I asked if she wanted to share my umbrella and she declined
If you ask and she agrees, it appears to create an implicit favor she was probably uncomfortable with. The term “share” also conveys an uncomfortable connotation of closeness. I bet that if you simply held an umbrella over her head matter-of-factly, she would not have objected and possibly even thanked you later.
(I don’t remember my exact phrasing of the question.) Your view is interesting, because to me that action would fall into borderline-creep behavior—intruding on personal space without asking.
The “creepyness” rules are not formulated to make one effective at social interaction, they are formulated to prevent creepy behaviour. Those goals may conflict.
More cynically (not necessarily my opinion), the stated rules are damaging to people who follow them, because when people think them up, they think of someone they wouldn’t like, and then think of rules that they would like such a person to follow. No incentive to think of the misliked person’s best interests.
I suppose some women could misinterpret it this way. But given that “we see and greet each other occasionally” she should be brave enough to refuse your unsolicited umbrella if she felt uncomfortable. But yes, you would be running a bit of a risk.
A non-sudden matter-of-fact move with a few words can help reduce the chances of that, especially if it’s all done in a certain Notice ->BeginHelping / ShowYouCanHelp → GiveAnEscapeRoute+OfferMoreHelp pattern.
If someone is carrying heavy bags and looks like they’re about to fall a flight of stairs, I put up my arm to help and then ask if they want help, or some other signal of offer-for-assistance that gives some kind of opening to say “No thanks” or walk away.
If your actions and/or words pattern-match to this kind of intervention, then the vast majority of people will look positively upon it, IME.
If you ask and she agrees, it appears to create an implicit favor she was probably uncomfortable with.
I guess that would depend, among other things, on what tone of voice you use and on which ways you’ve interacted with her so far. (I’ve had people who I’m sure beyond reasonable doubt they’re not sexually attracted to me offer to share their umbrella as recently as this week.)
Anyway, I remember being offered to share an umbrella by a complete stranger of the gender other than mine when I was in my teens (and I understood pretty much f***-all about gender dynamics) -- I declined mostly because I was in a hurry and didn’t want her to have to walk as fast as me.
If you ask and she agrees, it appears to create an implicit favor she was probably uncomfortable with. The term “share” also conveys an uncomfortable connotation of closeness. I bet that if you simply held an umbrella over her head matter-of-factly, she would not have objected and possibly even thanked you later.
(I don’t remember my exact phrasing of the question.) Your view is interesting, because to me that action would fall into borderline-creep behavior—intruding on personal space without asking.
Indeed, and yet it may also work.
The “creepyness” rules are not formulated to make one effective at social interaction, they are formulated to prevent creepy behaviour. Those goals may conflict.
More cynically (not necessarily my opinion), the stated rules are damaging to people who follow them, because when people think them up, they think of someone they wouldn’t like, and then think of rules that they would like such a person to follow. No incentive to think of the misliked person’s best interests.
I suppose some women could misinterpret it this way. But given that “we see and greet each other occasionally” she should be brave enough to refuse your unsolicited umbrella if she felt uncomfortable. But yes, you would be running a bit of a risk.
A non-sudden matter-of-fact move with a few words can help reduce the chances of that, especially if it’s all done in a certain Notice ->BeginHelping / ShowYouCanHelp → GiveAnEscapeRoute+OfferMoreHelp pattern.
If someone is carrying heavy bags and looks like they’re about to fall a flight of stairs, I put up my arm to help and then ask if they want help, or some other signal of offer-for-assistance that gives some kind of opening to say “No thanks” or walk away.
If your actions and/or words pattern-match to this kind of intervention, then the vast majority of people will look positively upon it, IME.
I guess that would depend, among other things, on what tone of voice you use and on which ways you’ve interacted with her so far. (I’ve had people who I’m sure beyond reasonable doubt they’re not sexually attracted to me offer to share their umbrella as recently as this week.)
Anyway, I remember being offered to share an umbrella by a complete stranger of the gender other than mine when I was in my teens (and I understood pretty much f***-all about gender dynamics) -- I declined mostly because I was in a hurry and didn’t want her to have to walk as fast as me.