If more geeks could come across as “exciting badboys, or masculine and high socially-skilled” then women who are subconsciously attracted to that type could actually wind up with someone intelligent and decent, instead of the usual jerks. You’re raising the average quality level of the socially successful man.
That’s exactly what I was trying to get at.
You can get better at attracting women, and that’s great, but women are free to reject you.
Aside from hyperbolic marketing materials, what would make us think that PUAs believe that they are “guaranteed” success with women? What makes us think that they resist the notion that women are free to reject them?
Actually, by joining the seduction community, PUAs demonstrate a recognition that success with women is not guaranteed, and that they will only achieve it with a lot of work figuring out how to satisfy women’s criteria.
PUAs call getting obsessed about any one particular woman “one-itis,” which is one of the cardinal sins of pickup.
To understand the attitude that PUAs have towards rejection and towards the validity of women’s preferences, let’s take a look, not at the words of PUAs, but at the words of a man criticizing PUAs:
The seduction community has two major flaws: The first flaw is that it teaches you the very contradictory message that you have to learn to be masculine and be your own man while catering to women and their actions. So no matter what she does, it’s up to you to calibrate it for best effect. If she wants cocky and funny you better be cocky and funny. If she wants an asshole you better be that too. If she wants entertainment and you aren’t entertaining then she will move on to the next guy who is.
The second flaw is that the seduction community never or rarely addresses those things that women are doing wrong. It’s like a child who throws a tantrum and instead of disciplining him or her you take the position that you have to find out what it is they want and give it to them. There’s this intense fear that if you call out women on their misbehaviour you are a chump or weak or unable to take it like a man. So rather than do that many guys prefer to just take the “spoil the child” approach to getting laid. Game is basically a coping strategy for women’s rotten behaviour. If a woman has attitude and is unresponsive god forbid you tell her to open up. It’s your job to figure out what buttons to push.
[...]
• A woman can’t take responsibility for her actions and flakes on you — The PUA interpretation: You didn’t do enough to attract her.
• A woman is with friends who regularly cockblock — The PUA interpretation: You have to win the friends over (never mind what she thinks). So learn group theory.
• A woman loses interest soon after talking to you — The PUA interpretation: You didn’t stimulate her enough.
Basically, this writer recognizes and bashes PUAs for having an attitude towards women that “the customer is always right.” Whenever you get rejected, you go back to the drawing board and try to figure out what you could have done differently. This attitude can be grueling on oneself… but it wins.
There are a few particular tactics in the seduction community that I do worry about pressuring women sexually. PUAs will sometimes persist through some forms of ambiguous resistance, or “token” resistance. For example, if a woman and a PUA are making out, and she says “we should stop soon” while continuing to vigorously make out, then the PUA will probably keep going until he gets a less ambiguous rejection. Similarly, if a woman says “we shouldn’t do this” and then starts unbuttoning his shirt, the PUA will listen to her hands, not her words. If a woman does give an obvious “no,” then the PUA might try initiating the same activity later if he has reason to believe she may have changed her mind.
I’m not quite sold on some of the ways that PUAs initiate with women who are conflicted about sex, yet even in these cases, PUAs will keep going not because they feel “entitled,” but because they believe that the women involved will want them to keep going.
Just like everywhere else, PUAs are trying to fulfill what they perceive as the majority preferences of women, which may end marginalizing women with less-typical preferences. Unfortunately, it’s a society-wide problem that many mainstream straight women seem to have trouble engaging in explicit verbal communication about sexuality and consent, which creates an incentive on men to make guesses, guesses which are sometimes wrong. More on that here.
While the attitude towards consent in the seduction community does leave some things to be desired, I don’t think it’s actually very far from the attitudes toward consent in the general culture, held by both men and women. It’s another case where we bash the seduction community for merely verbalizing and copying what everyone else is already doing.
The rationality of negotiation over consent would be a great subject for discussion sometime.
For the most part, PUAs believe that they are fulfilling women’s preferences, even though their measurement of women’s preferences may sometimes be incorrect or biased (such as when assessing women who are experiencing conflict over their preferences). For the most part, PUAs butt out when they believe they have received an unambiguous rejection, and then try to examine where they “messed up.”
Viliam’s response brought my attention to this quote-of-a-quote. It struck me as massively ill-conceived.
The second flaw is that the seduction community never or rarely addresses those things that women are doing wrong. It’s like a child who throws a tantrum and instead of disciplining him or her you take the position that you have to find out what it is they want and give it to them.
This is just entirely backwards. The lessons on discipline—both academic and practical—that I learned during my training and brief career as a teacher have significant overlap with those of PUA. Taking actions in response to those of others that make it clear what behaviours they can get away with with you is an instrumental necessity with people in general.
Is the critic’s complaint that the interaction is framed as ‘pressing buttons that have a desired influence on future behaviour’ rather than ‘make a moral judgement and punish those whose behavior does not match your ideals’?
• A woman is with friends who regularly cockblock — The PUA interpretation: You have to win the friends over (never mind what she thinks). So learn group theory.
I thought about the mathematical sense of “group theory” first. I clearly need a break. (Well, I am taking one right now.)
The criticism is essentially correct, but needs to be put in more context.
catering to women and their actions. So no matter what she does, it’s up to you to calibrate it for best effect. If she wants cocky and funny you better be cocky and funny. If she wants an asshole you better be that too. If she wants entertainment and you aren’t entertaining then she will move on to the next guy who is.
And how whould this differ from supplicating, which many non-PUAs do? The uncalibrated version is: “If she wants cocky and funny, you provide gifts and submissivity. If she wants entertainment, you provide gifts and submissivity. Later she moves on to the next guy, and you never understand why.” I don’t see how catering to woman’s needs could be worse than supplicating. At least, being cocky and funny, entertaining, et cetera teaches you some useful social skills, improves other aspects of your life, and perhaps there is a chance you will enjoy it.
In any voluntary relationship you have to be somehow compatible with the other person’s expectation. It is a question of limits—how much change is acceptable for you, and when you decide that the cost is too high. Just as non-PUA may decide to value his own dignity higher than maintaining relationship at any costs, so may decide a PUA. And the PUA would probably be in a better bargaining position.
The second flaw is that the seduction community never or rarely addresses those things that women are doing wrong. It’s like a child who throws a tantrum and instead of disciplining him or her you take the position that you have to find out what it is they want and give it to them.
This applies to dealing with fellow humans in general. How many imperfect people do you know? How often do you remind them of their percieved mistakes? How soon in your relationship you start doing it? Do they like it? I guess if an average human hates to be judged by strangers, it is probably not a good seduction strategy. (Exceptions exist: see “negs”.) Just as it would be a bad business strategy, etc. Would you “discipline” your business partners, or would you try to find a “win/win” solution?
That’s exactly what I was trying to get at.
Aside from hyperbolic marketing materials, what would make us think that PUAs believe that they are “guaranteed” success with women? What makes us think that they resist the notion that women are free to reject them?
Actually, by joining the seduction community, PUAs demonstrate a recognition that success with women is not guaranteed, and that they will only achieve it with a lot of work figuring out how to satisfy women’s criteria.
PUAs call getting obsessed about any one particular woman “one-itis,” which is one of the cardinal sins of pickup.
To understand the attitude that PUAs have towards rejection and towards the validity of women’s preferences, let’s take a look, not at the words of PUAs, but at the words of a man criticizing PUAs:
[...]
Basically, this writer recognizes and bashes PUAs for having an attitude towards women that “the customer is always right.” Whenever you get rejected, you go back to the drawing board and try to figure out what you could have done differently. This attitude can be grueling on oneself… but it wins.
There are a few particular tactics in the seduction community that I do worry about pressuring women sexually. PUAs will sometimes persist through some forms of ambiguous resistance, or “token” resistance. For example, if a woman and a PUA are making out, and she says “we should stop soon” while continuing to vigorously make out, then the PUA will probably keep going until he gets a less ambiguous rejection. Similarly, if a woman says “we shouldn’t do this” and then starts unbuttoning his shirt, the PUA will listen to her hands, not her words. If a woman does give an obvious “no,” then the PUA might try initiating the same activity later if he has reason to believe she may have changed her mind.
I’m not quite sold on some of the ways that PUAs initiate with women who are conflicted about sex, yet even in these cases, PUAs will keep going not because they feel “entitled,” but because they believe that the women involved will want them to keep going.
Just like everywhere else, PUAs are trying to fulfill what they perceive as the majority preferences of women, which may end marginalizing women with less-typical preferences. Unfortunately, it’s a society-wide problem that many mainstream straight women seem to have trouble engaging in explicit verbal communication about sexuality and consent, which creates an incentive on men to make guesses, guesses which are sometimes wrong. More on that here.
While the attitude towards consent in the seduction community does leave some things to be desired, I don’t think it’s actually very far from the attitudes toward consent in the general culture, held by both men and women. It’s another case where we bash the seduction community for merely verbalizing and copying what everyone else is already doing.
The rationality of negotiation over consent would be a great subject for discussion sometime.
For the most part, PUAs believe that they are fulfilling women’s preferences, even though their measurement of women’s preferences may sometimes be incorrect or biased (such as when assessing women who are experiencing conflict over their preferences). For the most part, PUAs butt out when they believe they have received an unambiguous rejection, and then try to examine where they “messed up.”
Viliam’s response brought my attention to this quote-of-a-quote. It struck me as massively ill-conceived.
This is just entirely backwards. The lessons on discipline—both academic and practical—that I learned during my training and brief career as a teacher have significant overlap with those of PUA. Taking actions in response to those of others that make it clear what behaviours they can get away with with you is an instrumental necessity with people in general.
Is the critic’s complaint that the interaction is framed as ‘pressing buttons that have a desired influence on future behaviour’ rather than ‘make a moral judgement and punish those whose behavior does not match your ideals’?
I thought about the mathematical sense of “group theory” first. I clearly need a break. (Well, I am taking one right now.)
The criticism is essentially correct, but needs to be put in more context.
And how whould this differ from supplicating, which many non-PUAs do? The uncalibrated version is: “If she wants cocky and funny, you provide gifts and submissivity. If she wants entertainment, you provide gifts and submissivity. Later she moves on to the next guy, and you never understand why.” I don’t see how catering to woman’s needs could be worse than supplicating. At least, being cocky and funny, entertaining, et cetera teaches you some useful social skills, improves other aspects of your life, and perhaps there is a chance you will enjoy it.
In any voluntary relationship you have to be somehow compatible with the other person’s expectation. It is a question of limits—how much change is acceptable for you, and when you decide that the cost is too high. Just as non-PUA may decide to value his own dignity higher than maintaining relationship at any costs, so may decide a PUA. And the PUA would probably be in a better bargaining position.
This applies to dealing with fellow humans in general. How many imperfect people do you know? How often do you remind them of their percieved mistakes? How soon in your relationship you start doing it? Do they like it? I guess if an average human hates to be judged by strangers, it is probably not a good seduction strategy. (Exceptions exist: see “negs”.) Just as it would be a bad business strategy, etc. Would you “discipline” your business partners, or would you try to find a “win/win” solution?