Here’s my take on the situation, but I feel like I should disclaim that this of course influenced by my own situations and personal biases.
Society tells us that we should love and respect our parents. I disagree. You should do that to the extent that those people deserve that love and respect. If your parents are abusive or bad in a different way, they don’t deserve anything you’re not willing to give. Internalizing this is a hard thing to do, because both you’ve been trained in a variety of ways that this is a bad thing. What might help is asking yourself the question: If a friend (or romantic partner) would act in this way, would you still be seeing them? Your parents should be held to similar standards, I feel.
If you do want to give them more chances or at least explain your position, I’d suggest to do it in writing. You can send them an email or give them a letter and they can read it. You should probably schedule a conversation about that letter afterwards. (This can be immediately afterwards, if they agree to read the whole thing before commenting.) This has the advantage that they can’t interrupt you and you can think carefully about what you want to say. It lets you add additional explanations and disclaimers that would be harder to convey when speaking. It can also give them time to think about your message.
If you want to confront them about their behavior and how they make you feel and they’re unwilling to compromise and change their behavior in the future, breaking contact probably should be considered.
The way your (admittedly one-sided) post looks to me is that your parents are emotionally abusive. You should probably take care of your own mental health before worrying about the happiness of your parents.
That’s pretty much what I wanted to say, so I’ll just upvote.
I would however add a link to the blog Captain Awkward. It’s got a lot of resources for people who want to set boundaries with their parents. You might even consider writing a letter once they’re open again.
What might help is asking yourself the question: If a friend (or romantic partner) would act in this way, would you still be seeing them?
Better: if you had a friend and she told you this story, what would you tell her? Or, if you had a long time friend whose opinion you really trusted, and you really knew that this person had your best interested to heart, what would they tell you?
It’s hard to be anything but wacky about your own problems. Somehow, you need to at least momentarily put yourself into an outside view so that you can better understand and evaluate your situation.
I’ve personally found that applying this kind of distancing helps, at least to gain another perspective.
I think it’s more important to be on good terms with your family than with people in general, largely just because they’re a Schelling point. But it’s not vital. From the description, I’d say that in jkadlubo’s case, it just isn’t worth it.
I think that, in general, most people have a strong connection to their family and want to keep it. Family tends to offer a wide range of shared experiences and shared ideas and this can be very valuable for a variety of reasons. Most people want to be on good terms with their family because they actually like their family. If you don’t desire to be on good terms with your family, there’s little reason to expend a lot of effort to do so.
Only if you’re family, you know, doesn’t suck and isn’t abusive. For most people, you’re definitely right, but I wouldn’t call those arguments in favor of staying on good terms with bad families.
This “is family somehow more important than other people” question is something I’ve been reluctantly thinking about for some time. I want to find a “yes”, but I don’t see it. Then I start doubting my expertise on the subject and scream to myself “confirmation bias!!!”. And then I shut the screamer up with “but you always doubt yourself, maybe this time you are right?”
I think family should be given some extra slack—for example, if your family is kind of boring and/or irritating, but basically supportive, it’s probably worth your while to maintain your connections. However, if you have clear evidence that your family is not on your side, you would do better to build relationships with other people.
Here’s my take on the situation, but I feel like I should disclaim that this of course influenced by my own situations and personal biases.
Society tells us that we should love and respect our parents. I disagree. You should do that to the extent that those people deserve that love and respect. If your parents are abusive or bad in a different way, they don’t deserve anything you’re not willing to give. Internalizing this is a hard thing to do, because both you’ve been trained in a variety of ways that this is a bad thing. What might help is asking yourself the question: If a friend (or romantic partner) would act in this way, would you still be seeing them? Your parents should be held to similar standards, I feel.
If you do want to give them more chances or at least explain your position, I’d suggest to do it in writing. You can send them an email or give them a letter and they can read it. You should probably schedule a conversation about that letter afterwards. (This can be immediately afterwards, if they agree to read the whole thing before commenting.) This has the advantage that they can’t interrupt you and you can think carefully about what you want to say. It lets you add additional explanations and disclaimers that would be harder to convey when speaking. It can also give them time to think about your message.
If you want to confront them about their behavior and how they make you feel and they’re unwilling to compromise and change their behavior in the future, breaking contact probably should be considered.
The way your (admittedly one-sided) post looks to me is that your parents are emotionally abusive. You should probably take care of your own mental health before worrying about the happiness of your parents.
That’s pretty much what I wanted to say, so I’ll just upvote.
I would however add a link to the blog Captain Awkward. It’s got a lot of resources for people who want to set boundaries with their parents. You might even consider writing a letter once they’re open again.
Good luck and best wishes.
Better: if you had a friend and she told you this story, what would you tell her? Or, if you had a long time friend whose opinion you really trusted, and you really knew that this person had your best interested to heart, what would they tell you?
It’s hard to be anything but wacky about your own problems. Somehow, you need to at least momentarily put yourself into an outside view so that you can better understand and evaluate your situation.
I’ve personally found that applying this kind of distancing helps, at least to gain another perspective.
I think it’s more important to be on good terms with your family than with people in general, largely just because they’re a Schelling point. But it’s not vital. From the description, I’d say that in jkadlubo’s case, it just isn’t worth it.
I think that, in general, most people have a strong connection to their family and want to keep it. Family tends to offer a wide range of shared experiences and shared ideas and this can be very valuable for a variety of reasons. Most people want to be on good terms with their family because they actually like their family. If you don’t desire to be on good terms with your family, there’s little reason to expend a lot of effort to do so.
If you need a place to stay or a loan or something, I think your family is generally more likely to do it than a friend.
Only if you’re family, you know, doesn’t suck and isn’t abusive. For most people, you’re definitely right, but I wouldn’t call those arguments in favor of staying on good terms with bad families.
A close friend would offer those things.
This “is family somehow more important than other people” question is something I’ve been reluctantly thinking about for some time. I want to find a “yes”, but I don’t see it. Then I start doubting my expertise on the subject and scream to myself “confirmation bias!!!”. And then I shut the screamer up with “but you always doubt yourself, maybe this time you are right?”
I think family should be given some extra slack—for example, if your family is kind of boring and/or irritating, but basically supportive, it’s probably worth your while to maintain your connections. However, if you have clear evidence that your family is not on your side, you would do better to build relationships with other people.