Strong upvote for this comment, which contains imo very useful insight.
We may not even realise where our boundaries lie until someone violates it.
This is a crucial point; people are often wrong about what they will be okay with, when they make their predictions in advance. I’m not at all in BDSM culture, but one thing that I’ve learned from people who are, and ported over to my own philosophy, is awareness of the following dynamic:
Person A offers Person B a specific experience (e.g. “I will do X, Y, and Z.”)
Person B misunderstands Person A as offering them a good experience (e.g. “I will do X, Y, and Z [and you will like it].”)
The experience turns out to be unenjoyable
Person B feels betrayed or lied-to by Person A, and (understandably) reacts with anger or other strong negative emotion
Person A feels wrongly accused by Person B, and (understandably) reacts with confusion and hurt and possibly goes on the counterattack themselves
… all of which is circumvented if people can get on the level of “Okay, I’m going to try this experience because I expect it to be good, and also I expect I’ve got the resources to handle my own reactions if I’m wrong about that, and also I expect I’ve got the external support to handle things if I’m wrong about that. But either way, it won’t be anybody else’s ‘fault’.”
The list doesn’t ensure I never violate other people’s boundaries; it makes it safer for me to explore.
Strong upvote for this comment, which contains imo very useful insight.
This is a crucial point; people are often wrong about what they will be okay with, when they make their predictions in advance. I’m not at all in BDSM culture, but one thing that I’ve learned from people who are, and ported over to my own philosophy, is awareness of the following dynamic:
Person A offers Person B a specific experience (e.g. “I will do X, Y, and Z.”)
Person B misunderstands Person A as offering them a good experience (e.g. “I will do X, Y, and Z [and you will like it].”)
The experience turns out to be unenjoyable
Person B feels betrayed or lied-to by Person A, and (understandably) reacts with anger or other strong negative emotion
Person A feels wrongly accused by Person B, and (understandably) reacts with confusion and hurt and possibly goes on the counterattack themselves
… all of which is circumvented if people can get on the level of “Okay, I’m going to try this experience because I expect it to be good, and also I expect I’ve got the resources to handle my own reactions if I’m wrong about that, and also I expect I’ve got the external support to handle things if I’m wrong about that. But either way, it won’t be anybody else’s ‘fault’.”
This feels, to me, like the key.