I learned my social skills mostly through observation and trial and error. I’d watch other kids in school, see what kinds of body language they used in specific social and emotional contexts, and try to figure out how other people reacted. Ditto for tones of voice and word choice. I also spent a lot of time mentally mapping out social relationships between my peers in as much detail as I could and tracking them over time, but I don’t think that part yielded too much in the way of useful skills or information.
Whenever I thought I had some small piece of the puzzle, I’d find a context in which I could try it out, fail horribly, try to figure out what I did wrong, and try again. Once I’d realized that the only common element in all my social failures was me, it took me maybe 2 years to hit a level of basic competence, with gains coming slower after that.
I also benefited from bouncing ideas off of a therapist on a regular basis, though I suspect any sympathetic adult would have been about as helpful; the most useful part was being forced to clarify my thinking in order to coherently explain it to someone else. And having a low-pressure test environment didn’t hurt, either.
A couple disclaimers:
This approach worked for me, and it has worked for some other autistic-spectrum people. (I have Asperger’s, FYI.) It may not work as well for you, or at all.
If it will work for you, this is likely not the best, fastest, or easiest route.
The brute-force approach is hard and unpleasant. You have to be willing to fail over and over in what are often highly embarrassing ways.
Rehabilitating your reputation in the social circle(s) you use for practice will be all but impossible.
It does somewhat, and I appreciate your experiences regardless because they are interesting data.
Personally, I have enough experience and innate skill that I am fine with the hard competencies (those social skills required to blend in, without which one really stands out). What I’m hoping to improve upon are those soft competencies that fill in the gaps between being able to handle social situations and being an empathic, social individual.
If you aren’t willing to burn social capital there is a danger that you may be subject to positive test bias. So probably you should experiment in ways that you expect to make you do worse. If you’re good at the coarse stuff and just want to make adjustments to the fine stuff, then this isn’t much of a loss.
As an example of positive test bias, you might lump together two negative emotions as meaning “stay away,” while in fact one of them requests help. If you always stay away, it’s hard to learn this mistake. WrongBot’s project is difficult because it mixes measurement of other people with intervention. Emotions, or at least facial expressions, are pretty simple and you probably could learn to label them from a book.
I learned my social skills mostly through observation and trial and error. I’d watch other kids in school, see what kinds of body language they used in specific social and emotional contexts, and try to figure out how other people reacted. Ditto for tones of voice and word choice. I also spent a lot of time mentally mapping out social relationships between my peers in as much detail as I could and tracking them over time, but I don’t think that part yielded too much in the way of useful skills or information.
Whenever I thought I had some small piece of the puzzle, I’d find a context in which I could try it out, fail horribly, try to figure out what I did wrong, and try again. Once I’d realized that the only common element in all my social failures was me, it took me maybe 2 years to hit a level of basic competence, with gains coming slower after that.
I also benefited from bouncing ideas off of a therapist on a regular basis, though I suspect any sympathetic adult would have been about as helpful; the most useful part was being forced to clarify my thinking in order to coherently explain it to someone else. And having a low-pressure test environment didn’t hurt, either.
A couple disclaimers:
This approach worked for me, and it has worked for some other autistic-spectrum people. (I have Asperger’s, FYI.) It may not work as well for you, or at all.
If it will work for you, this is likely not the best, fastest, or easiest route.
The brute-force approach is hard and unpleasant. You have to be willing to fail over and over in what are often highly embarrassing ways.
Rehabilitating your reputation in the social circle(s) you use for practice will be all but impossible.
Hope that helps.
It does somewhat, and I appreciate your experiences regardless because they are interesting data.
Personally, I have enough experience and innate skill that I am fine with the hard competencies (those social skills required to blend in, without which one really stands out). What I’m hoping to improve upon are those soft competencies that fill in the gaps between being able to handle social situations and being an empathic, social individual.
If you aren’t willing to burn social capital there is a danger that you may be subject to positive test bias. So probably you should experiment in ways that you expect to make you do worse. If you’re good at the coarse stuff and just want to make adjustments to the fine stuff, then this isn’t much of a loss.
As an example of positive test bias, you might lump together two negative emotions as meaning “stay away,” while in fact one of them requests help. If you always stay away, it’s hard to learn this mistake. WrongBot’s project is difficult because it mixes measurement of other people with intervention. Emotions, or at least facial expressions, are pretty simple and you probably could learn to label them from a book.