Thinking that “caring” is thinking for another person
This is when I constantly remind Sveta to grab a robe or do some household chores. The problem is that Sveta already remembers to do them, and my reminders only annoy her, not help her.
It’s like imperative programming, where you describe how to do each step (vs. declarative programming, where you describe what to do). It’s also like spoon-feeding a baby with its own hand. It’s also like hyper-parenting when you take your kid to the hospital even when he’s a teenager, or when you decide for him where he goes to school, or when you don’t give him any homework at all—in general, when you relieve him of responsibility.
Believing that it’s only me who’s having a hard time
This is a cognitive error that I’ve been crashing against my entire life. I’m only now, at almost 30 years old, just beginning to realize that all people have to overcome their reluctance to do a job or solve some problem.
It’s still very hard for me to realize this because I still hear time and time again from respected people that they “love” their work:
They see it as meaningful—it’s a kind of global goal, for example, to increase the intelligence of as many people as possible so that it will noticeably improve the quality of life of as many people as possible, and thus create a culture, an environment that self-reinforces such an increase in intelligence and, as a consequence, in the quality of life. There are such people in my environment and they are passionate about what they do. How can I believe they have to rape themselves the way I do?
They’re interested self in solving the problems that make up their work: some are interested in how they can “screw up”, others are interested in how they can “solve/manage”. They are driven by the gasp of problem solving and the excitement of creating more complex systems: for example, not just making dinner, but making it with healthy and wholesome ingredients, and adding more different flavors for a new gastronomic experience.
I really don’t have much luck believing that people like that have it as hard as I do. I think they have some other, more mature “complexity”—not like me. I have a “difficulty” in making myself do something, while their “difficulty” is in solving the problem in the best way possible, as soon as possible. They don’t force themselves, that stage is already passed for them—it’s a problem they learned to solve long ago, not to face it.
Believing that all other people know better than I do—thereby easily abandoning any idea of mine in favor of someone else’s idea
This is a consequence of my hyper-parenting upbringing. I automatically, from System 1, chip away at the credibility of a decision I’ve made as soon as another person doubts it.
For example, a year ago I decided to apprentice as a developer. Then I watched YouTube of a developer who has been coding for 15 years purely because he likes it, for himself, and he said: “Don’t do programming if you don’t enjoy it”. And I don’t “enjoy” it! So after his words I feel sharply that I don’t need to come here, that programming is not my thing, I wasted a year and a lot of money and effort.
Think that the problem will disappear if you don’t notice it / if you actively “take your eyes off it”
For example, if you stay up late at the computer, you don’t look at the clock on purpose to “fool” yourself—“if I can’t see the time, I can go to bed at whatever time I want, and wake up at my usual time and sleep”.
3. Blind spots, cognitive errors
Thinking that “caring” is thinking for another person
This is when I constantly remind Sveta to grab a robe or do some household chores. The problem is that Sveta already remembers to do them, and my reminders only annoy her, not help her.
It’s like imperative programming, where you describe how to do each step (vs. declarative programming, where you describe what to do).
It’s also like spoon-feeding a baby with its own hand.
It’s also like hyper-parenting when you take your kid to the hospital even when he’s a teenager, or when you decide for him where he goes to school, or when you don’t give him any homework at all—in general, when you relieve him of responsibility.
Believing that it’s only me who’s having a hard time
This is a cognitive error that I’ve been crashing against my entire life. I’m only now, at almost 30 years old, just beginning to realize that all people have to overcome their reluctance to do a job or solve some problem.
It’s still very hard for me to realize this because I still hear time and time again from respected people that they “love” their work:
They see it as meaningful—it’s a kind of global goal, for example, to increase the intelligence of as many people as possible so that it will noticeably improve the quality of life of as many people as possible, and thus create a culture, an environment that self-reinforces such an increase in intelligence and, as a consequence, in the quality of life. There are such people in my environment and they are passionate about what they do. How can I believe they have to rape themselves the way I do?
They’re interested self in solving the problems that make up their work: some are interested in how they can “screw up”, others are interested in how they can “solve/manage”. They are driven by the gasp of problem solving and the excitement of creating more complex systems: for example, not just making dinner, but making it with healthy and wholesome ingredients, and adding more different flavors for a new gastronomic experience.
I really don’t have much luck believing that people like that have it as hard as I do. I think they have some other, more mature “complexity”—not like me. I have a “difficulty” in making myself do something, while their “difficulty” is in solving the problem in the best way possible, as soon as possible. They don’t force themselves, that stage is already passed for them—it’s a problem they learned to solve long ago, not to face it.
Believing that all other people know better than I do—thereby easily abandoning any idea of mine in favor of someone else’s idea
This is a consequence of my hyper-parenting upbringing. I automatically, from System 1, chip away at the credibility of a decision I’ve made as soon as another person doubts it.
For example, a year ago I decided to apprentice as a developer. Then I watched YouTube of a developer who has been coding for 15 years purely because he likes it, for himself, and he said: “Don’t do programming if you don’t enjoy it”. And I don’t “enjoy” it! So after his words I feel sharply that I don’t need to come here, that programming is not my thing, I wasted a year and a lot of money and effort.
Think that the problem will disappear if you don’t notice it / if you actively “take your eyes off it”
For example, if you stay up late at the computer, you don’t look at the clock on purpose to “fool” yourself—“if I can’t see the time, I can go to bed at whatever time I want, and wake up at my usual time and sleep”.