It seems to me like a big part of the picture here is legibility. Social and private boundaries are a highly illegible domain, and that state of affairs is in conflict with the desires of a society which is increasingly risk-averse. To stick with the language of this particular analogy, a successful benign violation for you is one that shows metis over the domain of “living with Duncan”. On the flip side, the illegibility makes it harder for you to distinguish between malicious probing for weakness and innocent misjudgment, and for the other party to distinguish between “Duncan will be fine” and “Duncan will be a bit annoyed” and “Duncan will distrust or dislike me”.
Unfortunately I think that means my takeaway is that this is a lesson that basically lives within each individual’s personal sphere and doesn’t generalize well. You can master the art of living with your own loved ones but probably not master living with everyone. You can say “the world will be better if we all get better at navigating this illegible territory,” and you’re right, but the how and when is left as an exercise for the reader.
It seems to me like a big part of the picture here is legibility. Social and private boundaries are a highly illegible domain, and that state of affairs is in conflict with the desires of a society which is increasingly risk-averse. To stick with the language of this particular analogy, a successful benign violation for you is one that shows metis over the domain of “living with Duncan”. On the flip side, the illegibility makes it harder for you to distinguish between malicious probing for weakness and innocent misjudgment, and for the other party to distinguish between “Duncan will be fine” and “Duncan will be a bit annoyed” and “Duncan will distrust or dislike me”.
Unfortunately I think that means my takeaway is that this is a lesson that basically lives within each individual’s personal sphere and doesn’t generalize well. You can master the art of living with your own loved ones but probably not master living with everyone. You can say “the world will be better if we all get better at navigating this illegible territory,” and you’re right, but the how and when is left as an exercise for the reader.