“I’ve been sent to help you, so please don’t be afraid. I am your servant in all things; for you, my Lady, are the last magical descendant of Merlin-”
“That’s ridiculous.”
(fleeting disorientation)
“For you, my Lady, are the last magical descendant of Ravenclaw-”
“I don’t believe you.”
(fleeting disorientation)
“For you, my Lady, are the bearer of a most marvelous destiny-”
Edit: (Personally, I prefer ”—she felt a momentary sense of disorientation - ”; it seems a little more subtle, but I guess that’s not the effect he’s going for.)
It is more subtle and I do prefer it. The problem is that a substantial fraction of reviewers are still saying they’ve got no idea what’s happening during the ellipses, and I care about that.
Your version is a little too unsubtle, but the fact that people were buying the “last descendant of Merlin thing” had me wondering what it would’ve taken to actually trigger their skepticism.
“For you, my Lady, are the last descendant of Cthulhu—”
“For you alone must stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness—”
No, I get why you changed it, and I certainly wasn’t offering that as any kind of serious suggestion, but… well, maybe it’s elitist of me, but frankly I don’t understand what benefit there is to catering to the lowest common denominator of ffnet readers. I mean, the lowest common denominator of ffnet readers is pretty low. (Boy-Who-Lived Gets Draco Malfoy Pregnant! sorry i suk at sumries lol, dont liek dont read)
On another note:
“For you, my Princess, are of the blood of the dragons—”
I agree. It was so obvious to me that Hermione was being Obliviated that when I read the instruction at the start of the next chapter I went back to see what I could be missing. It didn’t occur to me that peope might not be getting it. And that was when it had ellipses.
I’m one of the people who was confused by the Merlin thing and said as such in my review that I wasn’t sure if it was lying or not. In that version, the Obliviation was a lot less obvious. My initial reading was that the entity in question was trying to appear (probably untruthfully) to have been testing Hermione previously and was now ready to reveal itself in its true, nice form. It even occurred to me that it might even have been its actual form with it finally happy that it could appear as a nice being rather than as some terrible mystery. I was in particular thinking of the part in the Chronicles of Prydain where the companions are shocked to find out that the nasty looking hags true form might actually be beautiful young women. In that text they call it out explicitly.
Still, the switch to the repeated … made it really clear what was going on in a really blunt, squicktastic fashion. I have to agree with pedanterrific that you may want to be careful not to play to the lowest common denominator of ff.
“For you alone must stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness—”
I would really like if it included this. If you did go with pedanterrific’s suggestion this might also help reduce the squicktastic aspect of the repeated memory erasure. Actually, the juxtaposition might make it more squick; I’m not sure.
Missed opportunity:
Edit: (Personally, I prefer ”—she felt a momentary sense of disorientation - ”; it seems a little more subtle, but I guess that’s not the effect he’s going for.)
It is more subtle and I do prefer it. The problem is that a substantial fraction of reviewers are still saying they’ve got no idea what’s happening during the ellipses, and I care about that.
Your version is a little too unsubtle, but the fact that people were buying the “last descendant of Merlin thing” had me wondering what it would’ve taken to actually trigger their skepticism.
“For you, my Lady, are the last descendant of Cthulhu—”
“For you alone must stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness—”
“Only you can prevent forest fires—”
No, I get why you changed it, and I certainly wasn’t offering that as any kind of serious suggestion, but… well, maybe it’s elitist of me, but frankly I don’t understand what benefit there is to catering to the lowest common denominator of ffnet readers. I mean, the lowest common denominator of ffnet readers is pretty low. (Boy-Who-Lived Gets Draco Malfoy Pregnant! sorry i suk at sumries lol, dont liek dont read)
On another note:
“For you, my Princess, are of the blood of the dragons—”
“You have the ability to overcome great fear—”
“By your powers combined, I am—”
“Yer a wizard, Hermione—”
Raising the sanity waterline and all that.
I agree. It was so obvious to me that Hermione was being Obliviated that when I read the instruction at the start of the next chapter I went back to see what I could be missing. It didn’t occur to me that peope might not be getting it. And that was when it had ellipses.
I’m one of the people who was confused by the Merlin thing and said as such in my review that I wasn’t sure if it was lying or not. In that version, the Obliviation was a lot less obvious. My initial reading was that the entity in question was trying to appear (probably untruthfully) to have been testing Hermione previously and was now ready to reveal itself in its true, nice form. It even occurred to me that it might even have been its actual form with it finally happy that it could appear as a nice being rather than as some terrible mystery. I was in particular thinking of the part in the Chronicles of Prydain where the companions are shocked to find out that the nasty looking hags true form might actually be beautiful young women. In that text they call it out explicitly.
Still, the switch to the repeated … made it really clear what was going on in a really blunt, squicktastic fashion. I have to agree with pedanterrific that you may want to be careful not to play to the lowest common denominator of ff.
I would really like if it included this. If you did go with pedanterrific’s suggestion this might also help reduce the squicktastic aspect of the repeated memory erasure. Actually, the juxtaposition might make it more squick; I’m not sure.
(In hindsight, Giles felt it was a little embarrassing, how obvious the solution was.
After all, what teenage girl doesn’t want to feel special?)
Euurghh the more I think about this the worse it gets
Sure Thing.
Oh! Ives! I love Ives. I spent a whole winter reading him once. I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote.
(Bell rings.)
“You win” seems appropriate.
I think so. Eliezer needs to revise his chapter again.