This is taking the unfortunate/entitled/nice/beta/shibboleth-of-your-choice males’ complaint too far at face value—i.e., that they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial.
People are really bad at measuring their own levels of altruism, which is hardly surprising. Those in this cluster of peoplespace are worse than average at reading social cues and others’ assessments of them, and are apt to interpret “nice” and its congnates as “particularly kind and proscial,” instead of what it usually means, which is “boring, but not actively offensive enough to merit an explicitly negative description.” (Consider what it usually means when you describe your mother’s watercolors or the like as “nice,” sans any emphatic phrasing.) Likewise, we halo bad predicates onto those whom we resent—“jerk” is the male equivalent of “slut,” in this sense.
What’s creepy about this group is precisely the entitled attitude on display—that they deserve to enjoy sexual relations with those on whom they crush merely for being around them and not actively offending, or indeed in some cases for doing what in other contexts would be rightly considered kind and prosocial. This transactional model of sex is, well, creepy, and quite evident if you’re specifically doing {actions that would otherwise be kind and prosocial} for unrequited loves and not people in general. The complaint is accurate in that yes, their being inoffensive and helpful isn’t getting them laid, but the conclusion—that if they were jerks they would get laid—reveals a fundamental confusion. (I also think the PUA types are 100% right when they say displaying confidence is key, but that it’s a bit confused to treat it as relating to dominance or women’s preferences specifically—if you think you suck, others will assume you’re right; this is the key to all sales work, and I’ve known a number of decent-looking women and gay men who aren’t getting laid due to a lack of self-confidence as well.)
I have sympathy for these young men in that having poor native social skills and low self-confidence sucks, and, hey, I’ve been there. But they’re not getting any approval for this, except when they meet up for affective death-spirals.
This is taking the unfortunate/entitled/nice/beta/shibboleth-of-your-choice males’ complaint too far at face value—i.e., that they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial.
I used to believe this, but after doing some research, and further experience, I changed my mind.
First, the available research doesn’t show a disadvantage of altruism, agreeableness, and prosocial tendencies for men.
I used to experience agreeableness and altruism as disadvantages. Now I experience agreeableness as sometimes a big advantage, and sometimes a moderate disadvantage. Altruism is neutral, as long as I can suppress it to normal population levels (I have excessive altruistic tendencies).
Hypotheses that reconcile this data and anecdata:
Prosocial tendencies are orthogonal to attractiveness
Prosocial tendencies have a non-linear relationships to attractiveness (e.g. it’s good to be average, or maybe even a bit above average, but any higher or lower is a disadvantage
The relationship between prosocial tendencies and attractiveness is moderated by another variable. For instance, perhaps prosocial tendencies are an advantage for extraverted men, but a disadvantage for introverts
What’s creepy about this group is precisely the entitled attitude on display—that they deserve to enjoy sexual relations with those on whom they crush merely for being around them and not actively offending, or indeed in some cases for doing what in other contexts would be rightly considered kind and prosocial.
While some people who believe they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial have this attitude of entitlement, ascribing an entitlement mentality to that entire class of people is a hasty generalization. It is likely that people who believe they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial with a genuine entitlement attitude are very visible (far more visible than people in that class without that attitude), and this visibility may distort estimates of their prevalence due to the availability heuristic.
Furthermore, in this context perhaps you would agree that “entitlement” is political buzzword that has not been appropriately operationalized. In some hands, it is used as expansively and unrigorously as “nice” and “jerk.”
I suspect that while dark triad traits are desirable to women, they aren’t the only desirable traits. As you said, research shows that agreeableness and altruism also tend to be attractive, and conscientious and agreeable men tend to be better dancers, and thus more attractive. (quick google search) I suspect that there are multiple types of attractive men, or you can still possess all these traits.
Then again, it is important to know how the dark triad is measured to begin with. I am not sure if this is the actual test, but it looks legitimate. While saying disagree to all or most of the questions that measured lying and callousness, I still managed to score high on Machiavellianism and above average in Narcissism. (low on psychopathy) This also calls into question how “dark” some of these traits are, since outside of psychopathy, the other questions were related to self-esteem and a desire for influence, which isn’t inherently evil, and can still coincide with agreeable and prosocial personalities. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-dark-triad-test-1
Now I experience agreeableness as sometimes a big advantage, and sometimes a moderate disadvantage...
Hypotheses that reconcile this data and anecdata:
...The relationship between prosocial tendencies and attractiveness is moderated by another variable.
I said, which was given some implicit endorsement (I think):
That deeper truth is that it is behaviors indicating high status that are attractive. Usually these are “selfish and aggressive”, not showing concern with others’ standards, but conspicuous vulnerability/non high-status behavior also shows high status by ignoring opportunities to display high status with selfishness and aggression. See e.g. John Mayer.
This is taking the unfortunate/entitled/nice/beta/shibboleth-of-your-choice males’ complaint too far at face value—i.e., that they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial.
It is doing no such thing. Make no mistake—I don’t conflate altruism with approval seeking niceness and I recommend “quit being a pussy” as a far more practical bite of self talk for people in the category you describe to use than the “women only like jerks” message; I’m clearly not rejecting the analogy because I’m supporting a sob story. No, what I am doing is rejecting one soldier that happens to be on the opposite extreme to the one above. Because it is a false analogy.
But they’re not getting any approval for this
I don’t give any approval for this either, but I don’t do it out of judgement or blame. I don’t give approval or sympathy because that would be counterproductive to their own goals.
This is taking the unfortunate/entitled/nice/beta/shibboleth-of-your-choice males’ complaint too far at face value—i.e., that they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial.
People are really bad at measuring their own levels of altruism, which is hardly surprising. Those in this cluster of peoplespace are worse than average at reading social cues and others’ assessments of them, and are apt to interpret “nice” and its congnates as “particularly kind and proscial,” instead of what it usually means, which is “boring, but not actively offensive enough to merit an explicitly negative description.” (Consider what it usually means when you describe your mother’s watercolors or the like as “nice,” sans any emphatic phrasing.) Likewise, we halo bad predicates onto those whom we resent—“jerk” is the male equivalent of “slut,” in this sense.
What’s creepy about this group is precisely the entitled attitude on display—that they deserve to enjoy sexual relations with those on whom they crush merely for being around them and not actively offending, or indeed in some cases for doing what in other contexts would be rightly considered kind and prosocial. This transactional model of sex is, well, creepy, and quite evident if you’re specifically doing {actions that would otherwise be kind and prosocial} for unrequited loves and not people in general. The complaint is accurate in that yes, their being inoffensive and helpful isn’t getting them laid, but the conclusion—that if they were jerks they would get laid—reveals a fundamental confusion. (I also think the PUA types are 100% right when they say displaying confidence is key, but that it’s a bit confused to treat it as relating to dominance or women’s preferences specifically—if you think you suck, others will assume you’re right; this is the key to all sales work, and I’ve known a number of decent-looking women and gay men who aren’t getting laid due to a lack of self-confidence as well.)
I have sympathy for these young men in that having poor native social skills and low self-confidence sucks, and, hey, I’ve been there. But they’re not getting any approval for this, except when they meet up for affective death-spirals.
I used to believe this, but after doing some research, and further experience, I changed my mind.
First, the available research doesn’t show a disadvantage of altruism, agreeableness, and prosocial tendencies for men.
I used to experience agreeableness and altruism as disadvantages. Now I experience agreeableness as sometimes a big advantage, and sometimes a moderate disadvantage. Altruism is neutral, as long as I can suppress it to normal population levels (I have excessive altruistic tendencies).
Hypotheses that reconcile this data and anecdata:
Prosocial tendencies are orthogonal to attractiveness
Prosocial tendencies have a non-linear relationships to attractiveness (e.g. it’s good to be average, or maybe even a bit above average, but any higher or lower is a disadvantage
The relationship between prosocial tendencies and attractiveness is moderated by another variable. For instance, perhaps prosocial tendencies are an advantage for extraverted men, but a disadvantage for introverts
While some people who believe they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial have this attitude of entitlement, ascribing an entitlement mentality to that entire class of people is a hasty generalization. It is likely that people who believe they are sexually unsuccessful on account of being kind and prosocial with a genuine entitlement attitude are very visible (far more visible than people in that class without that attitude), and this visibility may distort estimates of their prevalence due to the availability heuristic.
Furthermore, in this context perhaps you would agree that “entitlement” is political buzzword that has not been appropriately operationalized. In some hands, it is used as expansively and unrigorously as “nice” and “jerk.”
I suspect that while dark triad traits are desirable to women, they aren’t the only desirable traits. As you said, research shows that agreeableness and altruism also tend to be attractive, and conscientious and agreeable men tend to be better dancers, and thus more attractive. (quick google search) I suspect that there are multiple types of attractive men, or you can still possess all these traits.
Then again, it is important to know how the dark triad is measured to begin with. I am not sure if this is the actual test, but it looks legitimate. While saying disagree to all or most of the questions that measured lying and callousness, I still managed to score high on Machiavellianism and above average in Narcissism. (low on psychopathy) This also calls into question how “dark” some of these traits are, since outside of psychopathy, the other questions were related to self-esteem and a desire for influence, which isn’t inherently evil, and can still coincide with agreeable and prosocial personalities.
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-dark-triad-test-1
I said, which was given some implicit endorsement (I think):
It is doing no such thing. Make no mistake—I don’t conflate altruism with approval seeking niceness and I recommend “quit being a pussy” as a far more practical bite of self talk for people in the category you describe to use than the “women only like jerks” message; I’m clearly not rejecting the analogy because I’m supporting a sob story. No, what I am doing is rejecting one soldier that happens to be on the opposite extreme to the one above. Because it is a false analogy.
I don’t give any approval for this either, but I don’t do it out of judgement or blame. I don’t give approval or sympathy because that would be counterproductive to their own goals.