Good post. I was exposed to very similar advice a few years ago and tried to put it into practice when my partner’s father died soon after. During her long periods of grief she’d occasionally apologize for dragging me into this, and I’d simply reassure her that pain is the right thing to feel and that I’d be with her as she let grief take its course. I cringe at the thought of giving advice.
This generally gets at a cbt/mindfulness/stoicism truth. You can’t stop pain, you can only change your relationship to it. When you stub your toe, no amount of rationalization is going to make your nerves stop reporting damage. All you can do is breathe and wait it out. Wrestling with the feeling will just aggravate it and add anxiety to the pain. Giving advice implies there’s a way around a pain, which there usually isn’t, and unintentionally implies it’s the person’s fault for suffering.
We all know this, but it bears repeating that empathy is hard. Nobody likes seeing a loved one suffer, and dwelling on it doesn’t make it easier. It’s ok to hurt too.
Good post. I was exposed to very similar advice a few years ago and tried to put it into practice when my partner’s father died soon after. During her long periods of grief she’d occasionally apologize for dragging me into this, and I’d simply reassure her that pain is the right thing to feel and that I’d be with her as she let grief take its course. I cringe at the thought of giving advice.
This generally gets at a cbt/mindfulness/stoicism truth. You can’t stop pain, you can only change your relationship to it. When you stub your toe, no amount of rationalization is going to make your nerves stop reporting damage. All you can do is breathe and wait it out. Wrestling with the feeling will just aggravate it and add anxiety to the pain. Giving advice implies there’s a way around a pain, which there usually isn’t, and unintentionally implies it’s the person’s fault for suffering.
We all know this, but it bears repeating that empathy is hard. Nobody likes seeing a loved one suffer, and dwelling on it doesn’t make it easier. It’s ok to hurt too.