The standard technique is “put yourself in their shoes,” which works for me. However, this doesn’t always work with people completely different from myself, because I can’t imagine reacting the way they are.
My impression is that virtually all of empathy comes down to refining precisely this skill. I suspect that when we find there’s someone whose perspective we cannot understand, we’re encountering a limitation to our empathic strength just like our inability to lift a heavy weight indicates a limitation in our physical strength.
I think How to Win Friends and Influence People is fantastic in this regard. Carnegie’s thesis is that all people have a deep desire to feel important, and giving them that feeling is to everyone’s benefit.
Another resource I’ve found helpful is An Open Heart by the Dalai Lama. The farther you go into the book, the weirder it gets, concluding (if I recall correctly) with a description of how praying to infinitely many Buddhas from infinitely many parallel universes will help you in your pursuit of enlightenment. But before it gets really alien and weird with its Mahayana cosmology, it’s really quite a pragmatic guide to becoming happier and more empathic through the cultivation of compassion.
I’ve personally gotten a great deal out of the Riso/Hudson system for the Enneagram. It describes nine personality types in a way that many people find insanely insightful (and in a falsifiable way, I should add). One of the most dramatic insights I got from working with this system was just how incredibly different other people really are, and in what ways. This helps a huge amount with understanding others’ reactions when they’re so completely alien to our own motivations. The main problem with the Enneagram is that it has a huge learning curve; usually certain people leap to mind as you read the detail descriptions of certain types, and one type in particular tends to give the reader an “I’ve been caught” sort of feeling, but to get more detailed insight than that into the types usually takes a long time—and trying really hard to get through that learning curve quickly can actually make it take longer for many people (and, I would predict, especially for the Ennea-type that tends to be attracted to Less Wrong).
But in my entirely non-expert opinion, I think pretty much all of developing empathy comes down to:
(1) recognizing that what others do is always sensible to them and
(2) being sincerely interested in the way in which what they’re doing is sensible to them.
I would just add that it’s really important that this be done in a non-judging way. It’s fine to decide that others are daft and reject the reasoning they use to see some behavior or belief or what-not as sensible, but that doesn’t help you at all to understand the world as they experience it. Really understanding others’ perspectives requires being open to seeing the world that way, even if you later reject that vision when no longer donning it.
Disclaimer: The above is based on my personal experiences plus a general impression I’ve gotten from various research articles I’ve read. The fact that this has been working nicely for me has put my “seek out biases in this area” to-do pretty low on my priority list. I could be completely off my rocker here. If so, please let me know!
I can see where you think that. When I’m being akrasic, though, I’m still doing it for some reason. I’m motivated to do what I’m doing for some reason, not for no reason. For instance, someone who is akrasic about getting their bills paid isn’t just insane; they have an aversion and get some slight relief from distracting themselves with non-bill activities. Understanding that in first-person near-mode (rather than just seeing them as a machine to be trouble-shot) seems to help a lot with empathy. In my experience!
My impression is that virtually all of empathy comes down to refining precisely this skill. I suspect that when we find there’s someone whose perspective we cannot understand, we’re encountering a limitation to our empathic strength just like our inability to lift a heavy weight indicates a limitation in our physical strength.
I think How to Win Friends and Influence People is fantastic in this regard. Carnegie’s thesis is that all people have a deep desire to feel important, and giving them that feeling is to everyone’s benefit.
Another resource I’ve found helpful is An Open Heart by the Dalai Lama. The farther you go into the book, the weirder it gets, concluding (if I recall correctly) with a description of how praying to infinitely many Buddhas from infinitely many parallel universes will help you in your pursuit of enlightenment. But before it gets really alien and weird with its Mahayana cosmology, it’s really quite a pragmatic guide to becoming happier and more empathic through the cultivation of compassion.
I’ve personally gotten a great deal out of the Riso/Hudson system for the Enneagram. It describes nine personality types in a way that many people find insanely insightful (and in a falsifiable way, I should add). One of the most dramatic insights I got from working with this system was just how incredibly different other people really are, and in what ways. This helps a huge amount with understanding others’ reactions when they’re so completely alien to our own motivations. The main problem with the Enneagram is that it has a huge learning curve; usually certain people leap to mind as you read the detail descriptions of certain types, and one type in particular tends to give the reader an “I’ve been caught” sort of feeling, but to get more detailed insight than that into the types usually takes a long time—and trying really hard to get through that learning curve quickly can actually make it take longer for many people (and, I would predict, especially for the Ennea-type that tends to be attracted to Less Wrong).
But in my entirely non-expert opinion, I think pretty much all of developing empathy comes down to: (1) recognizing that what others do is always sensible to them and (2) being sincerely interested in the way in which what they’re doing is sensible to them. I would just add that it’s really important that this be done in a non-judging way. It’s fine to decide that others are daft and reject the reasoning they use to see some behavior or belief or what-not as sensible, but that doesn’t help you at all to understand the world as they experience it. Really understanding others’ perspectives requires being open to seeing the world that way, even if you later reject that vision when no longer donning it.
Disclaimer: The above is based on my personal experiences plus a general impression I’ve gotten from various research articles I’ve read. The fact that this has been working nicely for me has put my “seek out biases in this area” to-do pretty low on my priority list. I could be completely off my rocker here. If so, please let me know!
Not always. Recognizing akrasia in others, especially those you care about and/or depend on can be a valuable skill.
I can see where you think that. When I’m being akrasic, though, I’m still doing it for some reason. I’m motivated to do what I’m doing for some reason, not for no reason. For instance, someone who is akrasic about getting their bills paid isn’t just insane; they have an aversion and get some slight relief from distracting themselves with non-bill activities. Understanding that in first-person near-mode (rather than just seeing them as a machine to be trouble-shot) seems to help a lot with empathy. In my experience!
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