How can you avoid that a conversation degrades into an interview? Where you are the person asking questions and the other is just answering and isn’t asking anything back. (This can sometimes work, as you note in your McKinsey example, but is mostly awkward.)
I think “notice signposts” is just one of many unknown tips for good conversations, and perhaps not the most important one. Of course, people with healthy amounts of social intelligence won’t need those tips anyway.
To avoid the interview-style conversation, I don’t have to wait for someone to ask me a question. I can just open up and share relatable things (via conversational signposts) about my life. And if they’re not biting, like at all, it’s possible we may not have much in common. At that point, it’s okay to make a polite excuse to exit the conversation.
The other consideration is that some people feel awkward asking personal questions. To those more introverted people, I praise any questions they ask me. Here’s an example:
Them: “How’s work going?” Me: “Thanks for asking! It’s going well, though, I’m a bit frustrated at the moment with my boss.” Them: “Frustrated in what way?” Me: “Hmm, good question...[thinking] I guess it’s because he doesn’t listen to my input.”
^I’m demonstrating that I value their input and encouraging them to ask more questions. (See: Don’t Shoot the Dog).
(Also, I removed the McKinsey example. I don’t think it was adding much to the concept of conversational signposts).
Ah. So I guess you should neither ask just questions, nor just always talk about yourself, but rather balance both.
Praising questions is an interesting tip to ease-in more introverted people. This reminds me of another strategy a sociable colleague of mine used on shy people: He made playful jokes about his conversation partner (“teasing”), encouraging them to be bold and “hit back” with something, and then laugh about their joke. Which instantly empowered them. This probably works best when both are men. Making self-deprecating jokes is a safer option, though not as effective.
How can you avoid that a conversation degrades into an interview? Where you are the person asking questions and the other is just answering and isn’t asking anything back. (This can sometimes work, as you note in your McKinsey example, but is mostly awkward.)
I think “notice signposts” is just one of many unknown tips for good conversations, and perhaps not the most important one. Of course, people with healthy amounts of social intelligence won’t need those tips anyway.
To avoid the interview-style conversation, I don’t have to wait for someone to ask me a question. I can just open up and share relatable things (via conversational signposts) about my life. And if they’re not biting, like at all, it’s possible we may not have much in common. At that point, it’s okay to make a polite excuse to exit the conversation.
The other consideration is that some people feel awkward asking personal questions. To those more introverted people, I praise any questions they ask me. Here’s an example:
Them: “How’s work going?”
Me: “Thanks for asking! It’s going well, though, I’m a bit frustrated at the moment with my boss.”
Them: “Frustrated in what way?”
Me: “Hmm, good question...[thinking] I guess it’s because he doesn’t listen to my input.”
^I’m demonstrating that I value their input and encouraging them to ask more questions. (See: Don’t Shoot the Dog).
(Also, I removed the McKinsey example. I don’t think it was adding much to the concept of conversational signposts).
Ah. So I guess you should neither ask just questions, nor just always talk about yourself, but rather balance both.
Praising questions is an interesting tip to ease-in more introverted people. This reminds me of another strategy a sociable colleague of mine used on shy people: He made playful jokes about his conversation partner (“teasing”), encouraging them to be bold and “hit back” with something, and then laugh about their joke. Which instantly empowered them. This probably works best when both are men. Making self-deprecating jokes is a safer option, though not as effective.