The main negative aspect of my ongoing experience (20 months so far) has primarily been in increased awkwardness around acquaintances and family members. I’m predisposed to that anyway, and actually doing something nonconformy (and not really having much sense of how acquaintances and family members feel about it, even those who are aware of the relationship) has heightened the phenomenon.
The fact that you describe this as “my negative experience” instead of something like “the only negative part of my experience” suggests to me that you think you would be happier in a non-poly relationship which is otherwise the same as your current relationship in as many ways as possible. Is that so?
Leaving aside the fact that mono and poly relationship opportunities have limited overlap and therefore often aren’t really comparable, would you convert your current relationship to a monogamous (monoamorous?) one if you could, even though that would require excluding some members of it? Or is the relationship you have now, with its multiple partners, something you would not risk losing for the sake of some conformity?
I ask because I really can’t tell from your comment whether you’re describing “being in a poly relationship is a negative outcome (but I stay in it anyway because it beats my available alternatives)” or “this is a significantly negative experience that I have had as a result of being poly (but the total outcome of the relationship is positive)” and the subject of the thread is outcomes more than specific experiences.
Argh. No, my current relationship(s) are pretty great overall, and I was so enthusiastic about demonstrating that I was realistic about the downsides that I didn’t really think about the outcomes vs. experiences thing.
Sorry for the confusion; will (try to) edit for clarity.
I know what you mean. For me it helped to come out to everyone I cared about. I wasn’t able/willing to do so with family, and those interactions are more stressful than interactions with friends. The increased mental load of “don’t out yourself” is not insignificant.
However, I’m surprised you’ve been poly for 20 months if you’ve found it to be net negative.
Yeah. For me I don’t think so much in terms of “don’t out yourself” (basically figuring this is impossible) as “will I be able to manage my relationship with this bystander with minimum future awkwardness” (which I have maybe unreasonably low priors for.)
The main negative aspect of my ongoing experience (20 months so far) has primarily been in increased awkwardness around acquaintances and family members. I’m predisposed to that anyway, and actually doing something nonconformy (and not really having much sense of how acquaintances and family members feel about it, even those who are aware of the relationship) has heightened the phenomenon.
It’s definitely net positive overall, though. :)
edit: deobfuscation
The fact that you describe this as “my negative experience” instead of something like “the only negative part of my experience” suggests to me that you think you would be happier in a non-poly relationship which is otherwise the same as your current relationship in as many ways as possible. Is that so?
Leaving aside the fact that mono and poly relationship opportunities have limited overlap and therefore often aren’t really comparable, would you convert your current relationship to a monogamous (monoamorous?) one if you could, even though that would require excluding some members of it? Or is the relationship you have now, with its multiple partners, something you would not risk losing for the sake of some conformity?
I ask because I really can’t tell from your comment whether you’re describing “being in a poly relationship is a negative outcome (but I stay in it anyway because it beats my available alternatives)” or “this is a significantly negative experience that I have had as a result of being poly (but the total outcome of the relationship is positive)” and the subject of the thread is outcomes more than specific experiences.
EDIT: grammar.
Argh. No, my current relationship(s) are pretty great overall, and I was so enthusiastic about demonstrating that I was realistic about the downsides that I didn’t really think about the outcomes vs. experiences thing.
Sorry for the confusion; will (try to) edit for clarity.
I know what you mean. For me it helped to come out to everyone I cared about. I wasn’t able/willing to do so with family, and those interactions are more stressful than interactions with friends. The increased mental load of “don’t out yourself” is not insignificant.
However, I’m surprised you’ve been poly for 20 months if you’ve found it to be net negative.
Yeah. For me I don’t think so much in terms of “don’t out yourself” (basically figuring this is impossible) as “will I be able to manage my relationship with this bystander with minimum future awkwardness” (which I have maybe unreasonably low priors for.)
(Also, not net negative; see above)