One feature of polyamory is that it means continuous auditions of potential replacements by all parties. You are not trading up in the sense that you can have multiple partners, but one thing leads to another and there are only so many hours in the day.
Polyamory is not that different from monogamy in this respect. It’s just that in monogamy “having a relationship” is a binary: either you have it or you don’t have it. In polyamory, there is a scale, starting from “meeting once in a blue moon” all the way to “living together with kids and joint finances”. So, if in monogamy your attitude might be “I will not trade up unless I meet someone x% better”, then in polyamory your attitude might be “I will devote you y% of my time and will not reduce this number unless there’s someone x% better competing for this slot”. (And in both cases x might be very high.)
More generally, I feel that a lot of arguments against polyamory fail the “replace with platonic friendship” test. Like, monogamous people also have to somehow balance the time they invest in their relationship vs. friends vs. family vs. hobbies etc, and also have to balance the time allocated to different friends. I know that some mono people feel that sex is some kind of magic pixie dust which makes a relationship completely different and not comparable in any way to platonic friendship, but… Not everyone feels this way? (In both directions: I simultaneously consider romantic relationship comparable to “mere” platonic friendships and also consider platonic friendships substantially more important/committing than seems to be the culturally-prescribed attitude.)
Also, it feels like this discussion has a missing mood and/or a typical mind fallacy. For me, monogamy was a miserable experience. Even aside from the fact you only get to have one relationship, there’s all the weird rules about which things are “inappropriate” (see survey in the OP) and also the need to pretend that you’re not attracted to other people (Not All Mono, but I think many relationships are like that). All the “pragmatic” arguments about why polyamory is bad sound to me similar to hypothetical arguments that gay relationships are bad. I mean, there might be some aspects of gay relationships that are often worse than corresponding aspects of straight relationships. But if you’re gay, a gay relationship is still way better for you! Even if you’re bi and in some sense “have a choice”, it still seems inappropriate to try convincing you about how hetero is much better.
Warning: About to get a little ranty/emotional, sorry about that but was hard to express otherwise.
Finally, not to be that girl, but it’s a little insensitive to talk about this without the least acknowledgement that polyamory is widely stigmatized and discriminated against. I know it’s LessWrong here, we’re supposed to use decoupling norms and not contextualizing norms, and I’m usually fully in favor of that, but it still seems to me that this post would better on the margin, if it had a little in the way of acknowledging this asymmetry in the debate.
Instead, the OP talks about “encouraging widespread adaptation”. What?? I honestly don’t know, maybe in the Mythic Bay Area, someone is encouraging widespread conversion to polyamory. In the rest of the world, we only want (i) not be stigmatized (ii) not be discriminated against (iii) having some minimal awareness that polyamory is even an option (it was certainly an eye-opening discovery for me!) and (iv) otherwise, being left alone, and not have mono people endlessly explain to us how their way is so much better [My spouse tells me this last bit was too combative. Sorry about that: we are certainly allowed to have respectful discussion about the comparative advantages of different lifestyles.]
Polyamory is not that different from monogamy in this respect. It’s just that in monogamy “having a relationship” is a binary: either you have it or you don’t have it. In polyamory, there is a scale, starting from “meeting once in a blue moon” all the way to “living together with kids and joint finances”. So, if in monogamy your attitude might be “I will not trade up unless I meet someone x% better”, then in polyamory your attitude might be “I will devote you y% of my time and will not reduce this number unless there’s someone x% better competing for this slot”. (And in both cases x might be very high.)
More generally, I feel that a lot of arguments against polyamory fail the “replace with platonic friendship” test. Like, monogamous people also have to somehow balance the time they invest in their relationship vs. friends vs. family vs. hobbies etc, and also have to balance the time allocated to different friends. I know that some mono people feel that sex is some kind of magic pixie dust which makes a relationship completely different and not comparable in any way to platonic friendship, but… Not everyone feels this way? (In both directions: I simultaneously consider romantic relationship comparable to “mere” platonic friendships and also consider platonic friendships substantially more important/committing than seems to be the culturally-prescribed attitude.)
Also, it feels like this discussion has a missing mood and/or a typical mind fallacy. For me, monogamy was a miserable experience. Even aside from the fact you only get to have one relationship, there’s all the weird rules about which things are “inappropriate” (see survey in the OP) and also the need to pretend that you’re not attracted to other people (Not All Mono, but I think many relationships are like that). All the “pragmatic” arguments about why polyamory is bad sound to me similar to hypothetical arguments that gay relationships are bad. I mean, there might be some aspects of gay relationships that are often worse than corresponding aspects of straight relationships. But if you’re gay, a gay relationship is still way better for you! Even if you’re bi and in some sense “have a choice”, it still seems inappropriate to try convincing you about how hetero is much better.
Warning: About to get a little ranty/emotional, sorry about that but was hard to express otherwise.
Finally, not to be that girl, but it’s a little insensitive to talk about this without the least acknowledgement that polyamory is widely stigmatized and discriminated against. I know it’s LessWrong here, we’re supposed to use decoupling norms and not contextualizing norms, and I’m usually fully in favor of that, but it still seems to me that this post would better on the margin, if it had a little in the way of acknowledging this asymmetry in the debate.
Instead, the OP talks about “encouraging widespread adaptation”. What?? I honestly don’t know, maybe in the Mythic Bay Area, someone is encouraging widespread conversion to polyamory. In the rest of the world, we only want (i) not be stigmatized (ii) not be discriminated against (iii) having some minimal awareness that polyamory is even an option (it was certainly an eye-opening discovery for me!) and (iv) otherwise, being left alone,
and not have mono people endlessly explain to us how their way is so much better[My spouse tells me this last bit was too combative. Sorry about that: we are certainly allowed to have respectful discussion about the comparative advantages of different lifestyles.]