If there are any methods—rational or not—to erase this feeling from your mind, do it a.s.a.p. That is priority #1. Stop your brain from ruining your life.
I disagree with the one-sidedness of this advice—esp. without knowing all that much about the situation.
I have also been in a not really alike but also difficult situation and there are many layers. See also this. It might be that he understands only just too well that it was a mutual cycle. It might also be a cry for help on her side. Not that the method is acceptable but a signal it is. And I imagine a smart person can help her. Without going back. Someone else might help. Whatever help is the right kind here.
I didn’t give any advice. I urged for understanding that the situation might be more complex and layered than implied by the simplicity of the advice IN ALL CAPS. I hedged with lots of ‘might’ and ‘if’. And I didn’t intend to imply that the relationship should be repaired (at least not the romantic one; one cpuld hope to get along well though). In my worldview everyone is the hero of their own story to use that old picture and I work from the assumption that no side meant evil. It is difficult and may in many cases be impossible to untangle the vicious circle that developed. but even if one doesn’t interact personally after the break-up doesn’t mean that one can not or may not feel empathy and help. It could be possible to help indirectly in many ways like telling mutual friends or acquaintances to help. Offer to contact help lines or even offer material expenses (quite relevant in cases of break-ups). If these are refused or accusations are made due to it for me personally the human possible limit is reached. Also I don’t think that there is a moral responsibility to help that much at all. Everyone has to draw ones individual line somewhere. Maybe I’m more altruistic than average.
And yes. Obviously I’d also propose to listen to a battered woman when she proposes to help her ex. If she understands the dynamics of his anger and maybe her part in the mutual circle. I don’t propose that she go back to him though.
This feeds directly into what the OP has just broken free from: a cycle of continuously re-convincing himself that this relationship might not be what it appears on the surface and that he still has a responsibility to the other party.
One-sided advice is exactly what the brain needs to stop it from falling back to the endless well of excuses and rationalizations.
Maybe. But if you don’t know more than I do from what what posted here your can’t say with the strength you did in your post (though agree that by now some more details have become apparent).
I have been in a probably much less but still abusive relationship and if your are smart, reflective and it’s not too abusive (though I guess that the level of abuse changes over time) you can break up without loosing everything of the relationship. After all both sides have a part in it and by denying worth one looses or misrepresents also ones own part in it. My view of her and us has changed by our breakup but I salvaged positive emotion for her, esp. the things we did right and what was good about her—without feeling compelled to help her overly. A point he is over too apparently now (yes, it does take time).
One-sided advice is exactly what the brain needs to stop it from falling back to the endless well of excuses and rationalizations.
Could you back that up with non-anecdotal evidence please.
I disagree with the one-sidedness of this advice—esp. without knowing all that much about the situation.
I have also been in a not really alike but also difficult situation and there are many layers. See also this. It might be that he understands only just too well that it was a mutual cycle. It might also be a cry for help on her side. Not that the method is acceptable but a signal it is. And I imagine a smart person can help her. Without going back. Someone else might help. Whatever help is the right kind here.
I’m still stuck in the Dark Arts mode and I’m aware of it, but I will ask you anyway:
Would you also give the same relationship advice to a battered woman?
I didn’t give any advice. I urged for understanding that the situation might be more complex and layered than implied by the simplicity of the advice IN ALL CAPS. I hedged with lots of ‘might’ and ‘if’. And I didn’t intend to imply that the relationship should be repaired (at least not the romantic one; one cpuld hope to get along well though). In my worldview everyone is the hero of their own story to use that old picture and I work from the assumption that no side meant evil. It is difficult and may in many cases be impossible to untangle the vicious circle that developed. but even if one doesn’t interact personally after the break-up doesn’t mean that one can not or may not feel empathy and help. It could be possible to help indirectly in many ways like telling mutual friends or acquaintances to help. Offer to contact help lines or even offer material expenses (quite relevant in cases of break-ups). If these are refused or accusations are made due to it for me personally the human possible limit is reached. Also I don’t think that there is a moral responsibility to help that much at all. Everyone has to draw ones individual line somewhere. Maybe I’m more altruistic than average.
And yes. Obviously I’d also propose to listen to a battered woman when she proposes to help her ex. If she understands the dynamics of his anger and maybe her part in the mutual circle. I don’t propose that she go back to him though.
This feeds directly into what the OP has just broken free from: a cycle of continuously re-convincing himself that this relationship might not be what it appears on the surface and that he still has a responsibility to the other party.
One-sided advice is exactly what the brain needs to stop it from falling back to the endless well of excuses and rationalizations.
Maybe. But if you don’t know more than I do from what what posted here your can’t say with the strength you did in your post (though agree that by now some more details have become apparent).
I have been in a probably much less but still abusive relationship and if your are smart, reflective and it’s not too abusive (though I guess that the level of abuse changes over time) you can break up without loosing everything of the relationship. After all both sides have a part in it and by denying worth one looses or misrepresents also ones own part in it. My view of her and us has changed by our breakup but I salvaged positive emotion for her, esp. the things we did right and what was good about her—without feeling compelled to help her overly. A point he is over too apparently now (yes, it does take time).
Could you back that up with non-anecdotal evidence please.