Not bad. The characterization here is pretty good, and I really like the way you’re skipping through time to tell the story. However, you could use a lot more conflict. Only one of the four chapters has any conflict to speak of, and even then it’s pretty low-key. The plot seems neat once we find out about it, but it’s not as urgent or hard-hitting as it should be. The prose itself was competent, except for an unfortunate aversion to using the word “said” and a few minor proofreading errors.
This has promise and I’d be happy to help pre-read, if you’d like. PM me here, or as Benman on fimfic.
I’m aware of this, but not quite sure what my objectives are / how best to approach the problem. I do think I’m going to reorganize things so that chapter 5 introduces some of the conflict earlier than I originally planned, but that’s not a fix for the first four chapters.
Not bad. The characterization here is pretty good, and I really like the way you’re skipping through time to tell the story. However, you could use a lot more conflict. Only one of the four chapters has any conflict to speak of, and even then it’s pretty low-key. The plot seems neat once we find out about it, but it’s not as urgent or hard-hitting as it should be. The prose itself was competent, except for an unfortunate aversion to using the word “said” and a few minor proofreading errors.
This has promise and I’d be happy to help pre-read, if you’d like. PM me here, or as Benman on fimfic.
Thanks for the feedback!
I’m aware of this, but not quite sure what my objectives are / how best to approach the problem. I do think I’m going to reorganize things so that chapter 5 introduces some of the conflict earlier than I originally planned, but that’s not a fix for the first four chapters.