How do you instill discipline (e.g. don’t be mean to your sister, wash you hands after the potty, no jumping on the couch, etc.) without being authoritarian and while maintaining a positive self-image?
That is a complex question and admits no general answers I fear. Depends a lot on your temperament and that of the children. I could recommend a few books but maybe some personal experience will give you some ideas:
don’t be mean to your sister,
This is really a continuous issue between my two oldest as the 10 year old always wants to win and outsmart and take advantage of the younger ones. He is not mean but can be quite rough; kind of insensitive but it is balanced in so far as he can take it too. And the 7 year old is smart enough to notice when he is taken advantage of and just doesn’t let his older brother win. He is more balanced but tend to explode or retreat and he gets his revenge by using low profile needling.
They can play together happily for hours but only as long as long competition topic comes up which it does earlier or later. And that may be . I have tried without end to talk with them about their conflict and tried to find rules they could both agree and and they did (like both go to their room, agree to apologize, allowance reuction for harsh language, …) which didn’t really change anything. They continue and either just accept the consequences or get into fights with me over my enforcing of our agreed consequences.
What is the lesson? Separate them or have a close eye on competitive situations or accept their conflict as an inevitable part of sibling revalry.
I understand that this is basically normal behavior; I am rumored to have not been much different to my younger brother either and my wife is said to have had fist and kick fights with her brother.
Nonetheless our adult values (here esp. my strong emotional reaction when others are hurt) causes significant stress. It just isn’t clear enought whether the truth is that nothing can/should be done or that you can do the rigth thing if you just think and try enough.
wash you hands after the potty,
As an example of hygiene I guess. It helps if you talk and explain about biology. About viruses tricking the cells in your body and being in your snot and excrement. About bacteria eating sugar and peeing on your teeth. About bacteria eating your cells and your immune system tagged and eating the bacteria. Bacteria eating meat that has no running immune system and multiplying. Doing the repeated multiplication.
But don’t overdo it. They should still happily play in the dirt (actually most small children literally eat dirt when not actively kept from it).
We had a strong rule against that too. We had an old sofa in the basement—a rampage room—where they could.
But consider Christopher Alexanders advice that the child play area is (should be) the contiguous area connecting the childrens rooms and the outside. If that area goes thru the living room then the sofa is prey at least temporarily and you fight against windmills. When my wife moved out I gave in and just restrain overuse by the older. The furniture is modular and the cover can be washed.
How do you instill discipline (e.g. don’t be mean to your sister, wash you hands after the potty, no jumping on the couch, etc.) without being authoritarian and while maintaining a positive self-image?
That is a complex question and admits no general answers I fear. Depends a lot on your temperament and that of the children. I could recommend a few books but maybe some personal experience will give you some ideas:
This is really a continuous issue between my two oldest as the 10 year old always wants to win and outsmart and take advantage of the younger ones. He is not mean but can be quite rough; kind of insensitive but it is balanced in so far as he can take it too. And the 7 year old is smart enough to notice when he is taken advantage of and just doesn’t let his older brother win. He is more balanced but tend to explode or retreat and he gets his revenge by using low profile needling.
They can play together happily for hours but only as long as long competition topic comes up which it does earlier or later. And that may be . I have tried without end to talk with them about their conflict and tried to find rules they could both agree and and they did (like both go to their room, agree to apologize, allowance reuction for harsh language, …) which didn’t really change anything. They continue and either just accept the consequences or get into fights with me over my enforcing of our agreed consequences.
What is the lesson? Separate them or have a close eye on competitive situations or accept their conflict as an inevitable part of sibling revalry.
I understand that this is basically normal behavior; I am rumored to have not been much different to my younger brother either and my wife is said to have had fist and kick fights with her brother.
Nonetheless our adult values (here esp. my strong emotional reaction when others are hurt) causes significant stress. It just isn’t clear enought whether the truth is that nothing can/should be done or that you can do the rigth thing if you just think and try enough.
As an example of hygiene I guess. It helps if you talk and explain about biology. About viruses tricking the cells in your body and being in your snot and excrement. About bacteria eating sugar and peeing on your teeth. About bacteria eating your cells and your immune system tagged and eating the bacteria. Bacteria eating meat that has no running immune system and multiplying. Doing the repeated multiplication.
But don’t overdo it. They should still happily play in the dirt (actually most small children literally eat dirt when not actively kept from it).
Also consider http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hygiene_hypothesis
But they like to.
We had a strong rule against that too. We had an old sofa in the basement—a rampage room—where they could.
But consider Christopher Alexanders advice that the child play area is (should be) the contiguous area connecting the childrens rooms and the outside. If that area goes thru the living room then the sofa is prey at least temporarily and you fight against windmills. When my wife moved out I gave in and just restrain overuse by the older. The furniture is modular and the cover can be washed.