Reading this, I remembered my usual reaction to what you call “setting the zero-point”, which serves as a pretty good defense spell. (I don’t normally think of it as a defense; it’s just my go-to lens that I apply to most conversations that help me care about them at all).
My reaction is to identify and name the thing that the person seems to care about that’s behind the setting the zero-point. You could call it “Name The Value” (though “value” is kind of a loaded term, imo).
(this move is also available when anyone is complaining about anything, which is super handy)
Generally, from there, there’s an exploration of why the person cares about this thing in particular (really seeking to understand what it would be like to be a person who cares about such things) and then, after that, maybe I’ll introduce some other values that I think are also worth considering within the original question, just to taste ’em together.
(You usually can’t skip to introducing other values until the person feels heard on their underlying value. I mean, you can, but they’ll probably feel bad, and people tend to clam up when they feel bad, which makes further conversation-of-the-type-I-want-to-have more difficult).
Most importantly for me, this conversational move tends to shift us from speculation about the world (which often requires being able to recall facts and information, which I’m bad at) and into a realm that allows for in-the-moment observation: the realm of What People (Say They) Care About.
(Actually, it’s richer than just What People (Say They) Care About— it’s how people orient to the world; what people find salient; what kind of mental schemas they keep; what sort of mental complexity they operate at; etc. There’s a lot of cool stuff hidden behind what people say and how they say it.)
Reading this, I remembered my usual reaction to what you call “setting the zero-point”, which serves as a pretty good defense spell. (I don’t normally think of it as a defense; it’s just my go-to lens that I apply to most conversations that help me care about them at all).
My reaction is to identify and name the thing that the person seems to care about that’s behind the setting the zero-point. You could call it “Name The Value” (though “value” is kind of a loaded term, imo).
(this move is also available when anyone is complaining about anything, which is super handy)
Generally, from there, there’s an exploration of why the person cares about this thing in particular (really seeking to understand what it would be like to be a person who cares about such things) and then, after that, maybe I’ll introduce some other values that I think are also worth considering within the original question, just to taste ’em together.
(You usually can’t skip to introducing other values until the person feels heard on their underlying value. I mean, you can, but they’ll probably feel bad, and people tend to clam up when they feel bad, which makes further conversation-of-the-type-I-want-to-have more difficult).
Most importantly for me, this conversational move tends to shift us from speculation about the world (which often requires being able to recall facts and information, which I’m bad at) and into a realm that allows for in-the-moment observation: the realm of What People (Say They) Care About.
(Actually, it’s richer than just What People (Say They) Care About— it’s how people orient to the world; what people find salient; what kind of mental schemas they keep; what sort of mental complexity they operate at; etc. There’s a lot of cool stuff hidden behind what people say and how they say it.)