If this is true, why aren’t they doing it? I’m not convinced that the heightening of happiness you speak of is worth the lessening of happiness that those guys evidently believe would occur were they to change themselves (or alternatively, act like someone else for as long as it takes).
lessening of happiness that those guys evidently believe would occur were they to change themselves
They greatly overestimate the lessening of happiness they would experience from changing things. Saying “changing isn’t worth it” seems like some sort of rationalization that leads people to settle for mediocrity, even from the perspective of their own values. And it’s a purely theoretical conjecture: you (general “you”) will never know until you’ve tried.
Yes, you will need some change in your self-image. But it’s not like improving your social skills, body language, voice tonality, and fashion sense is going to shatter your sense of self and turn you into a fundamentally different person. You will feel continuity with your previous version; most of your values will be the same, and some of your values will actually be served better. The only way it would be a problem is for people who have very brittle self-images, like “I don’t talk to people at parties.” Why the hell not?
Of course, it’s difficult for people who hold a value against changing their behavior to fit other people’s criteria and expectations. For people with this value, I would ask: is it more important than some of your other values and goals?
So many introverts have been duped with platitudes like “you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone.” Yet the entire nature of social interaction involves people adjusting to fit the expectations of others (see impression management. Many introverts and nerdy people huff and puff and say “well, IDONTLIKETHATANDITSSTUPID.” But I’m not sure whether social interaction works is inherently so bad, or whether it is merely unintuitive given some of the personality traits and socialization of introverted and nerdy people.
The goal of self-identity should not be trying to avoid having to make any changes or adjustments for others; the goal should be to reconcile one’s desire for identity and individuality with the adjustments one makes in the social landscape.
Might be useful to explain the compromises necessary in terms of computer security. Somebody wants to know something about your hardware specs, so they ask you to run the performance benchmark app “look like a tough guy” and send them the outputs. They’re a lot less interested in whatever other benchmarks you might have, because of the whole apples-to-oranges thing. You’re worried that it’s malware, so, run it in ring 3 where it can’t touch the critical processes. You’re running “don’t talk to people at parties” in ring 0? That sounds like a fairly serious problem in and of itself, of which conflicts with the benchmark app are just one symptom.
I have a strong negative reaction to much of your argument, but I’m not sure why, so I’m going to hold off on a response to those things that I’m unsure about. However,
Yet the entire nature of social interaction involves people adjusting to fit the expectations of others
I would say that some things we do socially involve this, and others do not. For example, it seems unlikely that you believe the point of your comment in reply to me was to adjust yourself to my expectations, or the expectations of others here, and yet we are interacting socially.
I have a strong negative reaction to much of your argument, but I’m not sure why, so I’m going to hold off on a response to those things that I’m unsure about.
When you’re ready to articulate it, I would be interested to hear it. I didn’t phrase my comment to be maximally persuasive to the particular people who needed it; I aimed it at a more general LW audience.
For more about where I am coming from, also see this essay on shallowness.
I would say that some things we do socially involve this, and others do not.
Yes, that’s what I was getting at. I mean that social interaction is impossible without some level of conforming.
Because the necessary information is difficult to obtain in a clear and convincing form, and it’s drowned in a vast sea of nonsense that’s produced on this subject by just about every source of information in the modern society. Therefore, a great many people are unaware of the problem, or even actively misled about it due to the prevailing hypocritical norms for discussing the subject.
If this is true, why aren’t they doing it? I’m not convinced that the heightening of happiness you speak of is worth the lessening of happiness that those guys evidently believe would occur were they to change themselves (or alternatively, act like someone else for as long as it takes).
They greatly overestimate the lessening of happiness they would experience from changing things. Saying “changing isn’t worth it” seems like some sort of rationalization that leads people to settle for mediocrity, even from the perspective of their own values. And it’s a purely theoretical conjecture: you (general “you”) will never know until you’ve tried.
Yes, you will need some change in your self-image. But it’s not like improving your social skills, body language, voice tonality, and fashion sense is going to shatter your sense of self and turn you into a fundamentally different person. You will feel continuity with your previous version; most of your values will be the same, and some of your values will actually be served better. The only way it would be a problem is for people who have very brittle self-images, like “I don’t talk to people at parties.” Why the hell not?
Of course, it’s difficult for people who hold a value against changing their behavior to fit other people’s criteria and expectations. For people with this value, I would ask: is it more important than some of your other values and goals?
So many introverts have been duped with platitudes like “you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone.” Yet the entire nature of social interaction involves people adjusting to fit the expectations of others (see impression management. Many introverts and nerdy people huff and puff and say “well, IDONTLIKETHATANDITSSTUPID.” But I’m not sure whether social interaction works is inherently so bad, or whether it is merely unintuitive given some of the personality traits and socialization of introverted and nerdy people.
The goal of self-identity should not be trying to avoid having to make any changes or adjustments for others; the goal should be to reconcile one’s desire for identity and individuality with the adjustments one makes in the social landscape.
Might be useful to explain the compromises necessary in terms of computer security. Somebody wants to know something about your hardware specs, so they ask you to run the performance benchmark app “look like a tough guy” and send them the outputs. They’re a lot less interested in whatever other benchmarks you might have, because of the whole apples-to-oranges thing. You’re worried that it’s malware, so, run it in ring 3 where it can’t touch the critical processes. You’re running “don’t talk to people at parties” in ring 0? That sounds like a fairly serious problem in and of itself, of which conflicts with the benchmark app are just one symptom.
You mean, try on roles as a way of practicing them, while protecting them from “ring 0” (your “true self”)?
Practicing them, yes, but also more directly as part of cooperating with established communication standards.
I have a strong negative reaction to much of your argument, but I’m not sure why, so I’m going to hold off on a response to those things that I’m unsure about. However,
I would say that some things we do socially involve this, and others do not. For example, it seems unlikely that you believe the point of your comment in reply to me was to adjust yourself to my expectations, or the expectations of others here, and yet we are interacting socially.
When you’re ready to articulate it, I would be interested to hear it. I didn’t phrase my comment to be maximally persuasive to the particular people who needed it; I aimed it at a more general LW audience.
For more about where I am coming from, also see this essay on shallowness.
Yes, that’s what I was getting at. I mean that social interaction is impossible without some level of conforming.
randallsquared:
Because the necessary information is difficult to obtain in a clear and convincing form, and it’s drowned in a vast sea of nonsense that’s produced on this subject by just about every source of information in the modern society. Therefore, a great many people are unaware of the problem, or even actively misled about it due to the prevailing hypocritical norms for discussing the subject.