MMSL is my personal source and what I had in mind as something that worked when I recommended just googling it. Most Game material sounds weird without being able to put the ideas into practise, which is why I recommended you search for material more applicable to you: I was able to get instant feedback on ideas by getting or prompting my OH or myself (depending on material) to try them.
I don’t recommend the start of MMSL though, it sounds cynical because it is; that part is mainly aimed at men who are married to wives who aren’t attracted to them, who really need to do something drastic if they want to keep their relationships. I’m not actually sure I’d recommend the blog at all to someone not in a long term relationship; in terms of referring to the science of attraction it doesn’t do much different from sites like Hooking Up Smart, which afaics is information of a similar quality aimed at a different audience (college students, in this case). I’m sure there are more sites of a similar quality out there. (Look for references to Helen Fisher), whose research is most commonly cited).
Apologies if the google advice isn’t useful, looks like I failed to avoid other-optimising after all! (I usually take a “just google it” approach to these things myself.)
ETA: if you’re having ethical “disgust” responses, it may help to keep firmly in mind the elephant/rider (in the usual LW
language) or hamster/agent distinction. Manipulation is done from the rider to the other party’s elephant. This can be done with or without the other rider’s permission, and the ethics of the action where done without permission may well depend on how much the other rider is in control of their own elephant. In the specific case advocated by the opening posts of MMSL, the wife who says things like “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or cheats on their husband without knowing why, has an actively harmful elephant, whose rider is unaware of how to control the elephant, or worse, vehemently denying the existence of the elephant. In cases like this, calling out directly to the elephant may well be an ethical course of action. (“recognising the rider-elephant distinction” translates to “taking the red pill”; the more misogynistic sites assume that females aren’t capable of this, but these sites can still have useful advice in terms of elephant-control.)
Thanks for the insights. This is shining more light on just what it is I’m looking for in a relationship, too, which should help me greatly in improving the shape of my sweet-spot-in-personspace.
MMSL is my personal source and what I had in mind as something that worked when I recommended just googling it. Most Game material sounds weird without being able to put the ideas into practise, which is why I recommended you search for material more applicable to you: I was able to get instant feedback on ideas by getting or prompting my OH or myself (depending on material) to try them.
I don’t recommend the start of MMSL though, it sounds cynical because it is; that part is mainly aimed at men who are married to wives who aren’t attracted to them, who really need to do something drastic if they want to keep their relationships. I’m not actually sure I’d recommend the blog at all to someone not in a long term relationship; in terms of referring to the science of attraction it doesn’t do much different from sites like Hooking Up Smart, which afaics is information of a similar quality aimed at a different audience (college students, in this case). I’m sure there are more sites of a similar quality out there. (Look for references to Helen Fisher), whose research is most commonly cited).
Apologies if the google advice isn’t useful, looks like I failed to avoid other-optimising after all! (I usually take a “just google it” approach to these things myself.)
ETA: if you’re having ethical “disgust” responses, it may help to keep firmly in mind the elephant/rider (in the usual LW language) or hamster/agent distinction. Manipulation is done from the rider to the other party’s elephant. This can be done with or without the other rider’s permission, and the ethics of the action where done without permission may well depend on how much the other rider is in control of their own elephant. In the specific case advocated by the opening posts of MMSL, the wife who says things like “I love you but I’m not in love with you” or cheats on their husband without knowing why, has an actively harmful elephant, whose rider is unaware of how to control the elephant, or worse, vehemently denying the existence of the elephant. In cases like this, calling out directly to the elephant may well be an ethical course of action. (“recognising the rider-elephant distinction” translates to “taking the red pill”; the more misogynistic sites assume that females aren’t capable of this, but these sites can still have useful advice in terms of elephant-control.)
Thanks for the insights. This is shining more light on just what it is I’m looking for in a relationship, too, which should help me greatly in improving the shape of my sweet-spot-in-personspace.