What traits are most important to you in a prospective partner?
When I was dating widely, first and foremost I was looking for the kind of nerd sensibility that appreciates role playing games, the works of Joss Whedon, comic books, Star Wars, Tolkien, etc. This is so much a part of who I am that I simply had no interest in people who didn’t get it. And this requirement incidentally tends to select for high intelligence.
But that was theory. Now that I’ve been married for several years, what I appreciate most about my husband is not that he’s a geek (though he is) or that he’s smart (though he really, really is) but that he’s a good man. I’ve come to rely on him for the primal, old-fashioned things that are almost taboo for self-possessed modern women to even mention: you know, the old protect-and-provide business. He does that. And it’s important. So important, and sometimes I feel like it’s blind luck that I ended up with a husband I can trust and respect on that level, because I certainly wasn’t selecting for it consciously when I was a self-sufficient childless gal looking for a modern egalitarian relationship. (In retrospect, though, I think I was selecting for it on a subconscious level.) This quality also makes him a good father, which has become tremendously important since our kids were born.
What kind of role would you want your partner(s) to play in your life?
Well, I want a partner who can play different roles as the circumstances of our lives change. When we first got together it was about having fun, seeking out new experiences, and supporting each other in our aspirations. Now that we’re parents it’s like we’re coworkers as well as romantic partners, so we need to be able to do all the things that are important in maintaining a good work environment: split tasks efficiently, provide constructive feedback, ask for (and accept) help where needed, and sometimes be each other’s source of affirmation and reward. Also stress relief, that’s really important—shared jokes and frequent sex. Someday we’ll be old and I imagine then the role will be about companionship and maybe keeping each other mobile and independent for as long as possible.
How much time would you spend together, ideally?
Well, we live together, but I’d like more time alone with my husband: my youngest boy is still nursing, so even doing something like “date night” is hard. I’d like that though.
How important is it to you that you share similar tastes?
Highly important. Like I said above, I wasn’t able to conceive of being with someone who didn’t share the geek constellation of interests.
How important is it that you be ideologically similar?
Highly important.
What, if anything, are your dealbreakers?
Oh man. I didn’t have nearly enough of them when I was dating. I look back on some of my previous partners and I think: If that was the person I had children with! If that was the person I was betting not just my life, but my children’s lives on! Oh, but for the grace of Darwin...
I only ended relationships when I wasn’t in love. When I was in love, I just clung with all my strength, even when it was or should have been obvious that the relationship wasn’t working out: when we fought all the time, or when we were no longer having sex, or when my partner moved halfway across the world. In each of those cases I was dumped, and at the time I would have given anything to win my partner back, but in retrospect I am so grateful that my ex had the strength to end things when I did not.
When I was dating widely, first and foremost I was looking for the kind of nerd sensibility that appreciates role playing games, the works of Joss Whedon, comic books, Star Wars, Tolkien, etc. This is so much a part of who I am that I simply had no interest in people who didn’t get it. And this requirement incidentally tends to select for high intelligence.
But that was theory. Now that I’ve been married for several years, what I appreciate most about my husband is not that he’s a geek (though he is) or that he’s smart (though he really, really is) but that he’s a good man. I’ve come to rely on him for the primal, old-fashioned things that are almost taboo for self-possessed modern women to even mention: you know, the old protect-and-provide business. He does that. And it’s important. So important, and sometimes I feel like it’s blind luck that I ended up with a husband I can trust and respect on that level, because I certainly wasn’t selecting for it consciously when I was a self-sufficient childless gal looking for a modern egalitarian relationship. (In retrospect, though, I think I was selecting for it on a subconscious level.) This quality also makes him a good father, which has become tremendously important since our kids were born.
Well, I want a partner who can play different roles as the circumstances of our lives change. When we first got together it was about having fun, seeking out new experiences, and supporting each other in our aspirations. Now that we’re parents it’s like we’re coworkers as well as romantic partners, so we need to be able to do all the things that are important in maintaining a good work environment: split tasks efficiently, provide constructive feedback, ask for (and accept) help where needed, and sometimes be each other’s source of affirmation and reward. Also stress relief, that’s really important—shared jokes and frequent sex. Someday we’ll be old and I imagine then the role will be about companionship and maybe keeping each other mobile and independent for as long as possible.
Well, we live together, but I’d like more time alone with my husband: my youngest boy is still nursing, so even doing something like “date night” is hard. I’d like that though.
Highly important. Like I said above, I wasn’t able to conceive of being with someone who didn’t share the geek constellation of interests.
Highly important.
Oh man. I didn’t have nearly enough of them when I was dating. I look back on some of my previous partners and I think: If that was the person I had children with! If that was the person I was betting not just my life, but my children’s lives on! Oh, but for the grace of Darwin...
I only ended relationships when I wasn’t in love. When I was in love, I just clung with all my strength, even when it was or should have been obvious that the relationship wasn’t working out: when we fought all the time, or when we were no longer having sex, or when my partner moved halfway across the world. In each of those cases I was dumped, and at the time I would have given anything to win my partner back, but in retrospect I am so grateful that my ex had the strength to end things when I did not.