Firstly I think that ” ’s ” is a grammar mistake and it should just read ”...or until my [spouse] breaks...” instead.
You’re right, thanks!
Allowing yourself to cancel following your vows because your spouse willfully stopped following theirs is a little dangerous. It leads to situations where you might rather justify your own breach of the vows by pointing to their breach instead of trying to make things right.
I agree that it’s a possible failure mode, but the alternative seems worse? Suppose that my spouse starts completely disregarding the vows and breaking them egregiously. Do you really think I should still follow my own vows to the letter?
Yes I do think you should follow your vows to the letter even if your spouse is breaking them egregiously. I have strong feelings about this, but I’m not sure if I have a good explanation as to why. Its my general feeling that you really shouldn’t be able to consider any sort of exit plan for a marriage. Of course you definitely do need an exit plan, but it shouldn’t be something that you’re aware of until it’s necessary.
A marriage is different from a typical mutually beneficial contract. A marriage should partially realign the husband and wife’s utility functions such that expected utility for one spouse counts for substantial expected utility to the other spouse. So unless your spouse is behaving so egregiously that you’re losing enough expected utility from the marriage to put you below your disagreement point, violating your vows shouldn’t come into play. But of course at that point you would be considering divorce anyway if you thought the situation couldn’t be fixed while you remain in the marriage. I think that’s the crux of it for me: if you don’t have breaking your vows or divorce on the table you’ll really try to fix whatever issues you have in the marriage (if there are issues) before you have to go nuclear.
As I’ve said I don’t quite understand my own position in a straightforward sense so don’t give it too much weight. I’m not sure if my explanation for why is really rational or just a rationalization.
You’re right, thanks!
I agree that it’s a possible failure mode, but the alternative seems worse? Suppose that my spouse starts completely disregarding the vows and breaking them egregiously. Do you really think I should still follow my own vows to the letter?
Yes I do think you should follow your vows to the letter even if your spouse is breaking them egregiously. I have strong feelings about this, but I’m not sure if I have a good explanation as to why. Its my general feeling that you really shouldn’t be able to consider any sort of exit plan for a marriage. Of course you definitely do need an exit plan, but it shouldn’t be something that you’re aware of until it’s necessary.
A marriage is different from a typical mutually beneficial contract. A marriage should partially realign the husband and wife’s utility functions such that expected utility for one spouse counts for substantial expected utility to the other spouse. So unless your spouse is behaving so egregiously that you’re losing enough expected utility from the marriage to put you below your disagreement point, violating your vows shouldn’t come into play. But of course at that point you would be considering divorce anyway if you thought the situation couldn’t be fixed while you remain in the marriage. I think that’s the crux of it for me: if you don’t have breaking your vows or divorce on the table you’ll really try to fix whatever issues you have in the marriage (if there are issues) before you have to go nuclear.
As I’ve said I don’t quite understand my own position in a straightforward sense so don’t give it too much weight. I’m not sure if my explanation for why is really rational or just a rationalization.
Thanks for the post and congratulations!