Never get angry. Stay calm, and use communication tactically to achieve your goals. Don’t communicate naturally; communicate tactically. If you get upset, you are weakened.
How to deflect.
To get past an unproductive and possibly angry conversation, you need to deflect the unproductive bluster and get down to the heart of things: goals, and how to achieve them. Use a sentence of the form:
“[Acknowledge what the other guy said], but/however/and [insert polite, goal-centered language here].”
You spring past what the other person said, and then recast the conversation in your own terms. Did he say something angry, meant to upset you? Let it run off you like water, and move on to what you want the conversation to be about. This disempowers him and puts you in charge.
How to motivate people.
There’s a secret to motivating people, whether they’re students, co-workers, whatever. To motivate someone, raise his expectations of himself. Don’t put people down; raise them up. When you want to reprimand someone for not living up to your expectations, mention the positive first. Raise his expectations of himself.
Empathy
To calm somebody down, or get him to do what you want, empathy is the key. Empathy, the ability to see through the eyes of another, is one of the greatest powers that humans have. It gives you power over people, of a kind that they won’t get mad about. Understand the other guy, and then think for him as he ought to think. The speaker worked as a police officer, so most of the people he dealt with were under the influence of something. Maybe they were drugged, or drunk; maybe they were frightened, or outraged. Whatever it is, it clouds their judgement; be the levelheaded one and help them think clearly. Empathy is what you need for this.
How to interrupt someone.
Use the most powerful sentence in the English language: “Let me see if I understand what you just said.” It shuts anybody up, without pissing them off, and they’ll listen. Even if they’re hopping mad and were screaming their lungs out at you a minute ago, they’ll listen. Use this sentence, and then paraphrase what you understand them as saying. When you paraphrase, that lets you control the conversation. You get to put their point of view in your own words, and in doing so, you calm them down and sieze control of the conversation.
How to be a good boss.
This was a talk at Colombia University business school; people came to learn how to be good bosses. And the secret is that if you’re a boss, don’t focus directly on your own career; focus on lifting up the people under you. Do this, and they will lift you up with them. To be powerful in a group setting, you must disappear. Put your own ego aside, don’t worry about who gets the credit, and focus on your goals.
How to discipline effectively.
This is his biggest point. The secret of good discipline is to use language disinterestedly. You can show anger, condescension, irritation, etc., OR you can discipline somebody. You can’t do both at the same time. If you show anger when disciplining someone, you give them an excuse to be angry, and you destroy your own effectiveness. Conversely, if you want to express anger, then don’t let punishment even enter the conversation. Keep these separate.
How to deal with someone who says no.
There are five stages to this. Try the first one; if it fails, go to the next one, and so on. Usually you won’t have to go past the first one or two.
Ask. Be polite. Interrogative tone. “Sir, will you please step out of the car?” This usually works, and the conversation ends here.
Tell him why. Declarative tone. This gives you authority, it’s a sign of respect, and it gives the other guy a way of saving face. It builds a context for what you’re asking. If asking failed, explaining usually works. “I see an open liquor bottle in your cup-holder, and I’m required by law to search your vehicle. For our safety, I need you to step out of the car.”
Create and present options. There are four secrets for this:
Voice: friendly and respectful.
Always list good options first (“You can go home tonight, have dinner with your family, sleep in your own bed.”). Then the bad options (“If you don’t get out of this car, the law says you’re going to jail overnight, and you’ll get your car towed, and they’ll charge you like 300 bucks.”). Then remind him of the good options, to get the conversation back to what you want him to do. (“I just need you to get out of your car, let me have a look around, and we’ll be done in a few minutes.”)
Be specific. Paint a mental picture for people. Vivid imagery.
WIIFM: What’s In It For Me? Appeal to the other guy’s self-interest. It’s not about you; it’s about him.
Confirm noncompliance. “Is there anything I can say to get you to cooperate, and step out of the car for me, so you don’t go to jail?” Give them a way to save face.
Act—Disengage or escalate. This is the part where you either give up or get serious. In the “get out of the car” example, this is the part where you arrest him. Very seldom does it get to this stage, if you did the previous stages right.
If you want more on verbal judo, watch the video; he’s a good speaker.
The speaker has a whole career of experience dealing with people who are irrational because they’re drunk, angry, frightened, or some combination of the above. He says this stuff is what he does, and that it works great. That’s anecdotal, but it’s about the strongest kind of anecdotal evidence it’s possible to get.
It would be nice if someone did a properly controlled study on this.
The one thing I wondered about was whether the techniques for getting compliance interfere with getting information. For example, what if someone who isn’t consenting to a search is actually right about the law?
The thing that bothers me about the talk is that most of it makes the assumption that you’re being calm and rational, that you’re right, and that whoever you’re talking to is irrational and needs to be verbally judo’d into compliance. Sometimes that’s the case, but most of the techniques don’t really apply to situations where you’re dealing with another calm, sane person as an equal.
I wrote up some notes on this, because there’s no transcript and it’s good information. Let’s see if I can get the comment syntax to cooperate here.
How to win in conversations, in general.
Never get angry. Stay calm, and use communication tactically to achieve your goals. Don’t communicate naturally; communicate tactically. If you get upset, you are weakened.
How to deflect.
To get past an unproductive and possibly angry conversation, you need to deflect the unproductive bluster and get down to the heart of things: goals, and how to achieve them. Use a sentence of the form:
“[Acknowledge what the other guy said], but/however/and [insert polite, goal-centered language here].”
You spring past what the other person said, and then recast the conversation in your own terms. Did he say something angry, meant to upset you? Let it run off you like water, and move on to what you want the conversation to be about. This disempowers him and puts you in charge.
How to motivate people.
There’s a secret to motivating people, whether they’re students, co-workers, whatever. To motivate someone, raise his expectations of himself. Don’t put people down; raise them up. When you want to reprimand someone for not living up to your expectations, mention the positive first. Raise his expectations of himself.
Empathy
To calm somebody down, or get him to do what you want, empathy is the key. Empathy, the ability to see through the eyes of another, is one of the greatest powers that humans have. It gives you power over people, of a kind that they won’t get mad about. Understand the other guy, and then think for him as he ought to think. The speaker worked as a police officer, so most of the people he dealt with were under the influence of something. Maybe they were drugged, or drunk; maybe they were frightened, or outraged. Whatever it is, it clouds their judgement; be the levelheaded one and help them think clearly. Empathy is what you need for this.
How to interrupt someone.
Use the most powerful sentence in the English language: “Let me see if I understand what you just said.” It shuts anybody up, without pissing them off, and they’ll listen. Even if they’re hopping mad and were screaming their lungs out at you a minute ago, they’ll listen. Use this sentence, and then paraphrase what you understand them as saying. When you paraphrase, that lets you control the conversation. You get to put their point of view in your own words, and in doing so, you calm them down and sieze control of the conversation.
How to be a good boss.
This was a talk at Colombia University business school; people came to learn how to be good bosses. And the secret is that if you’re a boss, don’t focus directly on your own career; focus on lifting up the people under you. Do this, and they will lift you up with them. To be powerful in a group setting, you must disappear. Put your own ego aside, don’t worry about who gets the credit, and focus on your goals.
How to discipline effectively.
This is his biggest point. The secret of good discipline is to use language disinterestedly. You can show anger, condescension, irritation, etc., OR you can discipline somebody. You can’t do both at the same time. If you show anger when disciplining someone, you give them an excuse to be angry, and you destroy your own effectiveness. Conversely, if you want to express anger, then don’t let punishment even enter the conversation. Keep these separate.
How to deal with someone who says no.
There are five stages to this. Try the first one; if it fails, go to the next one, and so on. Usually you won’t have to go past the first one or two.
Ask. Be polite. Interrogative tone. “Sir, will you please step out of the car?” This usually works, and the conversation ends here.
Tell him why. Declarative tone. This gives you authority, it’s a sign of respect, and it gives the other guy a way of saving face. It builds a context for what you’re asking. If asking failed, explaining usually works. “I see an open liquor bottle in your cup-holder, and I’m required by law to search your vehicle. For our safety, I need you to step out of the car.”
Create and present options. There are four secrets for this:
Voice: friendly and respectful.
Always list good options first (“You can go home tonight, have dinner with your family, sleep in your own bed.”). Then the bad options (“If you don’t get out of this car, the law says you’re going to jail overnight, and you’ll get your car towed, and they’ll charge you like 300 bucks.”). Then remind him of the good options, to get the conversation back to what you want him to do. (“I just need you to get out of your car, let me have a look around, and we’ll be done in a few minutes.”)
Be specific. Paint a mental picture for people. Vivid imagery. WIIFM: What’s In It For Me? Appeal to the other guy’s self-interest. It’s not about you; it’s about him.
Confirm noncompliance. “Is there anything I can say to get you to cooperate, and step out of the car for me, so you don’t go to jail?” Give them a way to save face.
Act—Disengage or escalate. This is the part where you either give up or get serious. In the “get out of the car” example, this is the part where you arrest him. Very seldom does it get to this stage, if you did the previous stages right.
If you want more on verbal judo, watch the video; he’s a good speaker.
Does the talk provide any evidence for the efficacy of the tactics?
The speaker has a whole career of experience dealing with people who are irrational because they’re drunk, angry, frightened, or some combination of the above. He says this stuff is what he does, and that it works great. That’s anecdotal, but it’s about the strongest kind of anecdotal evidence it’s possible to get.
It would be nice if someone did a properly controlled study on this.
Thank you for writing this up.
The one thing I wondered about was whether the techniques for getting compliance interfere with getting information. For example, what if someone who isn’t consenting to a search is actually right about the law?
The thing that bothers me about the talk is that most of it makes the assumption that you’re being calm and rational, that you’re right, and that whoever you’re talking to is irrational and needs to be verbally judo’d into compliance. Sometimes that’s the case, but most of the techniques don’t really apply to situations where you’re dealing with another calm, sane person as an equal.
Thompson is actually ambiguous on the point. Sometimes he’s really clear that what you’re aiming for is compliance.
This is good, you should float it as a top-level post