I wrote it as the sort of advice that I think might have been useful to me a couple years back, and to counteract the specific issue of “getting cornered to into conceding that you messed up though you don’t believe you messed up”. I think it’s good advice for people-like-past-me, but as a targeted intervention, maybe a TAP like “about to apologize for something that was not a mess-up --> don’t apologize unless you mean it”. (That is a salient trigger for me, because “I’m apologizing for something that was not a mess-up” has a distinctly different quality for me from “I’m apologizing for something I messed up”—sort of like “appeasing someone angry” vs. “asking for forgiveness”.)
It’s a bit unfortunate that English uses the words “I’m sorry” to express for what many languages have 2 distinct terms: “I apologize for messing up” and “I sympathize”.
in a conversation where someone has recently been hurt, it is often the wrong time to be coldly pedantic.
Yeah. I haven’t outright banned the words “I’m sorry” from my normal vocabulary. I will often say “I’m sorry that you’re going through this” when it’s contextually obvious that I’m not apologizing.
If someone is having a hard time caused by me, but I believe that I did not act wrongly (imagine scenarios like giving people negative feedback, breakups, defending boundaries, etc.), I avoid saying “I’m sorry”, though I might say something like “I wish you weren’t suffering” or “I understand this must hurt” or such. In these situations “I’m sorry” has the danger of being heard as “I apologize” or “I was wrong to act this way”, and it’s important to be able to stand your ground while e.g. giving people negative feedback, breaking up, defending your boundaries, etc.
I wrote it as the sort of advice that I think might have been useful to me a couple years back, and to counteract the specific issue of “getting cornered to into conceding that you messed up though you don’t believe you messed up”. I think it’s good advice for people-like-past-me, but as a targeted intervention, maybe a TAP like “about to apologize for something that was not a mess-up --> don’t apologize unless you mean it”. (That is a salient trigger for me, because “I’m apologizing for something that was not a mess-up” has a distinctly different quality for me from “I’m apologizing for something I messed up”—sort of like “appeasing someone angry” vs. “asking for forgiveness”.)
It’s a bit unfortunate that English uses the words “I’m sorry” to express for what many languages have 2 distinct terms: “I apologize for messing up” and “I sympathize”.
Yeah. I haven’t outright banned the words “I’m sorry” from my normal vocabulary. I will often say “I’m sorry that you’re going through this” when it’s contextually obvious that I’m not apologizing.
If someone is having a hard time caused by me, but I believe that I did not act wrongly (imagine scenarios like giving people negative feedback, breakups, defending boundaries, etc.), I avoid saying “I’m sorry”, though I might say something like “I wish you weren’t suffering” or “I understand this must hurt” or such. In these situations “I’m sorry” has the danger of being heard as “I apologize” or “I was wrong to act this way”, and it’s important to be able to stand your ground while e.g. giving people negative feedback, breaking up, defending your boundaries, etc.