Someone you have actually wronged probably doesn’t want an apology; they either want you to go away, or they want you to suffer.
If I have an appointment with you and I’m 20 minutes late then I have wronged you. That usually doesn’t mean that you want me to go away or want me to suffer. On the other hand an apology makes it clear that I admit that I made a mistake, so they don’t have to chide me for affair and we can move on and put our energy somewhere more productive.
I think that open communication and sharing information is a good default strategy even when there are cases where it doesn’t work. Sometimes it means you cooperate in prisoner dilemmas where the other person defects but it’s still a good default.
Unfortunately I’m still a bit underread on the topic of how to best apologize, but I think they are important.
Focusing on sharing information like apologies for mistakes and genuine compliments is a white hat social strategy. It believe it’s a lot more useful than thinking in terms of game theory and status competitions.
If I have an appointment with you and I’m 20 minutes late then I have wronged you. That usually doesn’t mean that you want me to go away or want me to suffer. On the other hand an apology makes it clear that I admit that I made a mistake, so they don’t have to chide me for affair and we can move on and put our energy somewhere more productive.
I think that open communication and sharing information is a good default strategy even when there are cases where it doesn’t work. Sometimes it means you cooperate in prisoner dilemmas where the other person defects but it’s still a good default.
Unfortunately I’m still a bit underread on the topic of how to best apologize, but I think they are important. Focusing on sharing information like apologies for mistakes and genuine compliments is a white hat social strategy. It believe it’s a lot more useful than thinking in terms of game theory and status competitions.