You know, if you wanted to look at conversation between two people as a prisoner’s dilemma, I think it’s quite the other way around, isn’t it?
Consider the “payoff” of this situation to be the amount which the person you’re talking to has considered and valued your concerns, suggestions, ideas, or requests.
C = Say what you mean as clearly and accurately as possible, and interpret the other person’s actions as such
D = Choose your words and actions to be polite and non-confrontational
(You C, I C) = We both understand each other and we both wind up communicating to the best of our ability.
(You C, I D) = I am irritated with you for being rude to me and don’t care for what you said very much. You probably heard me out, although you think I’m too sensitive and beat around the bush.
(You D, I D) = We both say what we have to say, but it might take longer and there might be minor misunderstandings that neither of us wanted to step on.
We’d all be better off, I think, if we could learn to C, and give and receive criticism in an accurate way, in good faith, without playing status and politeness games about it. But since the majority of the world is D, and probably won’t change, we might need to D as well if we ever want anyone to put up with us.
So if you buy this interpretation, we’re not defecting by accident—we’re cooperating by default, even when we’re playing against Defection Rock and getting poor outcomes as a result.
A major point of the post is that it is possible to both say what you mean clearly and accurately and choose your words to be polite and non-confrontational.
There are two games: a communication game and a social game. You (and the analytical people in the post) only see the communication game, thinking that if you cooperate in it you must defect in the social game.
In fact, you are allowed to cooperate in both games, and receive good payoffs whether or not your opponent is in the analytical cluster.
It is possible to play both, but difficult, and you can’t play both at once as well as equally smart non-analytical types will play just the social game.
Why not? Purely In terms of the social game, isn’t “being smart and analytical” just one style of play?
Disadvantages: less natural concern for offense or feelings
Advantages: more concern and ability for logical politeness, finding the truth, and focusing on ideas (not taking offense).
That’s^ if you want to really enter the game and play it the standard way.
You can also just be yourself, which gets you points and naturally crafts a reputation/expectations, and be idea-focused, which naturally does the same.
from an above comment, which has also been my experience:
“In some ways, my obliviousness was very powerful for me, because ignoring status cues is a mark of status, as are confidence and being at ease with high-status people—all of which flow from my focus on ideas over people or their status. Yet as I’ve moved from more academic/intellectual circles to business/wealth circles, it’s become crucial to learn that extra social subtext, because most of those people get driven away if you don’t have those extra layers of social sense and display it in your conversational maneuvering.”
I’m not even sure of the necessity of the second part, but it’s a good ability to have regardless. I don’t see where the cap on communication plus socialising comes from, because communicating well score someone a lot of social points, especially in terms of reputation, but also immediately -if they do it “right” for their environment, which is usually fairly straightforward (be polite and respectful and/or friendly and/or humble and/or oblivious, probably etc).
Imo one of the best things you can do specifically for social games, is to pay 0 attention to them. Very few people are such explicit, calculated, and committed status seekers that they can’t accept someone who isn’t playing (and being described by those 3 adjectives wouldn’t even cause them to either). Instead what usually happens is that some people are suspicious of people who don’t appear to be playing, and prone to turning on them (not usually out of active malice/calculation: on the basis of something like “subconsciously felt hostility”) but if the person who is oblivious/uninterested is either friendly, polite, “cool”, or just oblivious-enough, this suspicion will dissapear over time. Because the basic suspicion, imo, is that someone is not genuinely uninterested/oblivious, but actively posing as high status.
If they then e.g. see the person doing things which would deliberately lower their status, -if they were being deliberate-, then most people will figure out what’s going on. e.g. self deprecating comments, coming over to people and being friendly, respectfulness and politeness, explaining things well and with understanding -any of that kind of thing-, then they’ll see (perhaps over time rather than quickly) that the person is not posing as high status.
If one doesn’t have any of those habits then I guess that maybe they’d have to adopt them, if they want to be sure to have an easy time, but then again just acting “naturally high status” for a long time will generally result in people seeing someone that way so these meta level considerations are unnecessary in any case. Plus there’s bound to be some signs.
And of course if you’re in a discussion with such a person and they give you a confused/that’s weird look, you can just explain yourself. Most people aren’t, like, status-demons. Status is just a “working model”/overlay; most people don’t worship it/explicitly value it; they just want to be respected, though well, of, and feel safe in their social environment. (or if this isn’t technically true, it’s an equally good overlay to status, in my case a much better one.)
Anyway here’s some things smart and analytical people can naturally do/have better than others socialwise:
Present interesting and useful ideas. Offer them to others/ the group. Includes just making conversation with others, even very anti-abstract people: speak with enthusiasm as broadly as is necessarry for the listener, with tone something like “isn’t it such a rich tapestry of varied human experience and perspectives in this wide world”, i.e. an aesthetic rather than intelectual focus. Most people like this kind of thing and, even if absolutely nothing else, and even the most anti-abstract people, can feel the good intentions of trying to lift their spirit with lofty/fancy ideas, or grow fond of it in a patronising “isn’t that cute/nice/smart” way.
Have a genuine focus on ideas rather than people. Many people value this, and people who don’t are generally not enemies to it. And people who are, are generally enemies by default rather than as an active and deliberate thing (and therefore are open to suasion from that stance WRT to individuals and even sometimes such people in general. This also naturally “signals high status”, as detailed above, though I don’t know how much that usually really means anything in this general case. (a lot of modifiers on that last clause, but I wanted to be precise). Being genuinely oblivious or uninterested is by far the absolute best way to occupy (incidentally or otherwise) such a social role. If you desire to not worry about this stuff, the best way to do it is to start not worrying about it, and that’s a social skill because it’s a really low energy/ other-expenditure way to navigate a social world. Efficiency is a positive in much the same way that efficacy is. (if one does not have a reputation for obliviousnes/disinterest, they can just tell/ announce to others that they’ve decided to be a more focused individual or something, and be rightly applauded if they frame it properly/the people around them respect/like/have good intentions towards them. (because people don’t generally support status in the abstract: it’s an overlay for viewing people’s actions, {imo on par with something like the mbti personality index, or a bit below actually}, not something most people explicitly value.)
Explain things well. Imo this is one of the best social skills (it’s also a skill of course, but it becomes a social skill if you do it right), -to learn how to explain things to people, not with patience, which can imply benificently tolerated irritation, but with understanding that others actually and literally don’t understand or sometimes even have the framework to understand what they don’t understand. This is much easier for analytical people because they can break down the concept of “obvious” from a one-place to a (correct) two-place understanding, and of course because analytical people can move more easily through the world of ideas in which people can get lost. (Imo this is a great natural crossover point between analytical thinking and social skills, or more specifically empathy/simulating others experiences, so it’s also a good way to practice being social for analytical people that aren’t currently very good at it).
Analytical people can learn to analyse situations/reality, and analyse how they would be better attuned to that reality. Making such changes is largely an intuitive/emotional skill, but imo that part of it is much easier to learn than how to analyse reality unbiasedly, comprehensively, and well. (Not 100% strictly speaking an advantage, as emotional/intuitive/social people have other peaks they have easier access to, and probably every kind of person does, but still)
Elaborating on nerzhin’s comment, which I think is well stated: the tradeoff between clarity and politeness is not absolute. If politeness is non-habitual and thus difficult, it requires a lot of your energy and attention, and you have to give up some of the energy you could otherwise have spent being clear. This is much less the case when you’re very practiced at speaking courteously, because that action becomes automatic; you can then use all your conscious focus on clarity.
It’s much the same as the speed/accuracy tradeoff in, say, typing, or playing a musical instrument. When you’re still learning how to do it, you have to type or play slowly if you want to make sure to get it right. Once you gain the muscle memory to do it right, you can speed up because it’s not so much work to be accurate any more.
You know, if you wanted to look at conversation between two people as a prisoner’s dilemma, I think it’s quite the other way around, isn’t it?
Consider the “payoff” of this situation to be the amount which the person you’re talking to has considered and valued your concerns, suggestions, ideas, or requests.
C = Say what you mean as clearly and accurately as possible, and interpret the other person’s actions as such
D = Choose your words and actions to be polite and non-confrontational
(You C, I C) = We both understand each other and we both wind up communicating to the best of our ability.
(You C, I D) = I am irritated with you for being rude to me and don’t care for what you said very much. You probably heard me out, although you think I’m too sensitive and beat around the bush.
(You D, I D) = We both say what we have to say, but it might take longer and there might be minor misunderstandings that neither of us wanted to step on.
We’d all be better off, I think, if we could learn to C, and give and receive criticism in an accurate way, in good faith, without playing status and politeness games about it. But since the majority of the world is D, and probably won’t change, we might need to D as well if we ever want anyone to put up with us.
So if you buy this interpretation, we’re not defecting by accident—we’re cooperating by default, even when we’re playing against Defection Rock and getting poor outcomes as a result.
A major point of the post is that it is possible to both say what you mean clearly and accurately and choose your words to be polite and non-confrontational.
There are two games: a communication game and a social game. You (and the analytical people in the post) only see the communication game, thinking that if you cooperate in it you must defect in the social game.
In fact, you are allowed to cooperate in both games, and receive good payoffs whether or not your opponent is in the analytical cluster.
It is possible to play both, but difficult, and you can’t play both at once as well as equally smart non-analytical types will play just the social game.
Why not? Purely In terms of the social game, isn’t “being smart and analytical” just one style of play?
Disadvantages: less natural concern for offense or feelings
Advantages: more concern and ability for logical politeness, finding the truth, and focusing on ideas (not taking offense).
That’s^ if you want to really enter the game and play it the standard way.
You can also just be yourself, which gets you points and naturally crafts a reputation/expectations, and be idea-focused, which naturally does the same.
from an above comment, which has also been my experience:
“In some ways, my obliviousness was very powerful for me, because ignoring status cues is a mark of status, as are confidence and being at ease with high-status people—all of which flow from my focus on ideas over people or their status. Yet as I’ve moved from more academic/intellectual circles to business/wealth circles, it’s become crucial to learn that extra social subtext, because most of those people get driven away if you don’t have those extra layers of social sense and display it in your conversational maneuvering.”
I’m not even sure of the necessity of the second part, but it’s a good ability to have regardless. I don’t see where the cap on communication plus socialising comes from, because communicating well score someone a lot of social points, especially in terms of reputation, but also immediately -if they do it “right” for their environment, which is usually fairly straightforward (be polite and respectful and/or friendly and/or humble and/or oblivious, probably etc).
Imo one of the best things you can do specifically for social games, is to pay 0 attention to them. Very few people are such explicit, calculated, and committed status seekers that they can’t accept someone who isn’t playing (and being described by those 3 adjectives wouldn’t even cause them to either). Instead what usually happens is that some people are suspicious of people who don’t appear to be playing, and prone to turning on them (not usually out of active malice/calculation: on the basis of something like “subconsciously felt hostility”) but if the person who is oblivious/uninterested is either friendly, polite, “cool”, or just oblivious-enough, this suspicion will dissapear over time. Because the basic suspicion, imo, is that someone is not genuinely uninterested/oblivious, but actively posing as high status.
If they then e.g. see the person doing things which would deliberately lower their status, -if they were being deliberate-, then most people will figure out what’s going on. e.g. self deprecating comments, coming over to people and being friendly, respectfulness and politeness, explaining things well and with understanding -any of that kind of thing-, then they’ll see (perhaps over time rather than quickly) that the person is not posing as high status.
If one doesn’t have any of those habits then I guess that maybe they’d have to adopt them, if they want to be sure to have an easy time, but then again just acting “naturally high status” for a long time will generally result in people seeing someone that way so these meta level considerations are unnecessary in any case. Plus there’s bound to be some signs.
And of course if you’re in a discussion with such a person and they give you a confused/that’s weird look, you can just explain yourself. Most people aren’t, like, status-demons. Status is just a “working model”/overlay; most people don’t worship it/explicitly value it; they just want to be respected, though well, of, and feel safe in their social environment. (or if this isn’t technically true, it’s an equally good overlay to status, in my case a much better one.)
Anyway here’s some things smart and analytical people can naturally do/have better than others socialwise:
Present interesting and useful ideas. Offer them to others/ the group. Includes just making conversation with others, even very anti-abstract people: speak with enthusiasm as broadly as is necessarry for the listener, with tone something like “isn’t it such a rich tapestry of varied human experience and perspectives in this wide world”, i.e. an aesthetic rather than intelectual focus. Most people like this kind of thing and, even if absolutely nothing else, and even the most anti-abstract people, can feel the good intentions of trying to lift their spirit with lofty/fancy ideas, or grow fond of it in a patronising “isn’t that cute/nice/smart” way.
Have a genuine focus on ideas rather than people. Many people value this, and people who don’t are generally not enemies to it. And people who are, are generally enemies by default rather than as an active and deliberate thing (and therefore are open to suasion from that stance WRT to individuals and even sometimes such people in general. This also naturally “signals high status”, as detailed above, though I don’t know how much that usually really means anything in this general case. (a lot of modifiers on that last clause, but I wanted to be precise). Being genuinely oblivious or uninterested is by far the absolute best way to occupy (incidentally or otherwise) such a social role. If you desire to not worry about this stuff, the best way to do it is to start not worrying about it, and that’s a social skill because it’s a really low energy/ other-expenditure way to navigate a social world. Efficiency is a positive in much the same way that efficacy is. (if one does not have a reputation for obliviousnes/disinterest, they can just tell/ announce to others that they’ve decided to be a more focused individual or something, and be rightly applauded if they frame it properly/the people around them respect/like/have good intentions towards them. (because people don’t generally support status in the abstract: it’s an overlay for viewing people’s actions, {imo on par with something like the mbti personality index, or a bit below actually}, not something most people explicitly value.)
Explain things well. Imo this is one of the best social skills (it’s also a skill of course, but it becomes a social skill if you do it right), -to learn how to explain things to people, not with patience, which can imply benificently tolerated irritation, but with understanding that others actually and literally don’t understand or sometimes even have the framework to understand what they don’t understand. This is much easier for analytical people because they can break down the concept of “obvious” from a one-place to a (correct) two-place understanding, and of course because analytical people can move more easily through the world of ideas in which people can get lost. (Imo this is a great natural crossover point between analytical thinking and social skills, or more specifically empathy/simulating others experiences, so it’s also a good way to practice being social for analytical people that aren’t currently very good at it).
Analytical people can learn to analyse situations/reality, and analyse how they would be better attuned to that reality. Making such changes is largely an intuitive/emotional skill, but imo that part of it is much easier to learn than how to analyse reality unbiasedly, comprehensively, and well. (Not 100% strictly speaking an advantage, as emotional/intuitive/social people have other peaks they have easier access to, and probably every kind of person does, but still)
Elaborating on nerzhin’s comment, which I think is well stated: the tradeoff between clarity and politeness is not absolute. If politeness is non-habitual and thus difficult, it requires a lot of your energy and attention, and you have to give up some of the energy you could otherwise have spent being clear. This is much less the case when you’re very practiced at speaking courteously, because that action becomes automatic; you can then use all your conscious focus on clarity.
It’s much the same as the speed/accuracy tradeoff in, say, typing, or playing a musical instrument. When you’re still learning how to do it, you have to type or play slowly if you want to make sure to get it right. Once you gain the muscle memory to do it right, you can speed up because it’s not so much work to be accurate any more.