Because I haven’t seen much in the way concrete comments on evidence that circling is real, I’m going to share a slightly outdated list of the concrete things I’ve gotten from practicing circling: - a sense of what boundaries are, why they’re important, and how to source them internally - my rate of resolving emotionally-charged conflict over text went from < 1% to ≈80%-90% in the first month or three of me starting circling - a tool (“Curiosity”) for taking any conversation and making it genuinely interesting and likely deeper for me - confidence and ability to connect more deeply with anyone who seems open to connecting more deeply with me - the superpower of being able to describe to other people what I imagine they feel in their bodies in certain situations, and be right, even when they couldn’t’ve generated the descriptions - empathy of the “I’m with you in what you’re feeling” sort rather than the “I have a conscious model of how you work and what’s going on with you and can predict what you’ll do” sort - a language for talking about how I react in situations on a relational level - a better understanding of what seems to be my deepest fear (others going away, and it being my fault) - knowledge that I’m afraid of my own anger and that I deal with this by not trusting people in ways that allow them to make me angry - an understanding of how asking “are you okay with the existence of my attraction to you?” disempowers me and gives another power over me they may not want; the ability and presence of mind to not do this anymore - the ability to facilitate resolution to an emotional conflict over text even when both I and the other party are triggered/defensive/in a big experience - understanding of what it feels like to “collapse”, and a vague sense of how to play with that edge - more facility with placing my attention where I choose - more respect for silence - a deep comfort with prolonged eye contact - knowledge that I seem to flinch a bit inside most times that I talk about sexuality or sex, especially in regards to myself - knowledge that I struggle most with the question “am I welcome here?” - a theory of what makes people emotionally tired, which seems to resonate with everyone I share it with - strong opinions on communication - the ability to generate ≈non-violent communication from the inside - better introspective access on an emotional level - new friends - ability and comfort with sitting with my own experience and emotions for longer - decreasing the time from when I first interact with someone to when interaction with them blows up, if it’s going to, I think because I’m pushing more of my edges and I see things more clearly and so all the knobs that I’m turning in the wrong direction I’m turning *really strongly* in the wrong direction - maybe a tiny hint of how people relate to this thing called “community”? - the ability to listen to nuances in “no”s, and not automatically interpret “no” as “no, I don’t want to interact with you now or ever again” - increased facility in getting in touch with is own anger in a healthy way by asking what it’s protective of - increased facility in engaging with others in their anger by seeking an understanding of what they’re standing for - the experience of being able to decide that I wanted to go to sleep, roughly on time, without fighting myself, for the first time that I can recall in my life
Things that I’m currently playing with in circling, as of a couple of months ago: - “am I welcome here?” - “what if someone goes away, and it’s my fault?” - What does it look like to find myself attractive or important, or to matter to myself? - What does it look like and feel like to be held emotionally? - What’s up for me around touch and physical affection? - Am I terrified of having power over people? - How can I be less careful, and more okay/accepting? - What does it look like to do things from a place of desire rather than a place of “should”? - What am I attached to and how does attachment get in the way of what I want?
~~~~
I’ve sometimes said that circling seems to me like “metacognitive defensive driving” (to extend the metaphor of metacognitive blindspots and metacognitive mirrors); there’s a way in which circling seems to allow my S1 to communicate very directly with another person’s S1, in situations where our S2′s get tripped up and have trouble communicating, and in such a way that it seems to bypass most issues of miscommunication and get directly to the heart of the matter. Even when I can’t see the ways that my cognition is impaired, circling frequently lets me bypass that or address it directly.
I also want to add another perspective on NVC/ ownership language. I like using ownership language in part because it tends to trip me up in all the places where I’m trying to do something other than communication with my words, and thus it helps me to understand myself better.
Because I haven’t seen much in the way concrete comments on evidence that circling is real, I’m going to share a slightly outdated list of the concrete things I’ve gotten from practicing circling:
- a sense of what boundaries are, why they’re important, and how to source them internally
- my rate of resolving emotionally-charged conflict over text went from < 1% to ≈80%-90% in the first month or three of me starting circling
- a tool (“Curiosity”) for taking any conversation and making it genuinely interesting and likely deeper for me
- confidence and ability to connect more deeply with anyone who seems open to connecting more deeply with me
- the superpower of being able to describe to other people what I imagine they feel in their bodies in certain situations, and be right, even when they couldn’t’ve generated the descriptions
- empathy of the “I’m with you in what you’re feeling” sort rather than the “I have a conscious model of how you work and what’s going on with you and can predict what you’ll do” sort
- a language for talking about how I react in situations on a relational level
- a better understanding of what seems to be my deepest fear (others going away, and it being my fault)
- knowledge that I’m afraid of my own anger and that I deal with this by not trusting people in ways that allow them to make me angry
- an understanding of how asking “are you okay with the existence of my attraction to you?” disempowers me and gives another power over me they may not want; the ability and presence of mind to not do this anymore
- the ability to facilitate resolution to an emotional conflict over text even when both I and the other party are triggered/defensive/in a big experience
- understanding of what it feels like to “collapse”, and a vague sense of how to play with that edge
- more facility with placing my attention where I choose
- more respect for silence
- a deep comfort with prolonged eye contact
- knowledge that I seem to flinch a bit inside most times that I talk about sexuality or sex, especially in regards to myself
- knowledge that I struggle most with the question “am I welcome here?”
- a theory of what makes people emotionally tired, which seems to resonate with everyone I share it with
- strong opinions on communication
- the ability to generate ≈non-violent communication from the inside
- better introspective access on an emotional level
- new friends
- ability and comfort with sitting with my own experience and emotions for longer
- decreasing the time from when I first interact with someone to when interaction with them blows up, if it’s going to, I think because I’m pushing more of my edges and I see things more clearly and so all the knobs that I’m turning in the wrong direction I’m turning *really strongly* in the wrong direction
- maybe a tiny hint of how people relate to this thing called “community”?
- the ability to listen to nuances in “no”s, and not automatically interpret “no” as “no, I don’t want to interact with you now or ever again”
- increased facility in getting in touch with is own anger in a healthy way by asking what it’s protective of
- increased facility in engaging with others in their anger by seeking an understanding of what they’re standing for
- the experience of being able to decide that I wanted to go to sleep, roughly on time, without fighting myself, for the first time that I can recall in my life
Things that I’m currently playing with in circling, as of a couple of months ago:
- “am I welcome here?”
- “what if someone goes away, and it’s my fault?”
- What does it look like to find myself attractive or important, or to matter to myself?
- What does it look like and feel like to be held emotionally?
- What’s up for me around touch and physical affection?
- Am I terrified of having power over people?
- How can I be less careful, and more okay/accepting?
- What does it look like to do things from a place of desire rather than a place of “should”?
- What am I attached to and how does attachment get in the way of what I want?
~~~~
I’ve sometimes said that circling seems to me like “metacognitive defensive driving” (to extend the metaphor of metacognitive blindspots and metacognitive mirrors); there’s a way in which circling seems to allow my S1 to communicate very directly with another person’s S1, in situations where our S2′s get tripped up and have trouble communicating, and in such a way that it seems to bypass most issues of miscommunication and get directly to the heart of the matter. Even when I can’t see the ways that my cognition is impaired, circling frequently lets me bypass that or address it directly.
I also want to add another perspective on NVC/ ownership language. I like using ownership language in part because it tends to trip me up in all the places where I’m trying to do something other than communication with my words, and thus it helps me to understand myself better.