So I guess I’m not sure what you mean by that. I think it might be easier to support what I’m saying in the negative. Some example of inauthenticity or un-openness might be:
Consciously faking your personality (in a way that you wouldn’t want to maintain as an essentially permanent change)
Lying about what you want out of the relationship
Pretending to like/dislike hobbies or interests that you actually strongly dislike/like
The problem with doing these things is that, to the extent that doing them was necessary to gain the relationship, you are now stuck with a relationship that is built on a papered-over incompatibility. If your plan is that you will fake a completely different personality/goals/interests, then you will now be in a relationship where you have to permanently keep faking that stuff while constantly being wary that your new partner might find out you were faking plus you have to spend a lot of time and energy doing stuff and/or interacting with someone you don’t actually like, or else ending the relationship and being back at square 1, except that you’ve invested time/energy that you won’t get back. There can be toned-down good versions of this bad strategy tho, I think, which are more like “putting your best foot forward” than like “being inauthentic.”
Truth: Looking for a life partner, getting desperate Good strategy [probably depends on age, for this one]: Open to various possibilities, see how it goes. Bad strategy: Your date says they are really only looking for short term fun, and you agree that’s all you are looking for too.
Truth: A talkative person who loves debating ideas Good strategy: Tone it down a little, try to listen as much as you talk and try to “yes, and” or “that’s interesting, tell me more about what led you to that” your date’s points rather than “no but” (you can often make similar points either way) Bad strategy: Just agree with everything your date says; even if you actually have a strong opposing view
Truth: Don’t really care for hiking much Good strategy [when trying out someone who loves hiking]: “I haven’t been too into that before, tell me what you love about it? I’d be open to giving it another shot” Bad strategy: “OMG I love hiking too!”
The problem that all these bad strategies have in common is that if they are successful, you end up with something you don’t want.
So I guess I’m not sure what you mean by that. I think it might be easier to support what I’m saying in the negative. Some example of inauthenticity or un-openness might be:
Consciously faking your personality (in a way that you wouldn’t want to maintain as an essentially permanent change)
Lying about what you want out of the relationship
Pretending to like/dislike hobbies or interests that you actually strongly dislike/like
The problem with doing these things is that, to the extent that doing them was necessary to gain the relationship, you are now stuck with a relationship that is built on a papered-over incompatibility. If your plan is that you will fake a completely different personality/goals/interests, then you will now be in a relationship where you have to permanently keep faking that stuff while constantly being wary that your new partner might find out you were faking plus you have to spend a lot of time and energy doing stuff and/or interacting with someone you don’t actually like, or else ending the relationship and being back at square 1, except that you’ve invested time/energy that you won’t get back. There can be toned-down good versions of this bad strategy tho, I think, which are more like “putting your best foot forward” than like “being inauthentic.”
Truth: Looking for a life partner, getting desperate
Good strategy [probably depends on age, for this one]: Open to various possibilities, see how it goes.
Bad strategy: Your date says they are really only looking for short term fun, and you agree that’s all you are looking for too.
Truth: A talkative person who loves debating ideas
Good strategy: Tone it down a little, try to listen as much as you talk and try to “yes, and” or “that’s interesting, tell me more about what led you to that” your date’s points rather than “no but” (you can often make similar points either way)
Bad strategy: Just agree with everything your date says; even if you actually have a strong opposing view
Truth: Don’t really care for hiking much
Good strategy [when trying out someone who loves hiking]: “I haven’t been too into that before, tell me what you love about it? I’d be open to giving it another shot”
Bad strategy: “OMG I love hiking too!”
The problem that all these bad strategies have in common is that if they are successful, you end up with something you don’t want.
Ok, then I agreed. I was interpreting the advice in a different way, but your interpretation looks more reasonable.