In your post I saw several signs that suggest you don’t really want to die. You postponed it out of consideration for your relative (i.e. you still care about things in this world). Every day you wake up less sure of doing it than you were the previous night. You still find the idea repulsive on a gut level. By what I’m about to say I mean absolutely no disrespect, and I don’t intend in any way to minimize what you’re feeling, but as someone who has been terribly depressed before, I can assure you that people who are resolved to suicide find the idea comforting, not unnerving. From your words it’s clear you want the pain to end, but not to end it all.
I think I kinda got obsessed with this part of your post and started thinking really much about it (sorry for ignoring all the other advice in your posts). Mainly because I realized that I even suck at being suicidal—I’m not good at even that, haha. I guess I shouldn’t care about things in this world if I’m suicidal. With that in mind I decided to advance it by a week, so umm… today. I have a big amount cognitive dissonance, I still suck at this “really wanting to die” business, but maybe I’ll push through.
I think I kinda got obsessed with this part of your post and started thinking really much about it (sorry for ignoring all the other advice in your posts). Mainly because I realized that I even suck at being suicidal—I’m not good at even that, haha. I guess I shouldn’t care about things in this world if I’m suicidal. With that in mind I decided to advance it by a week, so umm… today. I have a big amount cognitive dissonance, I still suck at this “really wanting to die” business, but maybe I’ll push through.