The epistemics are super hard, because the thing being pointed to is subtle and there isn’t really a recipe for identifying it. Different people are affected by things in different ways, so one person may feel/be “frame controlled” in a certain context while someone else doesn’t/isn’t. And, being able to identify frame-control-type dynamics doesn’t by itself say anything about what can or should be done about them. (When I encounter someone who I realize affects me in this way, I tend to avoid ~completely.)
I think another difficulty in the epistemics is “where to place the focus” is potentially a political question. For example, choosing between Aella’s father “was an abuser” and their relationship “was an abusive dynamic” seems like it could have consequences (both for what happens, how your relationships shift, and how you understand the situation). [The situation wherein both statements are clearly associated with perspectives, instead of reified truths, seems like it’s most conducive to understanding.]
As you point out, different people will be affected differently by the ‘same thing’, but an otherwise-laudable commitment to avoid victim-blaming can move focus away from those differences and obscure part of what’s happening. [But also perhaps we are well-served by an allergy to attempts to move focus, as suggested by the example of the student pointing out the teacher’s error and the teacher redirecting attention.]
I think another difficulty in the epistemics is “where to place the focus” is potentially a political question. For example, choosing between Aella’s father “was an abuser” and their relationship “was an abusive dynamic” seems like it could have consequences (both for what happens, how your relationships shift, and how you understand the situation). [The situation wherein both statements are clearly associated with perspectives, instead of reified truths, seems like it’s most conducive to understanding.]
As you point out, different people will be affected differently by the ‘same thing’, but an otherwise-laudable commitment to avoid victim-blaming can move focus away from those differences and obscure part of what’s happening. [But also perhaps we are well-served by an allergy to attempts to move focus, as suggested by the example of the student pointing out the teacher’s error and the teacher redirecting attention.]