If you intend to criticize an idea, then I agree that it is socially productive to first point out something you liked about that idea, and if you didn’t like its contents at all, then go with “I like that you brought up this topic/point, because I too find it important, however / yet I think...”
The magic words in the sentence above are “however” and “yet”, the latter being superior. Notice how the same sentence would sound if I replaced “yet” with “but” to link the praise/concession with my criticism. “But” can (and often enough is) perceived in contexts like this as a harsh word, and is parsed as if anything you mentioned in the sentence beforehand is completely negated by this single word.
The reason why it can feel this way is because many people actually use it in exactly this way. They say something and offer concessions or even praise, and then use the word “but” to really mean “I didn’t actually mean any of what I just said, so here’s what I actually think on this matter...”
I believe I picked up this simple trick from “How to Win Friends and Influence People” what must have been close to 10 years ago, and every time I’m about to use a “carrot and stick” sentence I remind myself to use “however” or “yet” instead of “but” to link them. I believe the book even offered “and” (though I was reading the German translation of that book) as a potential linking word, but I can’t quite warm up to that and my intuition says it might actually even weird out your conversation partner.
If you use “but” the person you talk to is likely to assume a defensive role, whereas if you use “yet” it can feel more like an invitation for a joint venture to genuinely explore the topic.
I also recall reading ‘and’, if not in that book then in one on a similar topic.
I believe the basic format for using ‘and’ is: “I believe X is good, and it could be even better if you did Y”.
Contrast:
“Your speech was good, but consider using more specific examples”
“Your speech was good. However, it could be improved with more specific examples.”
“Your speech was good. Yet I think that using more specific examples would improve it.”
“Your speech was good, and I think you could increase the impact even further if you also included more specific
examples.”
(Note: The one with ‘yet’ sounds a bit awkward to me, I’m not sure I know how to use it in this situation).
Sure the use of the word ‘and’ is neither neccessary nor sufficient to make the sentence more positive, but I think that (given a bit of practice) it naturally causes you to do so. Much the same as the word ‘yet’, but (I think) more strongly.
I could theoretically say “Your speech was good, but I think you could increase the impact even further if you also included more specific examples.”, but using the word ‘but’ doesn’t really force me to do so the way that using ‘and’ would, and doesn’t come across as quite as supportive. The word ‘but’ actually sounds slightly wrong to me in this sentence.
I believe the basic format for using ‘and’ is: “I believe X is good, and it could be even better if you did Y”.
That’s a useful template and in some cases the advice goes as far as to explicitly advocate just replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ even when it is barely grammatical. This may vary somewhat with the audience and I believe the claim that most typical humans will either not notice or care about the improved tone than the impaired syntax. Mind you the particularly logically minded will also not mind the arbitrary change since ‘and’ does technically fit correctly in every case that ‘but’ fits, albeit with rather different connotations.
Note, that I did notice the change. I do think that to facilitate proper understanding of a sentence, ‘but’ should be used slightly differently from ‘and’, even if both are technically correct.
Random Tip:
If you intend to criticize an idea, then I agree that it is socially productive to first point out something you liked about that idea, and if you didn’t like its contents at all, then go with “I like that you brought up this topic/point, because I too find it important, however / yet I think...”
The magic words in the sentence above are “however” and “yet”, the latter being superior. Notice how the same sentence would sound if I replaced “yet” with “but” to link the praise/concession with my criticism. “But” can (and often enough is) perceived in contexts like this as a harsh word, and is parsed as if anything you mentioned in the sentence beforehand is completely negated by this single word. The reason why it can feel this way is because many people actually use it in exactly this way. They say something and offer concessions or even praise, and then use the word “but” to really mean “I didn’t actually mean any of what I just said, so here’s what I actually think on this matter...”
I believe I picked up this simple trick from “How to Win Friends and Influence People” what must have been close to 10 years ago, and every time I’m about to use a “carrot and stick” sentence I remind myself to use “however” or “yet” instead of “but” to link them. I believe the book even offered “and” (though I was reading the German translation of that book) as a potential linking word, but I can’t quite warm up to that and my intuition says it might actually even weird out your conversation partner.
If you use “but” the person you talk to is likely to assume a defensive role, whereas if you use “yet” it can feel more like an invitation for a joint venture to genuinely explore the topic.
Sometimes you can even get away with ‘and’ or without using a conjunction.
Like, “This can be a very effective method. One concern will be looking out for X.”
Or, “That’s a good argument. It brings us as far as the question of Y.”
I remember reading ‘and’ too (English translation).
I also recall reading ‘and’, if not in that book then in one on a similar topic.
I believe the basic format for using ‘and’ is: “I believe X is good, and it could be even better if you did Y”.
Contrast:
“Your speech was good, but consider using more specific examples”
“Your speech was good. However, it could be improved with more specific examples.”
“Your speech was good. Yet I think that using more specific examples would improve it.”
“Your speech was good, and I think you could increase the impact even further if you also included more specific examples.”
(Note: The one with ‘yet’ sounds a bit awkward to me, I’m not sure I know how to use it in this situation).
Sure the use of the word ‘and’ is neither neccessary nor sufficient to make the sentence more positive, but I think that (given a bit of practice) it naturally causes you to do so. Much the same as the word ‘yet’, but (I think) more strongly.
I could theoretically say “Your speech was good, but I think you could increase the impact even further if you also included more specific examples.”, but using the word ‘but’ doesn’t really force me to do so the way that using ‘and’ would, and doesn’t come across as quite as supportive. The word ‘but’ actually sounds slightly wrong to me in this sentence.
That’s a useful template and in some cases the advice goes as far as to explicitly advocate just replacing ‘but’ with ‘and’ even when it is barely grammatical. This may vary somewhat with the audience and I believe the claim that most typical humans will either not notice or care about the improved tone than the impaired syntax. Mind you the particularly logically minded will also not mind the arbitrary change since ‘and’ does technically fit correctly in every case that ‘but’ fits, albeit with rather different connotations.
Note, that I did notice the change. I do think that to facilitate proper understanding of a sentence, ‘but’ should be used slightly differently from ‘and’, even if both are technically correct.
It’s the general response format:
Paragraph thanking person (sincerely) for considering the issue.
Paragraph noting possible problem.
Paragraph again thanking person (sincerely) for considering the issue.
This works shockingly well IME.