For instance, she asked me to list the positive and negative traits of the significant masculine and feminine models in my childhood, in order for her to tell me what kind of relationship I am subconsciously looking for. Problem is, 1) I don’t remember people in my early life as strongly representative of their gender, because back then I didn’t have a strong idea of gender, I just divided people into kids and adults rather than male and female; 2) just because some people might have been my parents or caretakers or elementary teachers doesn’t mean I regard them as significant, just as more familiar than the rest; 3) to this day I don’t ascribe much valence to traits, I don’t view them as virtues or flaws, I consider them mostly neutral, with the potential of “positive” and “negative” expressions; 4) even so, back then I probably judged traits in a completely different light; 5) I really don’t see what any of this has to do with my current attitude to relationships, given that I have changed a great deal in the meantime, and whatever ways in which I resemble my parents (including in the matter of taste in partners) could probably be attributed to genetics. So yeah, impossible question.
Total armchair-psychologist kibitzing. This reads to me like someone who feels judged, or been repeatedly told that there’s something wrong with them that they should fix, or for some other reason is in an emotionally defensive position. My guess is if you felt less judged or more respected, following the shrink’s suggestions would feel more like giving some new habits a test drive than like ritually sacrificing parts of your identity.
The paragraph you quoted here doesn’t have to do with any ways in which I’ve been evaluated by actual people in real life. I have read extensively on psychological topics, especially those related to personality types and disorders, psychological schools, advice, and so on. Many times I have recognized myself in descriptions of “how not to be like”, while descriptions of healthy, adaptive traits & behaviors—things like being warm-hearted, optimistic, and bereft of ideas about one’s own exceptionality—just didn’t appeal to me. I expect my therapist and me don’t really see eye-to-eye on “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
A possibility to consider: there may be behavior changes that would have a highly positive impact to your future life (avoiding arguing habits which exacerbate relational strife, to make up an example), but that aren’t terribly relevant to getting out of this depressive slump. Have you tried the usual anti-depressive suspects (exercise and socializing)? When you feel better / at the beginning your next relationship, it might be worth revisiting some of the things which went wrong in the past to try to avoid them.
This could be true, yes. I don’t go into therapy for any other reason than to maybe at some point stop feeling sad all the time, and yet there are enough other areas in which a therapist might believe intervention is warranted. I haven’t had the energy for vigorous exercising lately, but, for what it’s worth, I take stupendously long walks around the city; as for socializing, I get some human interaction daily, even though it’s not of the fun, energizing kind.
I don’t blame myself much for this failed relationship; I think the most likely hypothesis is that I just stumbled upon a maddeningly attractive person who simply happened to have completely different tastes, and nothing I could have done or tried could have made them love me. Hit and miss, basically.
For instance, she asked me to list the positive and negative traits of the significant masculine and feminine models in my childhood, in order for her to tell me what kind of relationship I am subconsciously looking for. Problem is, 1) I don’t remember people in my early life as strongly representative of their gender, because back then I didn’t have a strong idea of gender, I just divided people into kids and adults rather than male and female; 2) just because some people might have been my parents or caretakers or elementary teachers doesn’t mean I regard them as significant, just as more familiar than the rest; 3) to this day I don’t ascribe much valence to traits, I don’t view them as virtues or flaws, I consider them mostly neutral, with the potential of “positive” and “negative” expressions; 4) even so, back then I probably judged traits in a completely different light; 5) I really don’t see what any of this has to do with my current attitude to relationships, given that I have changed a great deal in the meantime, and whatever ways in which I resemble my parents (including in the matter of taste in partners) could probably be attributed to genetics. So yeah, impossible question.
The paragraph you quoted here doesn’t have to do with any ways in which I’ve been evaluated by actual people in real life. I have read extensively on psychological topics, especially those related to personality types and disorders, psychological schools, advice, and so on. Many times I have recognized myself in descriptions of “how not to be like”, while descriptions of healthy, adaptive traits & behaviors—things like being warm-hearted, optimistic, and bereft of ideas about one’s own exceptionality—just didn’t appeal to me. I expect my therapist and me don’t really see eye-to-eye on “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
This could be true, yes. I don’t go into therapy for any other reason than to maybe at some point stop feeling sad all the time, and yet there are enough other areas in which a therapist might believe intervention is warranted. I haven’t had the energy for vigorous exercising lately, but, for what it’s worth, I take stupendously long walks around the city; as for socializing, I get some human interaction daily, even though it’s not of the fun, energizing kind.
I don’t blame myself much for this failed relationship; I think the most likely hypothesis is that I just stumbled upon a maddeningly attractive person who simply happened to have completely different tastes, and nothing I could have done or tried could have made them love me. Hit and miss, basically.