I proposed about two months ago; I’m getting married this coming Sunday. I mention this to qualify the following advice/input.
The process of getting engaged and getting married may seem (to some) like a stupid, defunct, irrelevant process for unevolved, unenlightened, hidebound ape-descendents. I propose that this is a naive view of the situation, and that the process of engagement and marriage, having existed for a long time, in many cultures, and being actually a relatively evolved and functional procedure, constitutes a very instrumentally rational process to undertake for any sufficiently interested couple.
The members of a relationship are likely to have very different implicit expectations with regards to
when it’s appropriate to get engaged
when it’s appropriate to get married (after getting engaged)
what marriage actually “means”
what constitutes an appropriately-sized wedding
the importance of and timing of having children
the importance of family, e.g. how much continuing parental involvement is welcome
finances, debt, and standard of living
what actions would constitute a violation of trust
etc.
Both partners will likely have a largely unexamined implicit life-plan with various unstated assumptions about all of these issues, and more. Some of these things will simply not come up until you start talking seriously about commitment. Furthermore, you may not really start talking seriously about commitment until after you are engaged. Even if you thought you had been serious before. When one goes through this process of public commitment, the process of social reinforcement makes real the commitment in a sense that is almost impossible to internalize without such peer recognition.
All of these things can come up regardless of how “rational” both partners happen to be. Konkvistador elsewhere in this comment thread asked
Why would anyone make a lifetime commitment?
If you want children, and you forsee yourself having a lot of complex values relating to the well-being of the children, it is useful to obtain such a committment, even if you know that any commitment can technically be broken. It is also useful to state this commitment in front of a crowd of your friends and family, because this essentially makes your relationship with that person a “legitimate” one, entitling you to all kinds of social priveleges and powers and higher status within your social sphere. If you are a human, you automatically care about these things.
I proposed about two months ago; I’m getting married this coming Sunday. I mention this to qualify the following advice/input.
The process of getting engaged and getting married may seem (to some) like a stupid, defunct, irrelevant process for unevolved, unenlightened, hidebound ape-descendents. I propose that this is a naive view of the situation, and that the process of engagement and marriage, having existed for a long time, in many cultures, and being actually a relatively evolved and functional procedure, constitutes a very instrumentally rational process to undertake for any sufficiently interested couple.
The members of a relationship are likely to have very different implicit expectations with regards to
when it’s appropriate to get engaged
when it’s appropriate to get married (after getting engaged)
what marriage actually “means”
what constitutes an appropriately-sized wedding
the importance of and timing of having children
the importance of family, e.g. how much continuing parental involvement is welcome
finances, debt, and standard of living
what actions would constitute a violation of trust
etc.
Both partners will likely have a largely unexamined implicit life-plan with various unstated assumptions about all of these issues, and more. Some of these things will simply not come up until you start talking seriously about commitment. Furthermore, you may not really start talking seriously about commitment until after you are engaged. Even if you thought you had been serious before. When one goes through this process of public commitment, the process of social reinforcement makes real the commitment in a sense that is almost impossible to internalize without such peer recognition.
All of these things can come up regardless of how “rational” both partners happen to be. Konkvistador elsewhere in this comment thread asked
If you want children, and you forsee yourself having a lot of complex values relating to the well-being of the children, it is useful to obtain such a committment, even if you know that any commitment can technically be broken. It is also useful to state this commitment in front of a crowd of your friends and family, because this essentially makes your relationship with that person a “legitimate” one, entitling you to all kinds of social priveleges and powers and higher status within your social sphere. If you are a human, you automatically care about these things.