Initially, I thought what you had in mind was a scenario where I’m trying to set up two people, and therefore just need to know the sexual preferences of those two people.
I was contrasting that with a scenario where I’m trying to set up a known person with someone in a relatively large class, and therefore need to know the sexual preferences of everyone in that class (either that, or need to live in a culture where it’s socially acceptable to proceed as though someone’s sexual preference is unknown, which is why I say that the experience demonstrated that I don’t live in such a culture).
It’s similar to the difference between having cached the size of a directory in an operating system, vs calculating it on demand. If I’m just looking at one directory and can calculate the size relatively quickly, it makes no difference at all. If I’m trying to sort a hundred directories by size, it suddenly makes a huge difference. The difference in scale creates a qualitative difference in user experience… and reveals that the user’s expectation is that the size is cached, even though in the one-directory case that expectation does not lead to measurable differences.
All that said, I agree with you that we’re not saying anything particularly different at this point.
either that, or need to live in a culture where it’s socially acceptable to proceed as though someone’s sexual preference is unknown, which is why I say that the experience demonstrated that I don’t live in such a culture
Ah, yes, this is a relevant point I was missing.
Within my present social sphere proceeding as though someone’s sexual preference is unknown, and inquiring into it, is entirely acceptable. But this is due to the subcultures I’m embedded in*, and I was forgetting that the mainstream culture is less permissive re: such inquiries.
(*primarily the lgbT, fetish, geek and polyamorous groupings)
(nods) I often have to explicitly remind myself that certain possibilities that are highly available for me (e.g., that someone is in a triad) are not even promoted for consideration in mainstream culture (e.g., when I’m at work).
I remember once commenting to a coworker that I was startled to realize, when a mutual coworker showed up at a party of mine with his girlfriend, that his girlfriend was married to the boyfriend of another guest at the party. Small world, and all.
You could almost hear the needle skipping as they struggled to make sense of that, after which they said “Well, that sounds awkward,” and it took me a while to realize they’d assumed the spouses were ignorant of the situation.
When we finally cleared up each other’s misunderstandings, we were rather symmetrically appalled at one another’s cultural norms
Incidentally, if you’re in the New England or Bay areas, we likely have friends in common.
As it happens, I’m in England Classic, so probably not.
Interesting anecdote however; has been added to my mental directory of small-talk anecdotes for discussions that involve (or that I want to involve) polyamory/relationships.
(nods) Yeah, pretty much.
Initially, I thought what you had in mind was a scenario where I’m trying to set up two people, and therefore just need to know the sexual preferences of those two people.
I was contrasting that with a scenario where I’m trying to set up a known person with someone in a relatively large class, and therefore need to know the sexual preferences of everyone in that class (either that, or need to live in a culture where it’s socially acceptable to proceed as though someone’s sexual preference is unknown, which is why I say that the experience demonstrated that I don’t live in such a culture).
It’s similar to the difference between having cached the size of a directory in an operating system, vs calculating it on demand. If I’m just looking at one directory and can calculate the size relatively quickly, it makes no difference at all. If I’m trying to sort a hundred directories by size, it suddenly makes a huge difference. The difference in scale creates a qualitative difference in user experience… and reveals that the user’s expectation is that the size is cached, even though in the one-directory case that expectation does not lead to measurable differences.
All that said, I agree with you that we’re not saying anything particularly different at this point.
Ah, yes, this is a relevant point I was missing.
Within my present social sphere proceeding as though someone’s sexual preference is unknown, and inquiring into it, is entirely acceptable. But this is due to the subcultures I’m embedded in*, and I was forgetting that the mainstream culture is less permissive re: such inquiries.
(*primarily the lgbT, fetish, geek and polyamorous groupings)
(nods) I often have to explicitly remind myself that certain possibilities that are highly available for me (e.g., that someone is in a triad) are not even promoted for consideration in mainstream culture (e.g., when I’m at work).
I remember once commenting to a coworker that I was startled to realize, when a mutual coworker showed up at a party of mine with his girlfriend, that his girlfriend was married to the boyfriend of another guest at the party. Small world, and all.
You could almost hear the needle skipping as they struggled to make sense of that, after which they said “Well, that sounds awkward,” and it took me a while to realize they’d assumed the spouses were ignorant of the situation.
When we finally cleared up each other’s misunderstandings, we were rather symmetrically appalled at one another’s cultural norms
Incidentally, if you’re in the New England or Bay areas, we likely have friends in common.
As it happens, I’m in England Classic, so probably not.
Interesting anecdote however; has been added to my mental directory of small-talk anecdotes for discussions that involve (or that I want to involve) polyamory/relationships.