because my previous approach has yet to work at an age where it has for others!
Some thoughts:
I doubt that it’s because you’re not unique enough. There are a lot of non-unique people with girlfriends.
I doubt that it’s because you’re not good looking enough. There are a lot of not-so-great-looking people with girlfriends.
It seems to me that there is some underlying reason why you haven’t had success yet. I’d think that strategies involving your uniqueness and/or looks would be mostly fruitless without addressing the underlying reason. My guess is that the underlying reason involves some combo of awkwardness and lack of confidence. If my guess is true, I don’t see it as bad news, because I see it as something that is very addressable.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 22 and have never had a girlfriend.
Adding my data point: I had a first girlfriend at 24, but soon after 30 finding a new girlfriend was no problem. Since I don’t have a control group, it is hard to tell what exactly was responsible for the change: age alone, more social life, stuff I learned online, confidence gained from the first success, dancing and massage lessons, or maybe something else I am not aware of. But it was a dramatic change.
It would be easier to tell what I did not do: I didn’t exercise, I didn’t get more rich, I haven’t moved to a different city. I’m mentioning these, because this was an advice I got sometimes. To avoid misunderstanding, I am not saying you shouldn’t do anything of these—anything that gives you an advantage, and isn’t too costly, do it; don’t handicap yourself—just saying that at the end it was not inevitable for me.
If I could send a message to my former self, it would be to do the dancing and massage lessons (seriously: you do it once, and you benefit from it for the rest of your life), exercise (wisely; don’t just do random stuff that makes you tired), and just try to have fun instead of searching for a serious relationship. Meet many new people, don’t cling to people you already know if they don’t provide you any value just because you already spent time (sunk cost) with them.
Thanks for this. I’ve always suspected that one could sort of hack the process by training certain skills explicitly, like in doing the dance and massage lessons.
For what it’s worth, I see a surprisingly large number of (attractive and female) dancers on OKC. It seems like one of those things that, if you want to meet desirable women who are looking to meet men, is an obvious approach to take. Meet them at the dance studio, or at events with dancing, or online from a position where you can speak to their interest. Go on a date to a place that has dancing, or put on music and ask her to dance at home (there’s on OKC question about this; nearly all women—not just the ones who otherwise say they like dancing—indicate they’d respond favorably).
Massage is probably less directly useful for signaling attractiveness (although you could try; “I love giving massages” is probably generally a positive thing to say), but is certainly useful if you reach a point where it’s something you can offer your date… Anecdotally, my girlfriend and I give each other massages all the time, and it’s definitely one of the things we find attractive about each other. One of our most fun dates (after we’d been seeing each other a few months) was taking a massage class for couples.
1) You may be interested in this article—The Economics of Sex.
2) Have you tried online dating? It seems much more efficient.
I like it :)
Some thoughts:
I doubt that it’s because you’re not unique enough. There are a lot of non-unique people with girlfriends.
I doubt that it’s because you’re not good looking enough. There are a lot of not-so-great-looking people with girlfriends.
It seems to me that there is some underlying reason why you haven’t had success yet. I’d think that strategies involving your uniqueness and/or looks would be mostly fruitless without addressing the underlying reason. My guess is that the underlying reason involves some combo of awkwardness and lack of confidence. If my guess is true, I don’t see it as bad news, because I see it as something that is very addressable.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 22 and have never had a girlfriend.
Adding my data point: I had a first girlfriend at 24, but soon after 30 finding a new girlfriend was no problem. Since I don’t have a control group, it is hard to tell what exactly was responsible for the change: age alone, more social life, stuff I learned online, confidence gained from the first success, dancing and massage lessons, or maybe something else I am not aware of. But it was a dramatic change.
It would be easier to tell what I did not do: I didn’t exercise, I didn’t get more rich, I haven’t moved to a different city. I’m mentioning these, because this was an advice I got sometimes. To avoid misunderstanding, I am not saying you shouldn’t do anything of these—anything that gives you an advantage, and isn’t too costly, do it; don’t handicap yourself—just saying that at the end it was not inevitable for me.
If I could send a message to my former self, it would be to do the dancing and massage lessons (seriously: you do it once, and you benefit from it for the rest of your life), exercise (wisely; don’t just do random stuff that makes you tired), and just try to have fun instead of searching for a serious relationship. Meet many new people, don’t cling to people you already know if they don’t provide you any value just because you already spent time (sunk cost) with them.
Thanks for this. I’ve always suspected that one could sort of hack the process by training certain skills explicitly, like in doing the dance and massage lessons.
For what it’s worth, I see a surprisingly large number of (attractive and female) dancers on OKC. It seems like one of those things that, if you want to meet desirable women who are looking to meet men, is an obvious approach to take. Meet them at the dance studio, or at events with dancing, or online from a position where you can speak to their interest. Go on a date to a place that has dancing, or put on music and ask her to dance at home (there’s on OKC question about this; nearly all women—not just the ones who otherwise say they like dancing—indicate they’d respond favorably).
Massage is probably less directly useful for signaling attractiveness (although you could try; “I love giving massages” is probably generally a positive thing to say), but is certainly useful if you reach a point where it’s something you can offer your date… Anecdotally, my girlfriend and I give each other massages all the time, and it’s definitely one of the things we find attractive about each other. One of our most fun dates (after we’d been seeing each other a few months) was taking a massage class for couples.