Update for the curious: did talk to a friend (the same one mentioned above, who, I think, is a better “shrink” than some real shrinks) and am now resolved to kick this thing, because sooner or later, excessive approval-seeking will get me in trouble.
I’m starting with what I think of as homebrew CBT: I will not gratuitously apologize or verbally belittle myself. I will try to replace “I suck, everyone hates me” thoughts with saner alternatives. I will keep doing this even when it seems stupid and self-deluding. Hopefully the concrete behavioral stuff will affect the higher-level stuff.
After all. A mathematician I really admire gave me career advice—and it was “Believe in yourself.” Yeah, in those words, and he’s a logical guy, not very soft and fuzzy.
Here’s my rationalist CBT: the things that depression tells you are way too extreme to be accurate—self-deluding is believing them, not examining them rationally.
I have exactly the same problem. I think I understand where mine comes from, from being abused by my older siblings. I have Asperger’s, so I was an easy target. I think they would sucker me in by being nice to me, then when I was more vulnerable whack me psychologically (or otherwise). It is very difficult for me to accept praise of any sort because it reflexively puts me on guard and I become hypersensitive.
You can’t get psychotherapy from a friend, it doesn’t work and can’t work because the friendship dynamic gets in the way (from both directions). A good therapist can help a great deal, but that therapist needs to be not connected to your social network.
The issue that are dealt with in psychotherapy are fundamentally non-rational issues. Rational issues are trivial to deal with (for people who are rationalists). The substrate of the issues dealt with in psychotherapy are feelings and not thoughts.
I see feelings as an analog component of the human utility function. That analog component affects the gain and feedback in the non-analog components. The feedback by which thoughts affect feelings is slow and tenuous and takes a long time and considerable neuronal remodeling. That is why psychotherapy takes a long time, the neuronal remodeling necessary to affect feelings is much slower than the neuronal remodeling that affects thoughts.
A common response to trauma is to dissociate and suppress the coupling between feelings and thoughts. The easiest and most reliable way to do this is to not have feelings because feelings that are not felt cannot be expressed and so cannot be observed and so cannot be used by opponents as a basis of attack. I think this is the basis of the constricted affect of PTSD.
Update for the curious: did talk to a friend (the same one mentioned above, who, I think, is a better “shrink” than some real shrinks) and am now resolved to kick this thing, because sooner or later, excessive approval-seeking will get me in trouble.
I’m starting with what I think of as homebrew CBT: I will not gratuitously apologize or verbally belittle myself. I will try to replace “I suck, everyone hates me” thoughts with saner alternatives. I will keep doing this even when it seems stupid and self-deluding. Hopefully the concrete behavioral stuff will affect the higher-level stuff.
After all. A mathematician I really admire gave me career advice—and it was “Believe in yourself.” Yeah, in those words, and he’s a logical guy, not very soft and fuzzy.
Here’s my rationalist CBT: the things that depression tells you are way too extreme to be accurate—self-deluding is believing them, not examining them rationally.
sounds good.
I have exactly the same problem. I think I understand where mine comes from, from being abused by my older siblings. I have Asperger’s, so I was an easy target. I think they would sucker me in by being nice to me, then when I was more vulnerable whack me psychologically (or otherwise). It is very difficult for me to accept praise of any sort because it reflexively puts me on guard and I become hypersensitive.
You can’t get psychotherapy from a friend, it doesn’t work and can’t work because the friendship dynamic gets in the way (from both directions). A good therapist can help a great deal, but that therapist needs to be not connected to your social network.
The issue that are dealt with in psychotherapy are fundamentally non-rational issues. Rational issues are trivial to deal with (for people who are rationalists). The substrate of the issues dealt with in psychotherapy are feelings and not thoughts.
I see feelings as an analog component of the human utility function. That analog component affects the gain and feedback in the non-analog components. The feedback by which thoughts affect feelings is slow and tenuous and takes a long time and considerable neuronal remodeling. That is why psychotherapy takes a long time, the neuronal remodeling necessary to affect feelings is much slower than the neuronal remodeling that affects thoughts.
A common response to trauma is to dissociate and suppress the coupling between feelings and thoughts. The easiest and most reliable way to do this is to not have feelings because feelings that are not felt cannot be expressed and so cannot be observed and so cannot be used by opponents as a basis of attack. I think this is the basis of the constricted affect of PTSD.