It occurred to me that nothing I actually revere could object to me responding to the evidence of my eyes and mind. I can’t help doing that. It can’t possibly be blameworthy.
I don’t feel that I’m losing anything right now. What I always took seriously was a sense of justice or truth. Not just mine, you understand, and maybe not a bunch of platonic forms out in the Eagle Nebula either, but something worth taking seriously. A little white light. That’s what I was afraid would go away. But I don’t think it will, now, and all the rest is just window dressing. Maybe I can even pay better attention to it without the window dressing.
I couldn’t believe I’d ever be happy like this, and maybe I’ll see my error soon enough… for so long this was something I promised myself I’d never do, a failure of will. But right now this seems … better. Actually better. Less phony. Truer to what I actually did revere all along.
Would you say that you were expending a lot of effort trying to believe things when it didn’t feel natural to believe them, and now you feel happy because that burden is lifted? Are there any other (what are the reasons) for the happiness?
Yes!
It’s that. It’s also that I’m starting to think it’s not so terrible; that I’m not a traitor to anything worth my loyalty.
Also. For a long, long time I felt that God had given up on me… that any deity would have long ago decided I was no good and put me in the reject file. God’s love was an unknown, but it seemed very, very unlikely. A more cheerful thought—but not, I think, a false one—is that there is no distance between Justice and the Judge. If I do right, there’s no additional question, “But is it good enough for God?” I’ve done right. If I learn from my mistakes and make restitution, there’s no additional “But will God forgive me?” If I’ve paid my debts, then I’ve paid my debts.
All I have to do is do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with reality. Suddenly this seems feasible as it never did before.
Just curious, based on your phrasing I would guess that you’re Jewish, and possibly orthodox (there is some precedent for that here). I pushed the big unsubscribe button in the sky two month ago myself and have gone through some of the same emotions.
Jewish, yes, orthodox, no (and always wondered about the consistency of that; if you’re already choosing not to be strictly observant, what can you then conclude?)
yeah...I should know well enough by now that there are lots of atheists floating around, but it’s nice to have extra data points, especially if they’re friendly!
Followed your recent post here and thought I’d add my support as well. I went through something very similar last Christmas (some of that story HERE) and it’s more or less ongoing. I really love how you’ve put things, especially these:
It occurred to me that nothing I actually revere could object to me responding to the evidence of my eyes and mind.
If I do right, there’s no additional question, “But is it good enough for God?” I’ve done right. If I learn from my mistakes and make restitution, there’s no additional “But will God forgive me?” If I’ve paid my debts, then I’ve paid my debts.
Well, I’m kind of … done.
It occurred to me that nothing I actually revere could object to me responding to the evidence of my eyes and mind. I can’t help doing that. It can’t possibly be blameworthy.
I don’t feel that I’m losing anything right now. What I always took seriously was a sense of justice or truth. Not just mine, you understand, and maybe not a bunch of platonic forms out in the Eagle Nebula either, but something worth taking seriously. A little white light. That’s what I was afraid would go away. But I don’t think it will, now, and all the rest is just window dressing. Maybe I can even pay better attention to it without the window dressing.
I couldn’t believe I’d ever be happy like this, and maybe I’ll see my error soon enough… for so long this was something I promised myself I’d never do, a failure of will. But right now this seems … better. Actually better. Less phony. Truer to what I actually did revere all along.
*hugs*
Would you say that you were expending a lot of effort trying to believe things when it didn’t feel natural to believe them, and now you feel happy because that burden is lifted? Are there any other (what are the reasons) for the happiness?
Yes! It’s that. It’s also that I’m starting to think it’s not so terrible; that I’m not a traitor to anything worth my loyalty.
Also. For a long, long time I felt that God had given up on me… that any deity would have long ago decided I was no good and put me in the reject file. God’s love was an unknown, but it seemed very, very unlikely. A more cheerful thought—but not, I think, a false one—is that there is no distance between Justice and the Judge. If I do right, there’s no additional question, “But is it good enough for God?” I’ve done right. If I learn from my mistakes and make restitution, there’s no additional “But will God forgive me?” If I’ve paid my debts, then I’ve paid my debts.
All I have to do is do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with reality. Suddenly this seems feasible as it never did before.
Just curious, based on your phrasing I would guess that you’re Jewish, and possibly orthodox (there is some precedent for that here). I pushed the big unsubscribe button in the sky two month ago myself and have gone through some of the same emotions.
Jewish, yes, orthodox, no (and always wondered about the consistency of that; if you’re already choosing not to be strictly observant, what can you then conclude?)
yeah...I should know well enough by now that there are lots of atheists floating around, but it’s nice to have extra data points, especially if they’re friendly!
I know this is an old comment, but… Having gone through a similar process, I just want to give you a big warm hug.
Followed your recent post here and thought I’d add my support as well. I went through something very similar last Christmas (some of that story HERE) and it’s more or less ongoing. I really love how you’ve put things, especially these: