This is a fact about you, not about “should”. If “should” is part of the world, you shouldn’t remove it from your map just because you find other people frustrating.
It’s not about having conveniently blank maps. It’s about having more precise maps.
I realize that you won’t be able to see this as obviously true, but I want you to at least understand what my claim is: after fleshing out the map with specific details, your emotional approach to the problem changes and you become aware of new possible actions without removing any old actions from your list of options—and without changing your preferences. Additionally, the majority of the time this happens, “shoulding” is no longer the best choice available.
One common, often effective strategy is to tell people they should do the thing.
Sometimes, sure. I still use the word like that sometimes, but I try to stay aware that it’s short hand for “you’d get more of what you want if you do”/”I and others will shame you if you don’t”. It’s just that so often that’s not enough.
The correct response to meeting a child murderer is “No, Stop! You should not do that!”, not “Please explain why you are killing that child.” (also physical force)
And this is a good example. “Correct” responses oughtta get good results; what result do you anticipate? Surely not “Oh, sorry. didn’t realize… I’ll stop now”. It sure feels appropriate to ‘should’ here, but that’s a quirk of your psychology that focuses you on one action to the exclusion of others.
Personally, I wouldn’t “should” a murderer any more than I’d “should” a paperclip maximizer. I’d use force, threats of force and maybe even calculated persuasion. Funny enough, were I to attempt to therapy a child murderer (and bold claim here—I think I could do it), I’d start with “so why do ya kill kids?”
Mostly, the result I anticipate from “should”ing a norm-violator is that other members of my tribe in the vicinity will be marginally more likely to back me up and enforce the tribal norms I’ve invoked by “should”ing. That is, it’s a political act that exerts social pressure. (Among the tribal members who might be affected by this is the norm-violator themselves.)
Alternative formulas like “you’ll get more of what you want if you don’t do that!” or “I prefer you not do that!” or “I and others will shame you if you do that!” don’t seem to work as well for this purpose.
But of course you’re correct that some norm-violators don’t respond to that at all, and that some norm-violations (e.g. murder) are sufficiently problematic that we prefer the violator be physically prevented from continuing the violation.
It’s not about having conveniently blank maps. It’s about having more precise maps.
I realize that you won’t be able to see this as obviously true, but I want you to at least understand what my claim is: after fleshing out the map with specific details, your emotional approach to the problem changes and you become aware of new possible actions without removing any old actions from your list of options—and without changing your preferences. Additionally, the majority of the time this happens, “shoulding” is no longer the best choice available.
Sometimes, sure. I still use the word like that sometimes, but I try to stay aware that it’s short hand for “you’d get more of what you want if you do”/”I and others will shame you if you don’t”. It’s just that so often that’s not enough.
And this is a good example. “Correct” responses oughtta get good results; what result do you anticipate? Surely not “Oh, sorry. didn’t realize… I’ll stop now”. It sure feels appropriate to ‘should’ here, but that’s a quirk of your psychology that focuses you on one action to the exclusion of others.
Personally, I wouldn’t “should” a murderer any more than I’d “should” a paperclip maximizer. I’d use force, threats of force and maybe even calculated persuasion. Funny enough, were I to attempt to therapy a child murderer (and bold claim here—I think I could do it), I’d start with “so why do ya kill kids?”
Mostly, the result I anticipate from “should”ing a norm-violator is that other members of my tribe in the vicinity will be marginally more likely to back me up and enforce the tribal norms I’ve invoked by “should”ing. That is, it’s a political act that exerts social pressure. (Among the tribal members who might be affected by this is the norm-violator themselves.)
Alternative formulas like “you’ll get more of what you want if you don’t do that!” or “I prefer you not do that!” or “I and others will shame you if you do that!” don’t seem to work as well for this purpose.
But of course you’re correct that some norm-violators don’t respond to that at all, and that some norm-violations (e.g. murder) are sufficiently problematic that we prefer the violator be physically prevented from continuing the violation.