But also, it doesn’t matter whether you’re lying to them. It’s not like lying is some sin against God. The relevant thing here is, What impact are you concerned about?
It’s not like you’re deceiving your child about cause-and-effect. They hurt, you kiss to make the pain go away, and the pain often goes away. That’s quite real.
Where exactly is the problem?
In my mind, if this is “a principled exception” to some rule, then your rule needs updating. It doesn’t reflect reality. What you’re doing with your kid here is obviously fine.
You’re giving up an opportunity to play with developing their capacity to orient to intensity!
It’s not that kissing it better is not okay or something, but there’s an opportunity for useful fun, and the rule of “be very suspicious of saying things that look false” can help point you in the direction to find it.
I have a principled stance against lying. It’s been several years since the last time I did something that I consider probably-lying; that thing was hastily answering “yes” to the mother of a friend when she asked whether I enjoyed the play her daughter was in (when the truth was “I enjoyed some parts of it, but overall it was kind of meh”); I then partly corrected myself, but then I think she asked, “Well, did you like it overall?” and I think I gave a strained “yes”, when “Hmm, I would have to think about it” [it is a tough call whether I liked-more-than-disliked it] was correct; I remain disappointed with my behavior. Anyway, that is the standard I hold myself to.
I hold myself to this standard so that I am the sort of person for whom lying is just not thinkable, and who has zero practice at doing it. (Which hopefully means I’d suck at it if I tried, which means I won’t be tempted to do it, and I’ll remain in this state. (I’m amused to note that “failing to develop social skills” has been described with similar mechanics.)) Among other reasons, this is particularly valuable to me because I’m unusual in lots of ways, which means that, compared to the average person, I make implausible-seeming statements more frequently, so I have a stronger need for something that would make me credible. I suspect it’s to some extent possible for people to recognize “a person for whom lying is abhorrent and Not Done”—I think I’ve occasionally perceived this in others—and I hope to benefit from that. I have been told a few times, by someone who knew my honesty policy, that it was valuable that they could believe a comforting statement which others in my position might have made falsely.
(Yes, there are dangers. One group of dangers is: deceiving myself, making misleading but not technically false statements, and passing on uncertain information without certainty tags. Another group of dangers is saying true things with unnecessarily inflammatory phrasing, or saying more than I mean to or need to. Also, games like Mafia and The Resistance don’t work well for me.)
I don’t know about Yair, but at least for me, the problem with choosing to lie is that it destroys the above edifice. To me, “I have a huge aversion to lying in any circumstance, for any reason” is a coherent stance, a Schelling fence; and adding exceptions makes it much less plausible.
That said, I don’t think this situation is lying. More here.
If they think it is lying and have good reasons not to lie, they shouldn’t do it. Also, if they are uncertain, they signal that uncertainty, and the kid might pick it up. It depends on the larger parenting strategy: I think you can talk with small kids about what powers you do or do not have and make it an explicit game to solve.
I agree with others that it’s not really lying.
But also, it doesn’t matter whether you’re lying to them. It’s not like lying is some sin against God. The relevant thing here is, What impact are you concerned about?
It’s not like you’re deceiving your child about cause-and-effect. They hurt, you kiss to make the pain go away, and the pain often goes away. That’s quite real.
Where exactly is the problem?
In my mind, if this is “a principled exception” to some rule, then your rule needs updating. It doesn’t reflect reality. What you’re doing with your kid here is obviously fine.
You’re giving up an opportunity to play with developing their capacity to orient to intensity!
It’s not that kissing it better is not okay or something, but there’s an opportunity for useful fun, and the rule of “be very suspicious of saying things that look false” can help point you in the direction to find it.
I have a principled stance against lying. It’s been several years since the last time I did something that I consider probably-lying; that thing was hastily answering “yes” to the mother of a friend when she asked whether I enjoyed the play her daughter was in (when the truth was “I enjoyed some parts of it, but overall it was kind of meh”); I then partly corrected myself, but then I think she asked, “Well, did you like it overall?” and I think I gave a strained “yes”, when “Hmm, I would have to think about it” [it is a tough call whether I liked-more-than-disliked it] was correct; I remain disappointed with my behavior. Anyway, that is the standard I hold myself to.
I hold myself to this standard so that I am the sort of person for whom lying is just not thinkable, and who has zero practice at doing it. (Which hopefully means I’d suck at it if I tried, which means I won’t be tempted to do it, and I’ll remain in this state. (I’m amused to note that “failing to develop social skills” has been described with similar mechanics.)) Among other reasons, this is particularly valuable to me because I’m unusual in lots of ways, which means that, compared to the average person, I make implausible-seeming statements more frequently, so I have a stronger need for something that would make me credible. I suspect it’s to some extent possible for people to recognize “a person for whom lying is abhorrent and Not Done”—I think I’ve occasionally perceived this in others—and I hope to benefit from that. I have been told a few times, by someone who knew my honesty policy, that it was valuable that they could believe a comforting statement which others in my position might have made falsely.
(Yes, there are dangers. One group of dangers is: deceiving myself, making misleading but not technically false statements, and passing on uncertain information without certainty tags. Another group of dangers is saying true things with unnecessarily inflammatory phrasing, or saying more than I mean to or need to. Also, games like Mafia and The Resistance don’t work well for me.)
I don’t know about Yair, but at least for me, the problem with choosing to lie is that it destroys the above edifice. To me, “I have a huge aversion to lying in any circumstance, for any reason” is a coherent stance, a Schelling fence; and adding exceptions makes it much less plausible.
That said, I don’t think this situation is lying. More here.
If they think it is lying and have good reasons not to lie, they shouldn’t do it. Also, if they are uncertain, they signal that uncertainty, and the kid might pick it up. It depends on the larger parenting strategy: I think you can talk with small kids about what powers you do or do not have and make it an explicit game to solve.
It is exactly like that.
If God (the Christian one) does not exist, nothing can be a sin against God. If He does, it is.
Lying is always a sin against the mind, both your own and that of the person you’re lying to.