Noise is generated per-present, and combined additively for each child. Under ordinary circumstances:
Blum-Bloopers produce 6 Noise.
Fum-Foozlers produce 8 Noise for girls, 4 for boys.
Who-Whonkers produce 5 Noise for girls, 9 for boys.
Sloo-Slonkers produce 5 Noise, plus 1 extra unit for every two years since birth.
Gah-Ginkas produce 5 Noise, plus 1 extra unit for every two years until teenagerhood.
Trum-Troopas usually produce 10 Noise, but occasionally only produce 5. (Figuring out what if anything predicts a halving here is the main unsolved problem in my analysis.)
Each child has exactly one gift type which produces twice as much Noise as it would by default. This remains consistent over a child’s life (or at least until adolescence), so we can use past preferences to predict how they’ll react this year.
Allocations for minimizing Noise:
(I haven’t confirmed this is literally optimal given my model but I bet it’s pretty close)
Andy: F + G
Betty: W + G
Sally: W + T
Phoebe: W + T
Freddie: F + B
Eddie: F + B
Cindy: B + T
Mary: W + S
Ollie: S + B
Johnny: F + S
Allocations for maximizing Noise:
Andy: S + B
Betty: F + B
Sally: F + S
Phoebe: G + B
Freddie: S + T
Eddie: W + T
Cindy: W + T
Mary: G + F
Ollie: F + W
Johnny: B + W
The weird hipstery approach I’m actually going with, after way too much overthinking about the “presents are allocated randomly” rule:
I suspect the convention the Whos think is best,
Is a lesson, a puzzle, a trick and a test.
I doubt that they’re stupid, or that they don’t care:
It’s how they teach children to trade and to share.
As a rule, the traditions your ancestors used,
Should not be ignored. But they can be improved!
The dice may choose poorly. I know that I won’t.
So, each child gets gifts: one they like, one they don’t.
That way, I make sure that no Who is left out,
Of the joy or the dealing this day is about.
Andy: F + B
Betty: S + B
Sally: G + S
Phoebe: F + B
Freddie: W + T
Eddie: S + T
Cindy: G + T
Mary: W + F
Ollie: B + W
Johnny: F + W
And as for myself, well, it’s hard to believe
That I missed this solution: I’ll simply just . . . leave!
Flee south for the winter! Head back when it’s done!
Let them have all their joys, all their noise, all their fun!
Revised model:
Noise is generated per-present, and combined additively for each child. Under ordinary circumstances:
Blum-Bloopers produce 6 Noise.
Fum-Foozlers produce 8 Noise for girls, 4 for boys.
Who-Whonkers produce 5 Noise for girls, 9 for boys.
Sloo-Slonkers produce 5 Noise, plus 1 extra unit for every two years since birth.
Gah-Ginkas produce 5 Noise, plus 1 extra unit for every two years until teenagerhood.
Trum-Troopas usually produce 10 Noise, but occasionally only produce 5. (Figuring out what if anything predicts a halving here is the main unsolved problem in my analysis.)
Each child has exactly one gift type which produces twice as much Noise as it would by default. This remains consistent over a child’s life (or at least until adolescence), so we can use past preferences to predict how they’ll react this year.
Allocations for minimizing Noise:
(I haven’t confirmed this is literally optimal given my model but I bet it’s pretty close)
Andy: F + G
Betty: W + G
Sally: W + T
Phoebe: W + T
Freddie: F + B
Eddie: F + B
Cindy: B + T
Mary: W + S
Ollie: S + B
Johnny: F + S
Allocations for maximizing Noise:
Andy: S + B
Betty: F + B
Sally: F + S
Phoebe: G + B
Freddie: S + T
Eddie: W + T
Cindy: W + T
Mary: G + F
Ollie: F + W
Johnny: B + W
The weird hipstery approach I’m actually going with, after way too much overthinking about the “presents are allocated randomly” rule:
I suspect the convention the Whos think is best,
Is a lesson, a puzzle, a trick and a test.
I doubt that they’re stupid, or that they don’t care:
It’s how they teach children to trade and to share.
As a rule, the traditions your ancestors used,
Should not be ignored. But they can be improved!
The dice may choose poorly. I know that I won’t.
So, each child gets gifts: one they like, one they don’t.
That way, I make sure that no Who is left out,
Of the joy or the dealing this day is about.
Andy: F + B
Betty: S + B
Sally: G + S
Phoebe: F + B
Freddie: W + T
Eddie: S + T
Cindy: G + T
Mary: W + F
Ollie: B + W
Johnny: F + W
And as for myself, well, it’s hard to believe
That I missed this solution: I’ll simply just . . . leave!
Flee south for the winter! Head back when it’s done!
Let them have all their joys, all their noise, all their fun!
(If I so disapprove of how Whos spend this day,
I shouldn’t own property here anyway!)