With the standard warning that this is just my impression and is in no way guaranteed to be actually good advice:
My largest complaint is that the word to content ratio is too high. As an example:
It was an hour and a half trip for this guy when he flew and pushed himself, and about two and a half at what he thought was a comfortable pace.
Could drop one half and be almost as informative. Just:
This guy could’ve made the trip within a few hours at a comfortable pace.
Would’ve been fine. It can be inferred that he can go faster if that’s a comfortable pace, and even the flying can be inferred from surrounding statements.
There’s also no need to be super specific about these things if it’s not going to be plot relevant. Even if the exact number is plot relevant, I doubt many people are going to remember such details after reading a few more chapters. Focus on what’s important. Particularly, focus on what’s important to the character. Is his flight time really what matters most to him right now? A lot of characterization can flow from what a character does and doesn’t pay attention to. Dumping the entire sensorium on the reader, while technically accurate, leaves a shallow impression of the character.
I would argue that good writing tends to condense data as far as it will go, so long as the jargon count is kept at a subdued level.
While I think there are cases where condensing world details is better writing, I think in general that is more of a style preference than actual good or bad. Some people like jargon heavy fantasy/ sci-fi, and I’m one of them.
But the second point that I should pay more attention to how what the character notices says about him is completely right, and probably by shifting that around more is a strong way to improve the viewpoint.
With the standard warning that this is just my impression and is in no way guaranteed to be actually good advice:
My largest complaint is that the word to content ratio is too high. As an example:
Could drop one half and be almost as informative. Just:
This guy could’ve made the trip within a few hours at a comfortable pace.
Would’ve been fine. It can be inferred that he can go faster if that’s a comfortable pace, and even the flying can be inferred from surrounding statements.
There’s also no need to be super specific about these things if it’s not going to be plot relevant. Even if the exact number is plot relevant, I doubt many people are going to remember such details after reading a few more chapters. Focus on what’s important. Particularly, focus on what’s important to the character. Is his flight time really what matters most to him right now? A lot of characterization can flow from what a character does and doesn’t pay attention to. Dumping the entire sensorium on the reader, while technically accurate, leaves a shallow impression of the character.
I would argue that good writing tends to condense data as far as it will go, so long as the jargon count is kept at a subdued level.
While I think there are cases where condensing world details is better writing, I think in general that is more of a style preference than actual good or bad. Some people like jargon heavy fantasy/ sci-fi, and I’m one of them.
But the second point that I should pay more attention to how what the character notices says about him is completely right, and probably by shifting that around more is a strong way to improve the viewpoint.