That is a good writing suggestion. I will take it. Thank you.
EDIT: This isn’t working when I try it:
“So,” Harry said, “you know those really simple Artificial Intelligence programs like ELIZA that are programmed to use words in syntactic English sentences only they don’t contain any understanding of what the words mean?”
“Of course,” the witch said, her expression deadpan. “I have a dozen of them in my trunk.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure my understanding of girls is somewhere around that level.”
Makes it fall a bit flat for me compared to the original. Suggested rewrite? Or is it just me?
Sometimes I use “deadpan” as a verb. “Of course,” the witch deadpanned. “I have a dozen of them. In my trunk.” (I think splitting the sentence may help.)
That is a good writing suggestion. I will take it. Thank you.
EDIT: This isn’t working when I try it:
Makes it fall a bit flat for me compared to the original. Suggested rewrite? Or is it just me?
Sometimes I use “deadpan” as a verb. “Of course,” the witch deadpanned. “I have a dozen of them. In my trunk.” (I think splitting the sentence may help.)
I tried that one too. The problem I felt while reading it is that it… breaks up the humor? Like a THIS IS A JOKE sign?
Well, if people keep getting lost on the way to the joke, a sign might be useful.
If you do rewrite it, “said sensibly” might work better than “deadpanned”.
(This revision is meant more as a suggested direction than a suggested destination.)
Just you, I think. My inner wordiness-filter is complaining that you only really need “said, deadpan,” but aside from that it reads better to me.