Yes, it does imply that the person you’re talking to is not “an adult capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility for their own life”.
And often we’re not.
We have a ton on our minds. We have the capability to figure out our own problems, but we have more problems (areas where our lives are not optimized) than we have time to figure out and optimize. And that’s even LW/tech/intellectuals whose first thought is to google it. Most of humanity for most of history has tended to just guess and try stuff unless they’ve happened across someone who’s said “I actually know something about this.” My most frequent advice is “have you googled it” but even there I find people who’ve found some dumb SEO optimized page with terrible advice—and they haven’t known or bothered to look farther.
Why is someone telling you their problems if they don’t want help figuring them out? Usually they want some mix of sympathy and help—and they don’t know which because they don’t know how much you can help them. Figuring out which is appropriate is a very useful skill.
This is not to disagree with your suggestions; asking questions before giving advice is a great idea; it really helps establish whether this is an occasion where your advice might be useful.
I will quibble with your second one; sharing from personal experience rather than from your knowledge of other people’s experiences seems limiting. If your personal experience in the topic is looking at academic papers or Reddit accounts of success and failure stories, that’s highly worth sharing so that this person doesn’t have to re-do all of that work and spend all the time you did to get up to speed.
When people offer me advice, I feel cared for, and it often helps me think through the issue from a new perspective. I do wonder if they think I’m not an adult who’s taking responsibility for my own life—and often I conclude that they’re right, I haven’t yet taken responsibility for that particular aspect of my life.
And yes, it is helpful to couch your advice in the form of a question, to avoid implying too hard that this person is lazy or an idiot[1]
We are all lazy and an idiot some times and in some areas. We have sharp cognitive and energetic limitations. We’re doing great for monkeys, but recognizing that we’re all deeply limited and imperfect is not only realistic, it’s freeing.
Let me give you some advice: give advice.
Not all the time, but some of the time.
Yes, it does imply that the person you’re talking to is not “an adult capable of making their own decisions and taking responsibility for their own life”.
And often we’re not.
We have a ton on our minds. We have the capability to figure out our own problems, but we have more problems (areas where our lives are not optimized) than we have time to figure out and optimize. And that’s even LW/tech/intellectuals whose first thought is to google it. Most of humanity for most of history has tended to just guess and try stuff unless they’ve happened across someone who’s said “I actually know something about this.” My most frequent advice is “have you googled it” but even there I find people who’ve found some dumb SEO optimized page with terrible advice—and they haven’t known or bothered to look farther.
Why is someone telling you their problems if they don’t want help figuring them out? Usually they want some mix of sympathy and help—and they don’t know which because they don’t know how much you can help them. Figuring out which is appropriate is a very useful skill.
This is not to disagree with your suggestions; asking questions before giving advice is a great idea; it really helps establish whether this is an occasion where your advice might be useful.
I will quibble with your second one; sharing from personal experience rather than from your knowledge of other people’s experiences seems limiting. If your personal experience in the topic is looking at academic papers or Reddit accounts of success and failure stories, that’s highly worth sharing so that this person doesn’t have to re-do all of that work and spend all the time you did to get up to speed.
When people offer me advice, I feel cared for, and it often helps me think through the issue from a new perspective. I do wonder if they think I’m not an adult who’s taking responsibility for my own life—and often I conclude that they’re right, I haven’t yet taken responsibility for that particular aspect of my life.
And yes, it is helpful to couch your advice in the form of a question, to avoid implying too hard that this person is lazy or an idiot[1]
We are all lazy and an idiot some times and in some areas. We have sharp cognitive and energetic limitations. We’re doing great for monkeys, but recognizing that we’re all deeply limited and imperfect is not only realistic, it’s freeing.