Update. Crossposted from Facebook. Epistemic status is still ‘poetry’.
About a year ago, I was having a very hard time, and felt alone. I had reasons I didn’t want to talk to friends about it. Even if I could have, having to fully articulate everything going on at the time felt hard, and I was already stretched to my limits.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I prayed to my best-possible-future-self. My best future self already knew what I was dealing with (because he was there), and he was older and stronger and wiser than me. He couldn’t tell me what to do, but he could sit with me, and be empathetically present.
It was nice and comforting.
...
I’m currently dealing with a host things that are at least as difficult as what I was dealing with then. I’ve had to grieve several things and learn to process traumas and learn to orient in very confusing domains. I’m allocating most of my time towards making sure that I’m okay, and becoming more internally aligned with myself.
One of the things going on is that I’ve identified multiple better-future-selves, who are stronger on different axes. Epic Level Hero-Soldier Ray. Epic Level Small-Village-Priest Ray. Epic Level Solstice-Pope-Ray. Epic Level University-Administrator-Ray. They have different properties, and might or might not be mutually exclusive with each other. But, one of the things I’m doing these days is fleshing out my understanding of them, so I can put on different hats of more experienced versions of myself and ask “hey, what would you do here?”
Having to decide which of those future selves to make ‘real’ is part of what’s stressful these days.
...
Today is a bit of a lull, as I recover a bit. I considered praying to some future selves again. Less out of desperate need, more out of desire for kinship.
And I realized:
I am older, and stronger, and wiser now, than I was a year ago. I’m older and stronger and wiser enough that I feel comfortable paying back the “Future Self Prayer Debt” I set in motion.
So, I sat for a bit, and listened to my past self’s prayers. And I didn’t say anything, but I sat with him, warmly and empathetically present.
I thought about the advice I *might* have wanted to give him. It wasn’t a necessary part of the exchange, but seemed like what past-self would have wanted me to be doing. I wasn’t quite sure what advice I’d give. There are some particular lessons about grieving I’ve learned that I could hypothetically pass back if the flow of causality went that way.
I think I’m maybe another 6 months away from knowing the most directly relevant advice I could possibly have said. I tuned in with newer possible future selves about that.
But mostly, I just sat, and remembered.
And, that felt nice. I’m not even my past self’s best-possible-future self. I’m just me. And I feel good, that even in my current chaotic situation, I had the strength and calm to sit back and listen.
Update. Crossposted from Facebook. Epistemic status is still ‘poetry’.
About a year ago, I was having a very hard time, and felt alone. I had reasons I didn’t want to talk to friends about it. Even if I could have, having to fully articulate everything going on at the time felt hard, and I was already stretched to my limits.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I prayed to my best-possible-future-self. My best future self already knew what I was dealing with (because he was there), and he was older and stronger and wiser than me. He couldn’t tell me what to do, but he could sit with me, and be empathetically present.
It was nice and comforting.
...
I’m currently dealing with a host things that are at least as difficult as what I was dealing with then. I’ve had to grieve several things and learn to process traumas and learn to orient in very confusing domains. I’m allocating most of my time towards making sure that I’m okay, and becoming more internally aligned with myself.
One of the things going on is that I’ve identified multiple better-future-selves, who are stronger on different axes. Epic Level Hero-Soldier Ray. Epic Level Small-Village-Priest Ray. Epic Level Solstice-Pope-Ray. Epic Level University-Administrator-Ray. They have different properties, and might or might not be mutually exclusive with each other. But, one of the things I’m doing these days is fleshing out my understanding of them, so I can put on different hats of more experienced versions of myself and ask “hey, what would you do here?”
Having to decide which of those future selves to make ‘real’ is part of what’s stressful these days.
...
Today is a bit of a lull, as I recover a bit. I considered praying to some future selves again. Less out of desperate need, more out of desire for kinship.
And I realized:
I am older, and stronger, and wiser now, than I was a year ago. I’m older and stronger and wiser enough that I feel comfortable paying back the “Future Self Prayer Debt” I set in motion.
So, I sat for a bit, and listened to my past self’s prayers. And I didn’t say anything, but I sat with him, warmly and empathetically present.
I thought about the advice I *might* have wanted to give him. It wasn’t a necessary part of the exchange, but seemed like what past-self would have wanted me to be doing. I wasn’t quite sure what advice I’d give. There are some particular lessons about grieving I’ve learned that I could hypothetically pass back if the flow of causality went that way.
I think I’m maybe another 6 months away from knowing the most directly relevant advice I could possibly have said. I tuned in with newer possible future selves about that.
But mostly, I just sat, and remembered.
And, that felt nice. I’m not even my past self’s best-possible-future self. I’m just me. And I feel good, that even in my current chaotic situation, I had the strength and calm to sit back and listen.