easy ways to moderate this hurt which don’t involve significant sacrifices in other areas. As long as it doesn’t prevent rational discussion, or force people to append big, circuitous apologies to their arguments, courtesy is a net positive in most social forums.
I also think that courtesy is beneficial in that it often eases the skin-thickening process, but that’s another conversation, and I don’t have any numbers to back that up.
I’d argue that it isn’t optimal to just expect people to change their ways and not modulate one’s own behaviour.
It isn’t optimal for anyone to do that.
courtesy is a net positive in most social forums.
The problem is that we have a fundamental disagreement over what behavior qualifies as courteous, at least in theory.
That’s the other problem. Lots of talk in generalities, with few concretes. We’re talking about trade offs without elaborating on the specifics of the trade off, but it’s the specifics that determine the balance.
You’re right, I should have used a better term than courtesy, but I didn’t want to over complicate the sentence. I should have instead said, “making concessions to other people’s ideas of courtesy (and since this is an open forum, that sets quite a high upper bound for the possible politeness-expectations of the audience)”.
What I’m getting at is: the only real cost of softening one’s tone is a slight reduction in efficiency. You can still say all the same things, it just requires a little extra footwork to steer around offending people by adding fluff like, “I don’t mean to offend you, but I want to convince you that...” in front of the words, “you are wrong.” Or whatever. That’s a very trivial example.
Obviously it’s too much to hope for that one could avoid offending anyone ever—the effort required would outweigh the benefits. But there has to be an optimal point on the curve between “offending too many people for lack of fluff” and “drowning in fluff and not getting anything accomplished”. And ultimate point I’m trying to make is that it isn’t enough for one to just maintain a softness of tone that is comfortable for oneself—one also has to put some effort into determining where one sits on the overall scale of politeness-expectation, and accommodating those who are higher up the scale, regardless of whether or not their expectations would be optimal in a world where nobody’s feelings ever got hurt. EDIT: in fact, this is one of the things I mean by the word courtesy, but I can see that that might not be a widely accepted element of the definition.
Again, I’m not necessarily suggesting that you personally need to correct your behaviour—I haven’t been following your conversations. This is just a general principle that I wanted to voice.
What I’m getting at is: the only real cost of softening one’s tone is a slight reduction in efficiency.
I’ve discussed the costs elsewhere. I’d add the game theoretic costs of getting into a “I’m offended, you have to change” game. The costs of annoying and/or offending someone who doesn’t appreciate being emotionally handled. The cost of not conveying your actual personality in the conversation. The non trivial cost of always maintaining two channels in every conversation—topic and niceness. Even if “only a little” niceness is required, the mental attention required likely has some floor.
one also has to put some effort into determining where one sits on the overall scale of politeness-expectation, and accommodating those who are higher up the scale
I think that’s reasonable. In the case of a shared space, some tradeoff and consideration is expected on all sides.
Well, sure, if you do go on to think of them that way then you’re doing it wrong. I’m not suggesting that anyone change how thin-skinned they are, though.
It’s not whether mine’s better or worse than theirs, it’s whether they have a better way available to them. As I’ve said, I have my own trust issues. I’ve closed many opportunities for myself thereby. When I see people doing the same thing, I point it out. If someone was pounding their face into a wall, I’d point out that was unnecessary too.
Why are their options That Which Must not be Named?
And it’s not whether I’d like them to be different, it’s whether they’d like themselves to be different. They’re not participating in a venue they’d like to participate in. I am. If they’re waiting around for the forum to change in tone, they’re waiting for a train that’s a long way off.
Whether they change really isn’t a burning issue for me. It’s too bad if they don’t participate. But the world is full of people who aren’t participating. I live in the world that is, and there are plenty of discussions for me to have in that world.
I supplied links on modes of discussion. I’ve discussed the political dynamic of people with different preferences sharing a commons. I’ve explained how my saying “you’re wrong, and here’s why” is intended as an invitation for further discussion on my part. I’ve discussed suggestions of ways in which I might be different, and I have shared my perceptions of the trade offs involved. I’ve asked things like “why is it so horrible to be judged?”, so that I might understand the attitude better, and thereby more effectively deal with it. I’ve also asked what’s with the attitude that one can’t even suggest that the nicies change, since it seems to me the most incongruent aspect of the conversation.
I’ve discussed that those offended have inaccurate priors on the hostility of others, and offered evidence for update.
Isn’t that what we do around here, share evidence to update our priors? Why is that off limits here?
I don’t prima facie see anything wrong with suggesting that unusually thin-skinned people should stop being so thin-skinned.
That being said (and I’m not necessarily suggesting that you disagree with this or vice versa, I’m just saying it because I think it should be said, either way) given that the world does contain people of differing skin thicknesses, I’d argue that it isn’t optimal to just expect people to change their ways and not modulate one’s own behaviour. Applied generally, that course of action is guaranteed to cause some emotional hurt to some people. There are easy ways to moderate this hurt which don’t involve significant sacrifices in other areas. As long as it doesn’t prevent rational discussion, or force people to append big, circuitous apologies to their arguments, courtesy is a net positive in most social forums.
I also think that courtesy is beneficial in that it often eases the skin-thickening process, but that’s another conversation, and I don’t have any numbers to back that up.
It isn’t optimal for anyone to do that.
The problem is that we have a fundamental disagreement over what behavior qualifies as courteous, at least in theory.
That’s the other problem. Lots of talk in generalities, with few concretes. We’re talking about trade offs without elaborating on the specifics of the trade off, but it’s the specifics that determine the balance.
You’re right, I should have used a better term than courtesy, but I didn’t want to over complicate the sentence. I should have instead said, “making concessions to other people’s ideas of courtesy (and since this is an open forum, that sets quite a high upper bound for the possible politeness-expectations of the audience)”.
What I’m getting at is: the only real cost of softening one’s tone is a slight reduction in efficiency. You can still say all the same things, it just requires a little extra footwork to steer around offending people by adding fluff like, “I don’t mean to offend you, but I want to convince you that...” in front of the words, “you are wrong.” Or whatever. That’s a very trivial example.
Obviously it’s too much to hope for that one could avoid offending anyone ever—the effort required would outweigh the benefits. But there has to be an optimal point on the curve between “offending too many people for lack of fluff” and “drowning in fluff and not getting anything accomplished”. And ultimate point I’m trying to make is that it isn’t enough for one to just maintain a softness of tone that is comfortable for oneself—one also has to put some effort into determining where one sits on the overall scale of politeness-expectation, and accommodating those who are higher up the scale, regardless of whether or not their expectations would be optimal in a world where nobody’s feelings ever got hurt. EDIT: in fact, this is one of the things I mean by the word courtesy, but I can see that that might not be a widely accepted element of the definition.
Again, I’m not necessarily suggesting that you personally need to correct your behaviour—I haven’t been following your conversations. This is just a general principle that I wanted to voice.
I’ve discussed the costs elsewhere. I’d add the game theoretic costs of getting into a “I’m offended, you have to change” game. The costs of annoying and/or offending someone who doesn’t appreciate being emotionally handled. The cost of not conveying your actual personality in the conversation. The non trivial cost of always maintaining two channels in every conversation—topic and niceness. Even if “only a little” niceness is required, the mental attention required likely has some floor.
I think that’s reasonable. In the case of a shared space, some tradeoff and consideration is expected on all sides.
It’s that you then think of them as lesser or failed humans. This is an error I eventually realised was an error.
Well, sure, if you do go on to think of them that way then you’re doing it wrong. I’m not suggesting that anyone change how thin-skinned they are, though.